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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fiance left me...long

41 replies

atmywitsendxx · 16/09/2014 10:00

I have been with DF for 4 years, engaged for 9 months and have a one year old daughter. After 2 weeks of him being very distant he told me he no longer loves me in the same way.

We have had lots of chats over the past few weeks about making more time for each other, difficult with a baby and both working full time. I run my own business which comes with lots of stress.

It all came to a head the other night with him telling me his feelings have change for me. He says I have not supported him through some difficult things this year and I am always moaning to him about

OP posts:

Original poster

atmywitsendxx · 16/09/2014 10:06

Sorry hadn't finished tying!

Moaning to him about my business he said I am miserable and worn down his love for me. I feel completely heart broken we are meant to be getting married in 4 months. I am devastated but more angry at myself for not realising I was not giving him enough support while expecting support from him. I just hate myself and want to turn the clock back which I know I can't. I feel he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and now I have pushed him away with me moaning etc.

Just do not know where to go from here.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 10:07

I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. Sadly 'no longer loves me in the same way' is such a nothing statement, you have to be suspicious about the real reason behind his change of heart. What has happened since this conversation? Has he left the family home?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 10:14

Please don't hate yourself. I doubt you've done anything wrong, really and it's especially nasty of him to blame all this on you when no doubt he's not perfect himself. If he wants to go a different route, cancel the wedding and walk out on you and your baby, he's doing it for his own reasons and I don't think you're at the bottom of those reasons yet.

What is this 'support' that you're meant to have given him exactly? Does he mean that you've been caring for your baby and your business and he's been feeling pushed out? How does he support you?

Original poster

atmywitsendxx · 16/09/2014 10:14

I have left with my daughter and I am staying at my mum's. We are sharing childcare at the moment. He is younger than me and says he didn't think his life would turn out like this and is bored.

OP posts:

Original poster

atmywitsendxx · 16/09/2014 10:18

His mum was ill recently (fine now thankfully) and he says I wasn't there for him enough with support. He supports me in the way he often does offer advicentre on situations and listens to me often moaning about my staff situation etc.

I just didn't realise this was changing his feelings towards me.

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hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2014 10:19

Be prepared for OW to turn up on the scene very quickly!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you have family around you for support.

This is nothing YOU have done.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 10:21

Bored? Nice.... How old is this charmer?

rainbowinmyroom · 16/09/2014 10:21

You have done nothing wrong. He is too immature to have a family, what a shame, he doesn't deserve the one he's got and he is more than likely involved with someone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 10:24

"he often does offer advicentre on situations and listens to me often moaning about my staff situation etc."

That's just part and parcel of being a couple. Bloody hell... every dinner table up and down the country probably has men and women, chatting about their day, offering each other advice and moaning about their day at the office. Don't let him tell you that's a failing.

FWIW if hellsbellsmelons isn't right, I'll be very surprised. No-one, after a 4 year relationship, just goes off their partner and mother of their child in the space of two weeks. Certainly not over the amount of brow-mopping they did over a sick mother. What were you supposed to do about the mother btw?

Original poster

atmywitsendxx · 16/09/2014 10:32

He is 25. He says he has been feeling like this for 9 months.

A couple of weeks ago he didn't come home after going to the pub for a couple of drinks. I was really worried and when he finally called when when I was on the way to work with my daughter. He said he slept on a friends sofa but this was the start of him saying he was unhappy needed a blow out etc. He has been on a few nights out since which I encouraged thinking he needed more time to enjoy himself.

I asked him about was there anyone else and he swore on our daughters life. Unless it's someone at work I really don't see when he would have met anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

atmywitsendxx · 16/09/2014 10:36

Regarding the his mum. He had to travel 3 hours to see her daily which I think I did make a comment do you have to go every day. I also do think I moaned when he had his family to stay during this time. I know I probably didn't say the right things all the time. I need to make more effort to think before I speak.

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coppertop · 16/09/2014 10:37

He says that listening to you talk about your problems had "worn down his love" for you. He's also saying that you haven't been helping him with his problems.

Do you see how he's already contradicting himself?

Either couples are supposed to talk about their problems and you've therefore done nothing wrong. Or they're not supposed to - in which case he shouldn't be expecting you to deal with his problems.

He can't have it both ways.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 10:39

People who go for over-dramatic protestations like 'swear on the baby's life' are instantly suspect IME... People who spend all night out 'on a sofa' and it miraculously coincides with them realising that they have been feeling very unhappy in their relationship for a long time are fooling no-one. There are hundreds of ways to meet someone.

He's 25, he's got a baby, responsibilities, feels he's missing out, his mother was sick... blah blah. If I was to guess I'd say he's got a serious case of cold feet, realises he settled down way too quickly and is anxious to get back to enjoying the single life and a bit more screwing around. Nothing to do with how well or badly you supported him.

Original poster

atmywitsendxx · 16/09/2014 10:54

He does say he feels like he is 40. He does have a high pressured job for his age. We do spend a lot of time sitting on the sofa not communicating we both work long hours and by the time we get home we are both so tired.

I just feel I should have made more effort and probably did take him for granted that he will always be there.

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hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2014 10:59

They ALL 'swear' on their child's/childrens life.
He's following the 'script' nicely here.
Please look after yourself now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 11:00

How would you making more effort affect how he feels now or how he is behaving? So you moaned about his family... so you wondered if the daily three hour trips to see mother were necessary.... so what? I know it's natural, when you've been rejected, to wonder 'where did I go wrong?', 'how could I have done better?' ... but you can only ever be yourself. If he has decided that you are not right for him, that's not a cue for you to suddenly change your personality.

TwoHeadedDolphin · 16/09/2014 11:05

It's often easier to believe that you could have done something differently that would have made a difference, but like previous posters I honestly think that this is about him and not you. It is not unsupportive to ask if he has to do a three hour round trip every day, for crying out loud, even if he is doing it to see his mum. And I whinge to my partner about work all the time.

MumsyFoxy · 16/09/2014 11:13

OP it sounds like you're much better off without this guy. Better now than a painful and costly divorce in a few years. Do not allow him to undermine you by blaming you.

Original poster

atmywitsendxx · 16/09/2014 11:20

He asked me if I still love him the same which I do. He says my actions have made him love me less. I apologised for everything but he says it's too little too late. I said I would put effort into changing but I feel I would need to wait until another thing to happen where he would need support where I could show him how supportive I could be.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/09/2014 11:39

Together for four years and a DD, but now he's bored and in effect claims that you take him for granted. Looking after an infant and running your own business must take it out of you. It is not uncommon when life gets hectic to find yourselves become more like housemates than lovers but I notice you say he now says he's been unhappy for 9 months - the same length of time as the engagement. Very specific.

Your DD is only a year old. Bringing a baby into the world puts extra stress on the bezt relationships.

I expect we do take our long term partners for granted at times so perhaps there was a nugget of truth in what he said but it can cut both ways.

It is good he is not forgetting his responsibility for DD and I hope that continues.

As to any OW in the background. Recently he was out late then slept on a friend's sofa? That often turns out to be code for 'slept with someone you don't know about'. The daily visits to his DM - that's where he told you he was, are you quite sure? If he has finished with you and you see no wy back, it will be needlessly hurtful to dig into whether he has been completely truthful about there being no-one else. Just be aware that him rewriting your history is frequently a means of justifying an escape from a former existence and swearing on the baby's head is no proof he has been utterly honest.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 11:40

What a nasty wanker this man really is. Making you grovel like that and then saying 'too late'. Appalling I strongly recommend that you drop all contact with him because all these conversations (texts? e-mails?) are doing is smash your self-esteem even further into the dirt.

You don't have to prove yourself worthy of him. He's not some big prize that he can hold out like a chocolate drop to a dog if it does the trick right. Disgusting.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2014 11:44

He's blaming you now so he can find ways to justify his appalling behaviour.
Please don't engage with him anymore.
Tell him you will only have contact with regards to access of DD.
Sorry but he's still following the 'script' for me!!

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 11:49

Please drop kick this wanker into touch and stop apologising, you are demeaning yourself

he has dipped his wick elsewhere and wants to carry on doing it

the Pick me dance here will further demolish any respect for you he still has left

longtallsally2 · 16/09/2014 11:54

Huge sympathy OP. Having a baby, running a home and two pressurised jobs is very very hard work. Throw in his mother's illness and you have enormous pressure. This is not your fault: I had to work hard just to stay sane in that first year! Yes, you need to support each other but sometimes in a family with a new baby there is just not enough energy and support to go around.

Your f is very young and seems to be stumbling at the first hurdle. He may well have met someone else two weeks ago and been reminded of what life is like for a young, single bloke. for you, but you may also be getting a lucky escape here. If some time apart leads him to change his mind, and want his family back, make sure that he understands that it will not be an easy ride. You will all need to support each other and love each other and that is hard work. It should be loving and funny and rewarding and frustrating and heartbreaking and much much more besides, but it ain't ever going to be as easy as being single.

Twinklestein · 16/09/2014 11:57

It's a moot point now as he's obviously got his eye on someone else, but how much support did he actually give you over the first year of your daughter's life while you're running a business? Did he do night feeds & take the baby so you could have a day off?

I say this only because I think you're internalising the wrong message and will move forward with it.

The lack of support and your supposed behaviour is just an excuse to blame you for the end of the relationship when really he's too immature for the commitment and raising a kid.

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