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Original poster

Am I being childish towards in-laws?

46 replies

Redlorry75 · 25/09/2006 10:27

Hi All,

I just wanted to get some opinions.

My DH's brother and his wife had a 2nd DD in the early hours of yesterday morning. When DH turned on his mobile phone around 8am, he had a text telling us time of birth, weight and sex and saying 'speak later'. The text was sent at about 4 in the morning and obviousley we were'nt expecting to be the priority when it come to calls.

However we still have not had a call from either BIL, SIL, MIL or FIL about the new arrival and it's now a day and a half since the birth. DH is BIL's only sibling, and as cross as I am I can't help but feel sorry for DH at being almost ignored by his brother and parents.

We dont even know what baby's name is - although DH's aunt who got back from USA yesterday has spoken to BIL on the phone and has an idea what the name might be - but as far as BIL is concerned he has no reason to think we would know this.

We are expecting our 2nd DC in December and the way we feel right now we're not even going to tell the IL's when it arrives. They all live very close to each other while we are about 75 miles away. So MIL and FIL have been very involved during SIL's PG. Whereas we are completely on our own but for friends, as both my parents are no longer with us and I am an only child.

We could do with some support - but because of the way we have been treated, which feels like like second best, I have told my MIL on several occassions - our friends will help us through - which they have all offered to do. This includes looking after my DD when I am in labour - although I know I would prefer DD to be at home with her nanny, rather than sent to a friends for however long it takes.

I feel my MIL, by offering to come and stay with us around my due date is actually trying to position herself to be the first to see new DC, as opposed to actually being there to help, and I dont want her there for mainly that reason.

I have'nt gone into our long past but basically she can be very manipulating - and everyone in the family walks on eggshells around her because she is good at turning on water works if she doesnt get her own way, and she likes to make out she's the victim. She interefeared between DH and BIL for our wedding, which caused bed feelings, and has stamped her feet about Christmas arrangements too.

Am I being childish in my attitude towards why we have'nt been phoned?

OP posts:

TheBlonde · 25/09/2006 10:29

Is there some reason why your DH can't call his bro?

Carmenere · 25/09/2006 10:30

What's stopping you phoning?

PrettyCandles · 25/09/2006 10:31

I can see why you feel uncomfortable (and I certainly agree with you about not having MIL with you around your due date), but I htink you ought to transcend your hurt feelings and call your BIL. Don't call your MIL, and if she answers then ask to speak to BIL without discussing the baby.

It could be that MIL has taken over and is dictating everything over there - it could be that the've had a medical emergency and everythging is up in the air - it could be that they are totally doo-lally with hormones and lack of sleep, and haven't got a list of numbers to call. It could be anything! Call them with joy and interest, and don't assume the worst or let yourself be upset by any silliness on their part.

wanderingstar · 25/09/2006 10:32

You did get a very early text ! Maybe bil is waiting for your dh to ring and say "Congratulations".

Freckle · 25/09/2006 10:32

Well quite. You know how things are when you've just had a baby. If I were your BIL, I'd be feeling miffed that my only sibling couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and say congratulations. You were sent a text with the basic details. I'd say the rest of the contact is down to you.

compo · 25/09/2006 10:33

agree with everyone else that the onus is on your dh to ring and offer congratulations.

hana · 25/09/2006 10:34

I recently had a baby and it was a long time in coming ( the labour and lead up) She was born in the morning and we fisrt called both sets of parents - didn't get around to calling my siblings and mum said she would call and say we had the baby, everything was fine and I'd call them when I was home with details of sex, name etc etc
sisters were fine with this
brother was really put out that I hadn't bothered to call right away - and this made me angry - yes he's my brother but there was a lof of other things more imp than calling him!! It was our 3 baby, collecting the other 2 from where they were staying etc etc
I'd call your bro and be happy for them!

tribpot · 25/09/2006 10:35

I agree - surely knackered new-baby parents shouldn't be expected to phone? The PILs are maybe a different story; when my ds was born I phoned my mum and dh phoned his mum and that was it, everyone else found out either by text or by one or other mum calling. In fact my dad found out from the mum of one of my friends as I intended to call him when I got out of hospital but he spoke to her before I did. Ooops.

It doesn't sound like having your MIL around after the birth will be at all helpful, definitely suggest you turn her down.

wartywarthog · 25/09/2006 10:35

i think you should phone. perhaps your bil / sil are upset that you haven't made the effort. don't forget, they're totally bowled over by the birth. we didn't phone anyone for a few days. close family phoned us.

your mil probably does genuinely want to help. why don't you have her around 3 weeks after the birth for a couple of days, when you've had time to get accustomed to your dc?

Original poster

Redlorry75 · 25/09/2006 10:36

DH did text back and said ring us when you're able to. But I dont think we should ring, as BIL and SIl have her mum there and we dont want to add to the chaos, plus we dont actually know of SIL is out of hospital etc, or wether baby or niece is napping etc.
If positions were reversed we would be making the calls - that's how it went last time for both families - I am being childish are'nt I????

OP posts:

anniemac · 25/09/2006 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Freckle · 25/09/2006 10:39

Why not send some flowers with a note? They will probably then call to thank you for them and you can have a chat then.

dinosaur · 25/09/2006 10:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CarolinaMoon · 25/09/2006 10:39

I think you should ring with your congratulations. Don't wait for them to call you as you they will prob have a million things to do atm.

multitasker · 25/09/2006 10:40

Very childish - its their happy time - get over yourself.

wanderingstar · 25/09/2006 10:41

Redlorry don't be offended please, but maybe you've forgotten just a bit what it's like just after a baby...regardless of how you "did the calls" for your 1st one. Just call, send a big bunch of flowers or other pressie, and write a warm and friendly card to them.

Carmenere · 25/09/2006 10:41

Yes but at least you realise it, why don't you send flowers?

CarolinaMoon · 25/09/2006 10:42

Redlorry, a phone call from you won't add to the chaos - if they can't answer it will go to their answerphone won't it?

I wouldn't let this fester any longer tbh.

eidsvold · 25/09/2006 10:42

FGS - just call and say congratulations - they are new parents - they have far too much on their plate to worry about remembering who has been called or not.

Just pick up the phone and say congratulations.

tissy · 25/09/2006 10:43

yes you are!

Even if you texted back with an instruction to ring when they're able, who are you to say what their priorities should be?

Ring them, ask whoever answers if it is a good time to call, and then speak to new Mum or Dad in person and say congratulations, and ask if there's anything you can do to help. They are probably completely unaware that you're agonising over this.

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 25/09/2006 10:43

I think it sounds like one of those situations where no-one can win really. If your MIL hadn't offered to stay, you'd be complaining of lack of support, and as she has, you're interpreting it as her "positioning" herself to see the new baby first. She can't win, can she? I appreciate that there may be an historical situation which colours your views of her, but with in-laws I think you just always need to give them the benefit of the doubt (unless they're total mentalists who you can't be arsed with either way).

I agree with whoever said send them a congrats card and flowers. Then you're not adding to the chaos, but showing you're thinking of them.

nellie245 · 25/09/2006 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Redlorry75 · 25/09/2006 10:47

Have made it sound like we begrudge them their baby which we dont, we have one of our own on the way, and myself and SIL have been on the phone regularly throughout comenting on who's swelling where and trying to sort out our Christmas shopping.

We are genuinly very happy for them. But when you hear that you DH Aunt has been called and you have'nt it does cut. We did'nt just expect BIL or SIL themselves to call, but not even for MIL or FIL to call I feel - knowing how the family works - is out of order. We are going to see BIL and SIL next weekend with a huge hamper of goodies for the new DD and a few bits for older DD.

OP posts:

CarolinaMoon · 25/09/2006 10:48

she prob called them though, didn't she?

Original poster

Redlorry75 · 25/09/2006 10:50

And - I might ad, I will get DH to phone his brother this afternoon when I get home!

And no have not forgotten what having a new baby is like. I phoned the world and his dog from my hospital bed, with DD cradeled in arms, as I was just so pleased and proud!

OP posts:

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