Am I being childish towards in-laws?

[Redlorry75]

Hi All,

I just wanted to get some opinions.

My DH's brother and his wife had a 2nd DD in the early hours of yesterday morning. When DH turned on his mobile phone around 8am, he had a text telling us time of birth, weight and sex and saying 'speak later'. The text was sent at about 4 in the morning and obviousley we were'nt expecting to be the priority when it come to calls.

However we still have not had a call from either BIL, SIL, MIL or FIL about the new arrival and it's now a day and a half since the birth. DH is BIL's only sibling, and as cross as I am I can't help but feel sorry for DH at being almost ignored by his brother and parents.

We dont even know what baby's name is - although DH's aunt who got back from USA yesterday has spoken to BIL on the phone and has an idea what the name might be - but as far as BIL is concerned he has no reason to think we would know this.

We are expecting our 2nd DC in December and the way we feel right now we're not even going to tell the IL's when it arrives. They all live very close to each other while we are about 75 miles away. So MIL and FIL have been very involved during SIL's PG. Whereas we are completely on our own but for friends, as both my parents are no longer with us and I am an only child.

We could do with some support - but because of the way we have been treated, which feels like like second best, I have told my MIL on several occassions - our friends will help us through - which they have all offered to do. This includes looking after my DD when I am in labour - although I know I would prefer DD to be at home with her nanny, rather than sent to a friends for however long it takes.

I feel my MIL, by offering to come and stay with us around my due date is actually trying to position herself to be the first to see new DC, as opposed to actually being there to help, and I dont want her there for mainly that reason.

I have'nt gone into our long past but basically she can be very manipulating - and everyone in the family walks on eggshells around her because she is good at turning on water works if she doesnt get her own way, and she likes to make out she's the victim. She interefeared between DH and BIL for our wedding, which caused bed feelings, and has stamped her feet about Christmas arrangements too.

Am I being childish in my attitude towards why we have'nt been phoned?

You are being childish (or possibly just pregnant and hormonal ), sorry. Give them a call to say congratulations.

But if you won't be comfortable having your MIL around when your DC2 arrives, don't. Tell her you and DH and DD want to have some time together to bond as a family unit and could she come a couple of weeks later.

That's a completely separate issue from your BIL and SIL though -- I can't see that they've done anything in the least objectionable.

Why don't you call him now? It doesn't have to be your dh who makes the call.

If it was 4am yesterday when the baby was born I'm not at all surprised they haven't spoken to anyone yet ... and to be honest I would think that the fact they've left you a message means that the onus is on you now to get in touch with them to congratulate them and ask how everything's going. They're probably feeling pretty miffed that you haven't bothered replying to their message.

I don't think this has anything to do with your MIL, by the way - this is all about your BIL and SIL and their new baby, everyone else is going to come pretty far down the list of their priorities.

The onus is definitely on your dh to call. BIL is proabably a bit miffed that he has not called yet.

Just to clear up MIl and SIL issue.

MIL is round there every day and her and SIL are very alike in some ways. They had between them agreed what was happeneing this Christmas without even asking what we would like to do (my DC2 will have arrived by then and will be about 2 weeks old - God willing). As SIL and BIL go to her mum's evry year, I suggested that we along with MIL and FIL got to a hotel - I was told this was too expensive and MIL had already agreed they were going to SIL - as she'll hvae a new baby! What will I have? A toffee!

SIL and I have bonded over how we feel MIL can be as she is not like our own mothers. But sometimes when they have been together, I get a run down from MIL about what they've been up to, and whenever I tell her something I get SIL's persepctive from her!!!

I would love my relationship with my SIL to improve for our DH's sake and our childrens, but because of MIL interfearance I dont think that can ever happen

After I had dd I had my phone switched off for about two days and I really couldn't have given a toss whether my sil was feeling slighted, I presume that my mum and dad had told all who needed to know. What is the big deal? If you can't be wholeheartedly and completely delighted for them, without conditions, what does that say about you? Really and truely are your (probably imagined) hurt feelings more important than the arrival of a new little member of your extended family?

I think you are letting your feelings about your MIL get in the way with regard to this new baby. The MIL problem is a completely different thing, but if you're not careful you'll get bitter and twisted with your BIL and SIL over it. The MIL issue might be making you feel slighted but it has nothing to do with the new baby, and it isn't stopping you from ringing your BIL and congratulating him on their new arrival.

Okay, you have all made me feel - quite rightly as was your intentions extremely guilty about this.

I can't phone right now as 1. I am at work and 2. I dont have the number. However I shall phone when I get home. It will be the first thing I do - I promise, and I will post on here later tonight to let you all know.

And I will work at my relationship with my SIL despite MIL interfearance.

And I am totally completely happy for them BTW Carmenere! Just feeling hurt - imagined or otherwise that no one has called us, which I will get over right now, despite my pregnant emotional state

Good, I'm glad you are, the reason that you haven't been called is probably just an oversight, really and truly stop focusing on it it, is no big deal. Focus on the good stuff and ignore the old bat, she only has as much power to upset you as you give her.

Lift your phone now and call them!!!!!!!

My friend had a baby boy yesterday afternoon and I was out all day... I got a text through last night at 10.45 to say he had been born and 2.15 and she had to stay 6 hours in hosp and they were both home.. then at the end it said "Call and see him soon!!!!" So what we'll do is, maybe give her to Friday to she establishes breast feeding, and let her have the week with her dh and her other 2 kiddies getting used to their new brother, then go on Friday with a pot of soup and a casserole or something... well, that's how we do it with eachother as we both have 2 kids each born near each other

Go on!! Give 'em a call!!

OOps I can see it has moved on from my post... lol I cleaned the kitchen in between writing it and posting it

But you were informed of the birth at 4am! How much sooner can you get? And they had the decency not to wake you to tell you but leave the message so that you would get it when you woke. So they told you and I would say it's down to you to call them now isn't it? And send flowers maybe?

As for who is looking after your child when you are in labour....what would be best for your DD? Don't let your resentment of an admittedly manipulative mil force your hand - either way.

oh yeah....I 've just read the other posts too Hope it goes OK.

Dear All,

As promised here's my update. I phoned SIL's house as soon as I got home (although after I had a wee)

SIL is still in hospital as her new DD has a few things the the docs wanted to check out, nothing major thankfully and so far all the tests and checks have yielded positive results. But anyway this accounts for the lack of phone calls from BIL and SIL and who can blame them - yes I feel even worse now!

I spoke to SIL's mum who is lovely and she gave me all the infomration. I passed on my love to them all and said for my SIL or BIL to call us when SIL was out of hospital and they were up to it, as I know more of her family are visiting today and tomorrow (I know I've asked her to call me but I wont know when she's in otherwise - will I?).

The upshot of this is that my DH is now really cross with his parents for having to learn this from his brothers MIL! But that is another matter and one that will be dealt with this evening by him.

I have passed on to SIL's mum all our love and said we will visit at the weekend if all is well with them. I also asked if SIL had everything she needed for new DD, and if so I would just go wild in the pink aisle and buy lots of stuff I think she'd like.

I hope this has gone some way towards me redeeming myself with you all. Thanks for kick up the bum! I am now excitedly looking forward to seeing my new neice and her immediate family at the weekend.

awwwww Redlorry, that sounds lovely

Hope they are out soon.

Don't feel bad about it - it's easy to take things the wrong way when it comes to ILs - I've done it often enough myself .

Excellent! Have fun in the pink aisle, and don't forget a little something for SIL (top-quality chocolate is very good for milk production ).

So thats something for new baby, something for big sister, something for mummy and I suppse something for daddy as I dont want him feeling left out!!!

I got this all wrong when I had DS2. Managed to offend many with our poor communication it seems. Don't feel bad....you weren't to know.

I think their new baby is far more important to them than you, and so it should be. You are being quite childish in expecting to be put before someone's newborn firstborn, aren't you? Why should they phone you?

Sorry didn't see update.