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Original poster

sex life and relationship

29 replies

gen1992 · 17/09/2014 20:54

I'm new here, but have seen many with similar problems to mine so thought I'd share and ask for advice!

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years now, and its mostly a perfect relationship. He's kind to me, looks after me and I know would do almost anything for me. However there is one big problem in our relationship and that's the sex life.

When we first got together we had an amazing sex life. Whenever we were together we'd have sex, try just about anything. We were having sex multiple times a day at first.

I can't remember exactly when or how it happened, but that is definitely not the case now. I am now very lucky if I have sex once a week despite spending nearly every night with him.

I've tried turning him on, I let him know I want sex, touch him etc, but he rejects me. He comes out with excuses like 'I'm too tired' 'I've got a headache' 'I don't want sex all the time'. I have done things like buying lingerie and that has resulted in us having sex, however, I feel by surprising him in bed when he's got home in lingerie is almost forcing him to have sex with me!

I've tried talking to him about it and it usually ends in arguments. He's told me different things, like he doesn't need sex all the time, I don't try it on with him, I don't let him know I want it and he doesn't want to do it in our parents house where we live. I always get upset about it and often go quiet and cry when he rejects me, it then ends up in an argument, and he has described me as a sex addict which has hurt so much. I have tried explaining that its not the actual act of sex that I want, I don't just want to 'get my end away', I just really want to feel wanted because at the moment I feel disgusting.

I know he hasn't got a low sex drive as I have found out he masturbates whenever he is not with me to porn. He lied to me about this saying it didn't interest him, but I then found from his browser history he was watching it regularly. We talked about it and I said I was okay about it, but really I'm not.. I wouldn't mind, but he is interested in getting himself off but not with me. In addition to all of this I have never been able to make him come. We have sex and he has to finish himself off, he says he's always been like this..

I am only 21 and I feel like I should have an exciting sex life at this age, I try telling him ideas we should try but he just ignores it. I keep telling myself I can make this better, but it's been like this for over a year now and I don't know what to do

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 17/09/2014 21:12

Sack him and get one who shags you senseless. I'm serious. You're 21, you should be following the excellent example set by rabbits. You'll have plenty of time to avoid sex when you're older - or if you're lucky, you'll start as you mean to go on and keep going for the rest of your life.

Say goodbye to this man. Leave him to his porn.

Thirdtry22 · 17/09/2014 21:17

I agree with Humble. You are way too young to wave goodbye to your sex life already.

Fairylea · 17/09/2014 21:18

Agree with humble. Life is too short for all this. You're 21. The prime of your life. Go out and find the perfect man who is going to want to keep you in bed all the time and love the socks off you.

Original poster
gen1992 · 17/09/2014 21:27

Thanks for replying. I just don't know what I'd do without him! He's helped me through so much and still is, I just want things to get better!

OP posts:
PieceOfResistance · 17/09/2014 21:30

OP does he have a lot (a LOT) of redeeming features?

The lying worries me a little, to be honest. Also, as I'm sure you're aware, some men get to the point of only coming through vigorous hand stimulation when they are masturbating very often. Do you think he has an addiction to porn?

Original poster
gen1992 · 17/09/2014 21:33

PieceOfResistance, thanks for writing back to me!
He does so much for me, I've been through some very difficult times this last year and he has practically saved me with all he's done, he's always looking out for me, he really is lovely to me.
An I don't think he has an addiction.. he spends lots of time with just me and so I know he's not masturbating then! However, I do question why he can only orgasm that way..

OP posts:
PieceOfResistance · 17/09/2014 21:33

I agree with PP that when you're so young there's even less reason to hang around. There are lots of lovely potential boyfriends out there who you can shag senseless for a hell of a lot longer than 3 years....

PieceOfResistance · 17/09/2014 21:36

Sounds like he does have some lovely qualities.

I really think if he can't talk with you about this openly and kindly then perhaps either a) he has some kind of issue he's ashamed and worried about (so counselling), or b) he's not a man you're going to want to spend your days with.

PieceOfResistance · 17/09/2014 21:37

"counselling" should have had a question mark after it - just a thought...

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 17/09/2014 21:49

I agree with the other posters.
Do you want to be 31 looking back at your 20's thinking what a waste of a potential sex life it was?

Believe me, it turns one into a very sad and bitter person.

rb32 · 18/09/2014 09:43

Don't want to be the bearer of bad news but.....it sounds like he's getting to the end of your relationship. He obviously still cares for you but maybe is starting to think of you more as a close friend.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2014 10:03

"I just really want to feel wanted because at the moment I feel disgusting."

Don't waste time on anyone that makes you feel disgusting. If someone rejects you to the point that you have to go away and cry, they are not the right person for you. And don't gloss over the porn use, either. If he prefers masturbation to a real person (you) that's a serious relationship problem.

Find the self-respect and courage to hold out for what you want. This is probably as good as he gets. If it's not enough, don't feel obliged to keep him around.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2014 10:04

"he doesn't want to do it in our parents house where we live"

Sheer curiosity on my part but where does he want to do it? Confused

irulethisworld · 18/09/2014 10:10

Hmm, exchange he and him for she and her in the OP and I'm sure the responses would be very different!

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2014 10:11

I didn't even get to the 'porn' part of your post before I was thinking he was getting off to porn.
It's so obvious when someone young writes a thread like this that porn use is involved.
This will not change. This is who he is.
You are soooo young. Please don't waste the best years of your life on a person that makes you feel 'disgusting'
That's no way to live.
Life is too short.
Get rid and find someone you are sexually compatible with. Who won't reject you and won't make you want to cry all the time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2014 10:12

Change the sexes and it would be exactly the same advice.

irulethisworld · 18/09/2014 10:14

"Change the sexes and it would be exactly the same advice."

Really? You'd tell a man to ditch his gf and find a girl who shags him senseless?
Or would you berate him for pressuring her, only considering himself and not being caring enough?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2014 10:17

I'd tell a young man with no real ties to someone that if the relationship was making him feel rejected and he was sobbing in another room whilst his g/f was masturbating merrily away to porn.... he shouldn't feel obliged to stick around.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/09/2014 10:28

21 is young enough to bin and move on. 21 is too young to be committing to one man, particularly as you have been with him since you were a teenager. There are lots of other men out there, this one may be someone who you remember fondly or even, later on, keep as a friend, but the relationship is dying on its arse. Time to put it out of its misery.

Lucylloyd13 · 18/09/2014 10:28

Peoples sexual needs do vary, and there is nothing wrong with needing lots of it.

Initially sex with a new partner is about exploring, excitement, and bonding, then it settles down and establishes a pattern. the pattern you are getting is not good.

I am not against consensual porn. However when a man or woman uses it for excitement in place od sex with their partner you are in trouble.

I an in my fifties, and my partner and I have sex three or four times a week. Don't settle for less in your twenties.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 18/09/2014 10:33

It does sound, sadly, as though he has dialled out, if he is showing no desire to improve things. It's easy to cling on to the comfort of a relationship that's past it's sell by date but better in the long run to cut free and give yourself the chance to meet someone else, especially as you are so young and free of ties like children and mortgages. I also think that if you struggle on either to avoid hurt feelings or in the vain hope of improvement there is a fairly high risk that one of you will meet someone else while you are still "together" and that makes the inevitable end much more complex and hurtful.

I did this to someone when I was about your age, hung on because we were good friends, got on fabulously with each others families, interests in common etc but spark long gone and then became attracted to someone else. I should have left the first relationship sooner as it would have caused less hurt, but it's not easy. You could say that he should have left me as well, we both just clung on out of fear of being alone I think.

VenusRising · 18/09/2014 10:46

I doubt the OP will ever have a satisfying life with this wanker, in or out of bed.

Fwiw, I think if the roles were reversed it would be highly unusual, as most women don't have a porn addiction. I'd give the same advice to a man , if all things were equal, ie if the woman was rejecting him to wank to porn.

You deserve better in your life OP than staying with a porn addict wanker who has the cheek to call YOU a sex addict!! Ha ha ha!

CabinetSauvinyoni · 18/09/2014 13:51

I agree with PPs. I'm in my early 20s too and was with my ex for 2 years - we had sex once or twice a month if I was lucky, and only after a couple of drinks. It becomes incredibly difficult when you want to be close with someone who won't reciprocate, and it left me feeling awful about myself. I'd lie in bed and hold back tears at times because it just wasn't right.

Now I have a new DP that has a similar sex drive as me and I've never been happier. It's a shame that you aren't sexually compatible, but sex is a huge part of a relationship and if you're this mismatched it won't last without resentment.

Fwiw I'd give the same advice with the sexes reversed - there's a huge difference between pressuring someone for sex because you feel like you're entitled to it, and wanting to have a normal sex life with the person you love but your partner is too busy wanking over porn instead of showing an interest in you.

Edtfdess · 18/09/2014 16:52

Please leave him.

You are so young. I am in the same situation, only with my husband bad I am 15 years older than you.

I wish I was your age I'd be off like a shot!

Edtfdess · 18/09/2014 17:14

He won't change. You will talk, he'll promise, nothing will happen, you'll get upset, he'll get angry, you'll talk.......

Believe me, this is my life and you don't want to live it. Get out.