Stbxh wants to take ds to see a dr

[SheerWill]

Hello wise people of Mumsnet. You've never failed me yet so here goes.

The last week of August my ds goes on holiday with stbxh and his girlfriend + his parents. It's the first time ds has been on a plane and so far away from me (ds is 4.5). While there ds starts visiting the loo much more frequently than previously and sometimes got upset because he couldn't go. He also started clearing his throat all the time (almost like a tic).

This continued for a while after he got back as he had just started school and new childminder. But over the course of two weeks things have settled down and he doesn't need to go as often when at home. However he does still do it at new childminders. I asked him to pee in a bottle for me to check there was no cloudiness) a sign of infection and he hasn't complained about it hurting at all. He's only got upset when he's been unable to go and he hasn't been drinking enough fluids at school or new childminder.

Stbxh's girlfriend picked him up early from cm today to take him put for the afternoon. I then get a text from stbxh to say:

Hello, just to let you know we're going to take ds to the doctor. Have managed to get an appointment please can I have current doctor details - my docs need it so they can update ds' docs. Will let you know outcome.

I'm furious that he's gone ahead and done this without consulting me first. I've booked him a dr appointment for monday with our usual dr, rather than some emergency out of hours clinic. I've expressed how unhappy I am at this and that as the primary carer I should have been consulted about this. I've said I do not give my permission for him to go and that if he's poorly da should come home.

Am I being unreasonable and defensive. Please help me as stbxh is now not answering my texts or calls so I'm assuming they're going ahead with it anyway. It's just the sort of thing he would do.

I'm sure the frequent weeing is anxiety and stress related as he was fine yesterday even despite all the thunder and lightning that we had (the house was struck). Help :-(

I think your stbx is being quite sensible, actually.

I'm so used to doing everything for ds on my own. I've always had to. If I didn't do everything it didn't get done. That was true from the moment he was born as stbxh ran his business and wasn't interested in family, only himself.

I suppose I should be grateful that he's showing an interest. But it just feels all wrong.

YABU, I'm a single parent too and I believe it's really important for DC to do these kind of things with both parents independently, whenever possible.

What if you were unexpectedly incapacitated yourself and couldn't manage your DS' day to day care? He needs to be secure with you both as caregivers which includes Dr & dentist appointments, haircuts, school events, holidays etc and the only way to develop this security and confidence is to practice it!

If your STBEx knew you were going to take your ds to the GP on Monday, and if there were no urgent symptoms requiring immediate action, then he was unreasonable to take him to an emergency appointment, for the simple reason that your GP will have your ds's records there, and presumably has seen him before, so will be better placed to diagnose him.

Also, if there were no urgent symptoms requiring immediate treatment, then this could be seen as misuse of an emergency appointment, which someone else might have really needed.

Yay I just spoke to ds and he's fine.

I rang his girlfriend in the end who agreed I should have been contacted before making the appointment. He did go to the dr and the test came back clear.

They agreed that as this is probably a stress/anxiety related issue, his usual dr would be much more able to support him and all of us. Phone call has really reassured me. His girlfriend is lovely and I trust her far more than I trust him. Hopefully they can see the importance of good communication now and I feel more able to let them help out with ds. I was always worried about relying on him in the past as his idea of childcare was being in the same room on his laptop. I just hope she sticks him longer than I could.

Thanks for all your support. Both positive and negative has helped me gather my own thoughts and challenged me. Xx

Not answering my calls would've made me worry too. He's still little. Glad the gf was kind. Have a glass of wine now and relax