Why cant i just let him go?

[lovelorn99]

Namechanged and Long Story!

Was with my ex DP for 13 years (not married, no kids) found out he was cheating on me three years ago, he left me that night literally on the floor. It took me six months to get my life back into any sort of order (with the help of counselling and AD's)

He was very cold distant, basically treated me like a stranger, was living with the OW up the road, didnt give a crap how i was coping but wanted money from house etc, tried to bully me into giving him money. Started legal action to get money but failed.

Subsequently split up with OW ( three months after leaving) he sofa surfed for a bit, asked me to come home ( i said no) eventually got his own place. Tried to start making up to me, saw him a few times (3/4) told him i didnt know what i wanted and couldnt trust him (no sex)

Checked his phone on one occasion to find texts from other woman, about organising a first date, of course i had it out with him and he started with the i dont know what i want etc etc

He strarted seeing her ( i didnt see him) and eventually moved in with her and her children, he told me he loved her etc fast forward a couple of years and we are friendly i see him now and again for a drink.

For the last year he has been telling me he is unhappy with this woman and wants to leave, over the last few months he has been asking to come back, he misses me made a mistake etc. I normally keep my guard up but recently i have been considering giving it another go.

I have told him to leave his current partner before we can even consider anything, he says he cant because of housing costs etc

We meet for a drink every week and mainly talk have kissed and held hands but no sex.

He says he wants to come home, and tbh i would love that if it could go back to the way it was but it cant.I question his motives for coming back, i feel that he does love me, but would he feel the same if i had no house and no money and if he and his new partner were getting along.

He moved in with her too quick (within three months) and her two children, she is 33 and has been married twice and i think things are quite compicated for her with exs, my life is quite simple and stress free and i think that is part of the attraction for him.

I have few friends and family and can get very lonely sometimes, even though im always laughing and joking at work, i sometimes feel like Im not worthy of being liked or loved etc i keep a barrier up its like i feel if people knew what i was really like they wouldnt care for me, we broke up 2 and half years ago and im still single and not really interested in looking, I miss love and affection but im afraid of rejection too.

I met with him today and he was polite but looked so disinterested and when i got upset, he said ffs whats wrong now, you need to get over this and move past it, he called me stupid and immature and said i needed to let it go, I got so angry and screamed so hard i thought i would faint, he said i make him feel guilty whenever he sees me. I said some not very nice things too, but surely he should be making every effort to make things better?

I have tried so hard to rise above all the crap and for a long time there was hardly any contact, i have never been abusive or nasty and always try to do the right thing, im so upset this afternoon, he has made me feel a piece of crap, worthy of nothing, why do i keep going back for more?

Why cant i walk away for good? Is been so long...

Why do you keep going back?
I suggest you get a large sheet of paper and ask yourself "why do I deserve this treatment?"
Then report back with your findings.

I think you just need to cut contact.

Why do you keep meeting up with him for drinks? He has already proved that he is an epic shit of the highest order.

If you are lonely, join a club and ask some of the members if they fancy a drink afterwards.

Just stop meeting up with this man. Stop replying to his texts. Stop replying to any e-mails.

It isn't hard - you just have to accept that he is a nasty shit of a person and your life is better without him in it.

I mean look at you - you guys have already split up, and even when you are apart he was being a shit. Now the shoe is on the other foot and YOU are playing the role of the other woman, and wondering why you are ending up in screaming matches.

It's only hard to cut people off before you actually do it.

Im not sure why i have such low self esteem, i cover it well particalrly at work.

I said to him today in all the years i spent with you what did i do that deserve this treatment- he didnt answer.

Im lonely, thats why i keep contact, and i also feel like i would be so alone in this world if i didnt have him in my life and i would, he was my everything for a long time, it very hard to fianlly cut that cord completely

I deserve this treatment because -

I am ugly
I am fat
I am boring
I am weak
I have no friends
I wasnt enough
Im not strong enough to be alone
I came back for more
I love him too much

I dont deserve this treatment because -

I am a good person
I am kind
I am Loyal
I am intelligent
I am successful
I am funny
I loved him with all my heart
I deserve respect
I deserve someone who thinks i am lovely and wants to spend time with me

Firstly you are prolonging your own misery. How will this Eve end well when you can't trust him. Look at how he left you in a heap to rush off with a new woman. I know the type of pain you're speaking about and it's heart breaking.

Secondly if he loved you so much he wouldn't be living with another woman and her kids would he? He is quite clearly prepared to do to her exactly what he did to you, not to mention the impact upon her poor dc when he leaves never to be seen again or maybe he will pop back to her if he gets fed up of you.

Now, you are his safety blanket, his meal ticket and board and lodgings. Come on, wake up.

Btw I think it's quite disgusting that you are having an affair with him. Because you are. Just because you were together for 13 years doesn't mean he is yours.

Move on.

Firstly, he is only trying to get back with you because you have a house and an income. Once he's got his feet back under the table he will be sniffing around other women and as soon as he finds one with more money or a nicer house or bigger tits he will be off again.

Secondly, you deserve better and you do not need him. Cut all contact, start looking around for a good social life for yourself. What do you love doing? Writing, photography, sport, dancing, charity work, history? Find a local club or group that does the thing you are interested in and join it. It's easier to make friends with people when you have a shared passion. Good luck.

He doesn't love you, he's just looking for somewhere to cocklodge. He's a cheating git - cheated on you and with you.

No more contact. You won't get over it unless you cut all ties.

Look at baggagereclaim.com and read up on Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. That could well help you.

Do not waste any more of your life on this person.

He treats you like this because he can and you sadly allow him to do so.
This low self worth has come about from somewhere and you need to figure out where; perhaps from your own childhood or if your parents own relationship was awful.

You need to look seriously at what you learnt about relationships when growing up and start to unlearn all the rubbish that you learnt along the way. Counselling for your own self could help you, BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

My parents where quite happy although my father could be cold and critical and times and my mother was very concerned with achievement (which can be a blessing and a curse) which causes a lots of pressure.

Before this relationship I was involved in a relationship in my late teens which was physically abusive, I was kicked punched etc I didn't walk away from it he did.

This relationship was good for many years and there was no violence although I would say it was co dependant

Intellectually I'm confident, I'm successful professionally and financially but emotionally I feel like a cripple sometimes

Even if you are ugly and fat, (which you're probably not - it seems like you're full of self loathing) does that mean that you don't deserve to be loved, respected and cherished? Do you think only skinny, attractive people have successful relationships? Of course not!

As for being boring - how are you boring exactly? Your posts seem intelligent and engaging. This relationship and the one you had before have made you feel that you're boring, that you have nothing to offer. But you do. Take a step back from this man, you've been with him for a long time, and you will rediscover or even discover for the first time things that interest you, things that make you interesting as a person. What do you enjpy?What do you feel passionate about? Focus on you.

As for being weak, well, yes you are but your self esteem is at rock bottom and having any kind of contact with this man is only going to make it worse. You can work out on your sepf esteem once he's out of your life.

and when you are looking after yourself, discovering interests, hobbies, talents, passions, you are more likely to attract friends.

Yes you may feel lonely at first but you need to push through the loneliness in order to come out the other side a happier, more confident, more fulfilled person.

I know it seems difficult to think of leaving this man for good but no happiness will come from staying and letting him walk all over you, completely destroying any self esteem and self respect you have left.

Go no contact.

Completely.

All the time you see him, hold hands and kiss you are stopping yourself moving on.

Why the hell are you doing this? Every week you meet up with a man in another relationship, kiss him and hold his hand. Does the woman he is living with deserve you doing this to her? You may say he is the one in a relationship but you are knowingly doing this.

It doesn't matter how shit he tells you it is. That is none of your business. Can you blame it for being shit when he is only staying with her as he has no where better to go and spends all this time doing what you and he do! How would you feel if you were her and knew this?

He clearly doesn't give a shit for you. He doesnt give a shit for her either. You are just there in case. A back up. Nothing more.

Kick him to the kerb and get help working on your self esteem.

Why on earth do you think you deserve this mean and selfish treatment from this waster. Stop seeing him. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself. Stop Seeing him. It's the only way.

I am ugly- really? who says that ?

I am fat- are you really fat or overweight a bit? do you have energy to adress it?

I am boring- I find that hard to imagine OP! thats the self esteem. who has said you are boring exactly??

I am weak- well ackowledging that is a strength! we are all weak

I have no friends- I am sorry to hear that OP. why? I cant just ping a sentance on this but if thats the case its worth getting counselling to explore why you dont open up to friends

I wasnt enough- thats bullshit. he is a complete cxxt and if its not you he will shit on the next woman. Noone will be enough!

Im not strong enough to be alone- thats honesty not a weakness. again worth exploring counselling and some very practical ways to build confidence

I came back for more- yes you did, but you have repeated other points here

I love him too much. NO YOU DONT. you just dont want to be alone and you convonce yourself you need him. he actually maskes you feel like shit.

We can't always find happiness in life but we can definitely make a choice not to walk into disastrous relationships when we know full well in advance that that is what they are going to be.
He knows you are lonely, he knows he can emotionally manipulate you. If you have to scream at him until you almost faint for goodness sake, what sort of life is that?
You know he will use you, you know he will abuse you and there is only one person in this whole world who can stop it and that person is you.
He will continue you use you for as long as you allow him to. If you want it to end then get strong and cut him out of your life. Yes, you may be a bit lonely but surely it's better than all the rubbish and chaos that he brings to your life.
The power is all in your hands so use it and get yourself a better life without this horrible man in it.

You CAN let him go OP, I promise.

Take it from someone who's been there - he's using you as a backup plan and will continue to do so whilst you let him. Every time a relationship goes sour for him, he'll be wanting to "come back" to you - until the next time that is. Sadly with these types, there's always going to be a next time. He doesn't care about you, sadly and will continue to use you for his own selfish reasons.

All this needs to stop & you have to start saying no to him. He will get the message eventually and then you will really find that you feel stronger and get some self-esteem back.

I know how hard it is to do the NC - it took me almost 4 years post separation whilst my ex was shacked up with OW to finally stop responding to his emails etc. It was hard but it was only then that I really started to heal. I just wish I'd been strong enough to do it sooner. Please don't waste any more time loving someone who's not worthy - you can get over loving someone too - it just takes time.

Please start taking control of YOUR life & stop seeing him and ignore any further cajoling from him. Say you need to move on with your life and he should do the same & tell him not to contact you again. You'll soon start to feel happier.

Do people who are fat, boring and the other things you say you are deserve to be mugged off?
No.
You absolutely do not deserve this treatment.

Every time you take the text/call/meeting, you are feeding the pain.
You need to starve the pain and it will eventually die out...
Think of it as throwing logs on the fire...the more you communicate the more it burns.

Can you be kind to yourself, and put yourself first?
Don't mentally feed it wither.
Delete all his shit, every time he comes in to your mind say "I'm putting myself first" and do something else.

If you want to be free...to get better...to maybe find real love, joy and companionship...you got to get rid of this drain, stop feeding this stuff, and put all your energy into you.

So over the weekend he had been texting that he was sorry he still loved me after all these years, I meant the world to him.

I fell for it, I started to imagine how happy we could be again :-(

Where supposed to meet today for lunch but he has postponed till later, then he tells me he is going away for the weekend, with the woman he supposedly doesn't love anymore I asked him why, he says he can't say no because he has nowhere else to live

I text him to leave me alone, I've had enough, I'm here in tears, he is just using me again isn't he?

How can he treat me like this after all those years together?

I am so weak :-(

The state your in today is all of your own making. You had some great advice the last time you posted and you ignored all of it. He's with someone else now.

How about doing her a favour and showing her all of the text messages he sent you.

He can treat you like this because he is allowed to. He is being a total asshat to both you and his partner. Only you can stop this merry go round.

You must. He is dragging you down to his level, you are now the OW. You remember how that felt, it left you broken. As it will her. Even if you get back together he won't change who he is. He doesn't speak to you kindly or with respect.

Please, cut him off, you will feel so much stronger once you've done so. You can do this, and you must. You aren't happy, and without him you have a chance to be.

I know you are both right but it's so hard to do, I still think of him as the person I spent all those years with I remember the good.

I suppose I always thought of him as still mine even in a little way, losing him and picking myself up off the floor was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

It's been two and half years and I'm still not over it

You are not over it because you will not go no contact with him. Also you need to look at your standards here, are you willing to accept him back after he cheated on you? Not only that but he cheated, then left you without a backward glance!

He doesn't respect you at all.

Respect and trust are the basis for a solid relationship, so think of your relationship as a triangle with trust, respect & love at the bottom with everything else in the middle, top of the triangle. You might think you have everything in the middle and the top I.e get on great, same interests, good sex but believe me if the basics (bottom of triangle) aren't there then your on a hiding to nothing. Zilch. Nada.

Don't go there. Relationships with no trust or respect turn to conflict and fuel misery.