Fiance left me...long

[atmywitsendxx]

I have been with DF for 4 years, engaged for 9 months and have a one year old daughter. After 2 weeks of him being very distant he told me he no longer loves me in the same way.

We have had lots of chats over the past few weeks about making more time for each other, difficult with a baby and both working full time. I run my own business which comes with lots of stress.

It all came to a head the other night with him telling me his feelings have change for me. He says I have not supported him through some difficult things this year and I am always moaning to him about

Hi Op

I am so sorry you are going through this awful time.

I pretty much wrote your post 5 years ago word for word and the time I spent beating myself up that I had been responsible for my then H falling out of love with me lasted for ages no matter what anyone else said and it took me a long time to realise it was not my fault.

I blamed myself for not paying him enough attention since having a baby
I blamed myself for being too moany about work getting me down
I blamed myself for not being 'fun' enough for him any more
I blamed myself for not listening to him when he had tried to tell me he was unhappy ..

I did all of this because he had told me that these were the reasons that he no longer loved me in the same way. I did what you are doing now ( understandably) and felt responsible for him falling out of love with me and that 'if only I had been more x or less y then he would still love me. I was, like you completely blindsided by all of this and so it really was a case of kicking me when I was down.

I later went on to realise that all of these accusations were conveniently manufactured to suit his situation . There was an OW in our situation that he had met at work -they are almost without exception someone from work as ,like you say with young children there isn't a lot of time.

I, like you had been encouraging him to go out with people for work as he had recently been promoted and was doing well at work and he had started 'staying on friends' sofas' too.

I know it's not what you want to hear and yes maybe there is an element of him feeling like he has taken on too much too young (his actions are still inexcusable )but I would be very surprised if no- one else was involved ( and yes I was also sworn blind to that there was no- one else)

Anyway please don't do what I did and become almost obsessed with trying to find out of there was someone else involved. I now realise that it didn't actually matter. He massively shirked his responsibilities and was gone- making me feel like shit in the process like you are now.

Instead remember

He is the one who has bailed out of your relationship here. You have just been doing what every other mum to young DC is doing . Getting through each day

You are not responsible for this breakup.

Try and disengage from him and any more of his ramblings designed to make you feel like shit and him alleviate his guilt.

I am really sorry that this has happened to you at a time that was meant to be so happy. So many prole told me when it happened that 'if it was going to happen then far better now than when the DCs are older ( DD was 2, I was pregnant with DS) . I felt like screaming at people at the time but they were so right.

Your future H would have done this at some stage if it wasn't now and it would have hit you all even harder.

I'm still very sorry you are having to deal with it at all though.

He "needed a blow out?" Blow job, more like. I call OW.

Twat.

Thank you all so much for your comments. It is so good reading different opinions.

I think you might be right about the OW as he has been in this job less than a year. He has moved to a large office lots more people etc than is last job. He was out with work people last week admitted it was a few guys and girls and is out this Friday a colleagues leaving night.

When he slept on the sofa it was a work night out but it was a friend he hadnt seen in months sofa he slept on . He apparently "bumped" into him in town and ended up back at his. I did check his phone after that night and nothing at all. There were no messages from the friend either I was kind of expecting nice to catch up/hope you didn't get in too much trouble etc but nothing.

I just do feel I could have been a better person in so many ways but I know I am not that bad. He says I'm high maintenance and hard work. I am passionate about my business and hard working. I know he hates my business as I can allow it to dominate my life. I never embarrass him on nights out getting too drunk etc. This can happen in both sides of our family. We have a nice life and are comfortable. I just can't imagine having to start again at 30!

30? You are still a baby !

Thanks! I just feel completely devastated by all this. I just dont know how I can go on. I feel like I never get the happy ending, something always goes wrong. My last relationship my ex was cheating on me for 6 months. I honestly thought I had found "the one" and happiness.

This really doesn't sound like it's your fault at all! I think he's a selfish fuckwit who's pissed off that he's not getting your undivided attention since your dd was born. And he spends 3 hours a day visiting his parents, every day? Or did I get that wrong? Doesn't sound like he's supporting you.

I know it's heart breaking now, but I think it's for the best, and I'm sure you will too, in time. At least you haven't married him yet!

He's just freaked out about getting married. You're doing exactly the right thing by living elsewhere. Go NC as much as possible - outside of talking about your DC - and give BOTH of you a chance to think about what you want.

Don't listen to his "reasons". I'm sure very, very little of this is about you. You most likely didn't do anything wrong.

Sorry you're going through this. :( Hope you get all the wedding-deposit money back.

His mum was ill a few months ago and that was when he has to visit her.

I know its better this has happened before we got married. Just can't help but hate myself.

His sister cancelled her wedding a few months ago as well all booked paid etc.

He wants need to take full responsibility for the breakdown as its him that's unhappy. I told him a few months ago I was unhappy with his anger and name calling during arguments which he has improved. He said he wanted me to stop moaning and stressing out about my work and to support him more which he said I have not done.

OP this man would never have been happy, whatever you did. Rather than being honest with you, he's chosen to pick fights, pick holes and finally go screwing around behind your back. That's a cowardly & immature way of getting out of a relationship, and if you are feeling hatred it should be aimed at him and not yourself.

Hope you're OK this morning.

There seems to be a general perception that he has met someone else or is shagging around which I don't see any evidence of.

However I do agree that he is probably too young and feels he has settled down too early. The responsibilities if a child, sick mum and what appears to be a high pressure job are obviously things that he is having difficulties with. And he maybe somewhat immature so feels your problems are adding to his stress.

No one on here knows the extent of either yours or his "moaning" but I think anyone will find this wearing if it is one sided. Of course a couple does need to communicate such things and be supportive of each other but in this instance it not have happened.

I don't subscribe to the "he is a wanker" lines or really that anyone is to blame here. It is more a case of having a proper conversation to fully understand what is going on. Of course if he does want to live a single life like some have suggested then you do need to determine if he is the right man for you.

Good luck!

It's a moot point if he is the right man for the OP... he's decided it's over.

Thanks everyone.

I am really not sure if he is seeing anyone I have not seen any actual evidence of this apart from the increased amount of work nights out. I have never seen any messages etc in all the time we have been together.

I do have a bit of a gut feeling he has maybe had his head turned by someone. I dunno if it is worth trying to find this out or is there any point if he doesn't want to be with me anyways.

You finding out that he's had "his head turned" might not change the outcome but could change you blaming yourself. Or at least, stop accepting his reasons for ending it. However, it could just mean more turmoil and more asking yourself what you could have done differently and on and on and on.

My own feeling is that you should accept that he ended the relationship because he's an arse.

I know it really won't make any difference it seems to be over. He has been in the pub every evening since I have moved out apart from the night he has had our daughter. I'm slowly starting to feel a bit better after feeling like I was going to collapse in town earlier.

You are obviously hard working and spend a lot of time on your business so he is probably feeling a bit put out. How long so you work out of interest and was he aware of it when you got together?

I don't need to tell you that a relationship needs time and effort by both parties but were you both making enough effort? All well and good saying he is a twat etc but whoever you are with will want what they deem to be enough attention.

Not meant to be offensive in any way as I am in the same boat. I left for work at 6:30 this morning and arrive home at 11pm. Yes it was a long day but I love what I do, albeit hard work and highly pressurised. However any gf/wife will either have to make sacrifices for me or me for her or I need to find someone equally driven!

Life ambitions, be they about kids, homes or careers need to align or at least your partner needs to be understanding for it to be a long term proposition. Sounds like you just want different things which is better you found out now. And something to think about for future relationships.