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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend won't leave me alone

35 replies

BigPawsBrown · 17/09/2014 15:03

I know the title sounds harsh.

I went to university with somebody and, as a house, we all got on okay. Everyone else has moved away and it's just us two left here. Her husband left her unexpectedly two years ago and I really helped her, middle of the night calls, visits etc etc. However a year after that I got really ill and she was rubbish (she turned up with a hamper for another friend who was ill during pregnancy Sad) and was just generally a bit crap (disbelieving, etc. I was eventually diagnosed with an autoinflammatory disorder but before that I was tested quite extensively for HIV due to my symptoms which she made a joke about Sad). I have been trying to 'cool down' the friendship and haven't seen her for 6 months other than one cup of coffee when the rest of our university friends were up.

On Friday night she texted me asking if she could come over on Saturday. I am very busy at the moment and not really seeing anyone (I'm a lawyer, just got a literary agent and am writing my next book while the first is out on submission), so said sorry and explained. She said 'ok, another time'.

At 5pm on Saturday my doorbell rang. She had decided to come anyway. I was astounded really and just stepped aside and she stayed for 2.5 hours.

I was wearing my pyjamas and no make up, house a mess etc (I'm really struggling to manage my time which is a post for another day).

Evidently she enjoyed herself because she is now back to daily texts and wanting to meet for lunch etc.

Do I need to just spell it out to her? The whole 'just coming anyway' thing (she did say, "I figured you'd want a break from writing your novel!" meanwhile I am STRESSED OUT OF MY MIND with both-jobs deadlines!) was so emblematic of what she is like - all about her, totally obtuse to hints - that I think I might need to.

I was happy to see her every few months for a bit but my life is so busy at the moment I am thinking I should just 'dump' her. or is this mean?

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/09/2014 15:22

No, it isn't mean. If you don't want her in your life then just get bloody rid. Turning up on your doorstep when you made it plain that you didn't want to see her is just completely and utterly rude. Block her on your phone and NEVER answer the door when you're not expecting someone. I have a feeling she's going to be harder to shake off than a case of the boils. Be steadfast!

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 17/09/2014 15:23

I'm so glad you said that. We do get on when we see each other (and she is very, very funny) but it's the big stuff that I just can't get past: how crap she was with my illness (even though I am well now), how she doesn't respect when I said no to coming over, etc.

OP posts:
Meerka · 17/09/2014 15:26

No, she's either pretty childish with no understanding of what busy is or she is plain rude.

Mind you I think you should have offered her a cup of tea max, not let her stay 2 1/2 hours!

This friendship is never going to be the same now. Draw your lines.

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 17/09/2014 15:27

I offered her a drink (and a doughnut), then at about 6.30 started making "well I'd better be getting back to it" and she stayed put til gone 7.

then I had to write instead of watching the X Factor

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/09/2014 15:28

She doesn't sound like a good friend.

twizzleship · 17/09/2014 16:06

She had decided to come anyway

well you didn't have to let her in! you're going to have to be hard faced and blunt with her because she is deliberately walking all over you and using you for her own ends. it's only difficult the first time you put your foot down with them, after that it gets easier - honest!

LemonBreeland · 17/09/2014 16:10

I think it would not be unreasonable to text her and tell her you don't want that level of friendship right now. I may also mention if being brave that you found it rude that she came anyway after you told her you were busy.

Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 16:16

Gosh, she's all about herself, isn't she? Shock

No, you don't have to put up with this. Just Say No to any meet ups, coffee, etc. because you have work to do and do not have the time.

If she doesn't like it, well she knows what to do. Sling her hook.

mrsspagbol · 17/09/2014 16:32

I am so sorry but I am stuck on the "making a joke" when you were being extensively tested for HIV.

Is it just me or is that AWFUL?! Shock

For that alone, I think you should never ever speak to her again

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 17/09/2014 16:38

Oh, I know. It wasn't a joke as such, just that I said they were testing for a second time and for different strains (?) because I had all the hallmark features and she just said something like, "it would be just like you to get a comedy illness" Sad

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 16:39

A "comedy" illness? WTAF?? Oh yes, HIV is fucking hilarious, isn't it.

She's not even a nice person. get rid of her.

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 17/09/2014 16:42

The weird thing is she is - on her own terms - quite understanding. She obviously thinks my illness wasn't serious but she asked the most thoughtful questions about my literary career - how does it feel to have my hobby turn into work, how am I managing the two careers/deadlines, what are my plans etc. But it is all on her own terms. She is suing her bank because they delayed her getting her sole mortgage (i.e. buying her ex-husband out) by 6 months. She thinks she can get back every 'extra' penny she has paid them and will be presented with a cheque for £3,000. I have explained that although she was overpaying, it has paid off some of the capital of her OWN mortgage so they are not going to refund her as compensation ex gratia. She then even said, "I'll ask my solicitor" when I AM a solicitor.

I could scream.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 17/09/2014 16:47

She's interested in your literary career and she wasn't interested in your illness. I was ill when I was younger, some people don't give a shit. I'm not saying they should - but they want to carry on where they left off when it's over.

The plague is a comedy illness, HIV is not...

Mrsgrumble · 17/09/2014 16:47

I had a friend like this. It is actually them being selfish because they don't respect your commitments or needs.

Don't answer the door the next time or grab your handbag and head out, pjs or not (my pjs are plain black for this very purpose ... Grin )

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 17/09/2014 16:48

She did also say she has been telling everyone about my book. Which is nice, but sort of feels like she might be a fair weather friend, as she wouldn't even listen to me about my illness.

OP posts:
JetsAndSugar · 17/09/2014 16:52

Definitely dump.

Turning up when you had specifically told her not to was seriously out of order. She decided her needs were more important than yours.

You were far too nice letting her in at all though, never mind the drink and doughnut. No wonder she wants to stay in touch. Always handy to have a spare mug.

Call her up one day on your terms if you feel like it.

JetsAndSugar · 17/09/2014 16:53

Oh, she likes having celebrity friends to boast about. Nice. Dump.

Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 16:53

Bigpaws - ask yourself why she would be interested in your literary career - is there some chance that she fancies writing a book herself, and was only asking to get information on how to achieve that?

The plague isn't any funnier than HIV. Too many people died from it - how is that "comedic"? Hmm

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 17/09/2014 16:53

Hm yes. She said "you can turn me away!" and she made it clear she had come to see another friend in the area, but it WAS rude and anyone would find it hard to turn someone away they've avoided for 6 months (maybe?). I know I should have, but I still think it was mostly her fault for turning up. I looked fucking hideous, too.

OP posts:
TheBatteriesHaveRunOut · 17/09/2014 16:54

Oh ditch the bitch. Life is too short for arseholes.

Next time - because if she's as thick skinned as you say, there'll be a next time - open the door and say Oh! I thought you might be the gigolo I've ordered. You'd better shove off, I'm not paying for a threesome.

Or, if you're more grown up than me (likely) you'll reply to one of her texts with 'I'm very busy at the moment and am not making social plans till my deadlines are met. ' Or something similar. Send the same txt every time she texts you. Send it in response to emails and calls (which you will let go to voicemail)

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/09/2014 16:55

She sounds like a nightmare, and quite needy and selfish.

As for jokes about HIV, I cant get past that.

Curiously, how do you get a literary agent?

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 17/09/2014 17:06

Ha, at least you lot are making me laugh!

Tali - long version or short?

OP posts:
FuckOffWeasel · 17/09/2014 17:07

I think people need to treat friends like the would boyfriends.

Dump them nicely and quickly whne things are no longer working. She's a dick she isn't doing you any favor by being you friend and you are being unfair stringing her along when you dont like her.

She will be sad for a bit, but will get over it.

MTWTFSS · 17/09/2014 17:08

100% be honest!!!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/09/2014 17:18

You could tell her you're ill again. That should get rid of her pretty promptly?