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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP said a strange thing. Perspective

34 replies

Fastcargirl · 14/09/2014 16:22

I need some perspective on this. It's not major but it's on my mind. Out with DP the other night at a gig with his brother and sil. I've met them twice before both times in pubs so not had chance to properly talk. They seem nice and I'm nice, know how to interact although I'm not very 'forward' and sometime find it difficult to open up, start an animated conversation but once it's started I join in well. I have opinions but I'm not confrontational. While I was waiting for a drink his Sil came over, we started talking and although it was hard due to music I thought we had a good conversation. We talked about jobs, I talked about what I liked about my job, what I didn't. Asked her about hers, said how skilled her line of work was. We talked about children and how pressurised they may feel and it seemed ok. Fast forward a few minutes and I was standing outside with DP. Out of nowhere he said 'you didn't upset (name) did you?' I was more than taken back and filled with annoyance and then worry as to whether I had said something inadvertent to upset her. I replied that to my knowledge I didn't but I'm so different and relatively new to meeting them so I've no idea what is and what isn't off bounds. It was an end to an evening that was awkward anyway as I didn't know a sole and the place had loads of his friends in it.
Am I being over sensitive? My DP is always very worried about what people think of him, me less so but now I'm worried his sister in law might say negative things to DP which will confirm his suspicion that upset her!

OP posts:
CariadsDarling · 14/09/2014 16:23

It sounds to me its your DP with the problem and no one else.

McBear · 14/09/2014 16:26

I'm lost. Did you speak to her again after this conversation?

Yama · 14/09/2014 16:28

I don't think I like the cut of his jib.

You are your own person and not answerable to him.

And even if you had upset her, maybe it was for a good reason.

gincamparidryvermouth · 14/09/2014 16:29

I'm so different

What do you mean?

mylifeisgood · 14/09/2014 16:29

But why would he ask that? What was the question based on? Did she have a face on after your chat? Did you notice anything about her looking off?
His question sounds bizarre, and as pp said, it is more about his insecurities than anything to do with you.

SBGA · 14/09/2014 16:30

I'm a great believer in "start as you mean to go on".

It's not healthy for you to tiptoe around other people's taboo subjects. You have made it clear in your OP that you said nothing in an unkind or confrontational manner, so you have nothing to worry about.

I've been with people who worry about what people think - everyone apart from me that is! - and they try to projects their worry onto the other person. The danger of accommodating to this worry is that they can try to control what you say to who, which really isn't healthy.

So just be yourself and they can take it or leave it. I would urge you to avoid tiptoeing around them or your life will never be your own.

ArgyMargy · 14/09/2014 16:32

Yep, sounds like this is about him, not you (or her).

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/09/2014 16:34

I have no idea how you could have upset anyone. Either she's a manipulative drama queen or your dp doesn't like you getting on with his family and is trying to cause trouble.

Was she even upset?

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 14/09/2014 16:43

I don't like his attitude and I think you'd be better walking away before you get in too deep.

If you don't you'll spend the rest of forever coming second to not upsetting anyone or showing him up, you'll end up a nervous wreck.

Doobiedoobedoobie · 14/09/2014 16:47

I'm not sure I fully understand but could it have had something t o do with this;

We talked about children and how pressurised they may feel

Are they TTC or anything that may make that subject sensitive?

Doobiedoobedoobie · 14/09/2014 16:48

I read that as pressurised into having them though I may have misread Confused

OldF0ssil · 14/09/2014 16:49

Is he nervous about u meeting his friends and VV
i admit i hate this. I dont think my friends will like the men i date, that they'll think they are too woolly/hippy/broke/spiritual/shy...... even tho i like a bf it doesnt mean that wondering if my friends approve isnt stressful!

OldF0ssil · 14/09/2014 16:50

To give him the benefit of the doubt. But he should also be wondering what u make of his brother n his wife if he is one of those people who like me gets so nervous about introducing different people in their life.

Fastcargirl · 14/09/2014 16:56

Thanks I feel relieved as I think the same. In thinking about the differences, I'm different only in that I'm from a completely different part of the country, I'm a single mother with full time job, go on holiday alone (used to), I'm not English, lived abroad and have done a lot of things alone (not always by choice) as I'd been single along time. I probably have a different perspective or experience of some aspects of life. Not better, just different. His sil has been married for 25 years, very stable, very loving marriage, work as a team. I like her. DP is v close to his brother. She didn't show any signs of distress when we were talking and she didn't say anything to her partner or my DP as there wouldn't have been time.
My DP also said she would probably be sitting in the car saying what a bitch I am for daring to advise her on her sons education. All I did was say how valuable my son has found a work based college course and how employees love it when a young persons CV shows they have worked in some form of employment or volunteer job.
This absolutely says everything about my partner. I did say to him that if I have to eggshell walk around his family fearing one difference of opinion would cause them distress then he has some serious thinking to do. As do I. I also found it odd that I have to accommodate the sil

OP posts:
something2say · 14/09/2014 16:57

I'm with everyone else. All we can ever be is a great version of ourselves, and whomever we do or do not get along with after that? Well let the cards fall as they may. Ignore your partners comment. It is more about him. You did nothing wrong.

Vivacia · 14/09/2014 17:00

Has this only just come up? "DP" suggests that this is a long term relationship.

Fastcargirl · 14/09/2014 17:04

Sorry I'm not drip feeding but he asked me what I really thought of his DB and SIL and I replied they were v nice, kind, friendly and I liked that. He then said 'but you wouldn't choose to have them as close friends'. I had no answer to that one as I don't know them at all which is my honest answer. I feel like he wanted me to dislike them he then said in the next breathe that it would be good if we could all go out together as friends, I said that sounds good to me. This whole thing has come out of the blue, very odd

OP posts:
Fastcargirl · 14/09/2014 17:07

Together a year. Due to holidays, me working away etc not much opportunity to meet the B and sil. Meet the parents a lot and DP never worries about me with them.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2014 17:20

His comments say far more about him than yourself. His comment was trying to put you on the backfoot and to that end it succeeded. You have done nothing wrong here; his issues are all in his head. He is a very nasty individual indeed who is jealous of the fact that you had a nice chat with his sister in law.

I note too you've been together for about a year; he's been on his best behaviour till now to suck you in. Now he has done his "nice to you" act long enough you're seeing the real him as he thinks it would be too difficult now for you to leave.

Honestly I would walk away now.

lizzzyyliveson · 14/09/2014 17:23

she would probably be sitting in the car saying what a bitch I am

He was actually the person that called you a bitch - walk away from him now.

Fastcargirl · 14/09/2014 17:32

Attila yes that is exactly how I feel. Back footed.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2014 17:39

You feel backfooted because that did happen to you.

You have every right to walk away from him now because I think he will do this over and over again to you given any opportunity to do so. Bet you as well he's never done that to anyone else, only you.

The ball is very much in your court - what are you going to do re him going forward?.

Read up on "gaslighting". He wanted to put you on the backfoot and that action of his was a deliberate one done to undermine you and make you look stupid and uncertain. He is playing power games here and you ignore that at your emotional peril.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/09/2014 17:47

If you were unaware of dropping a clanger and his SIL seemed unfazed, I don't suppose you said anything outrageous. Had lots of alcohol been consumed?

If SIL 'vets' all her BIL's girlfriends you may have failed some test she set you. Over the years I noticed it is often an incomer to the family - okay she's been around for 25 years - who is strangely protective of her in-laws especially a BIL and may have very fixed ideas about his future partner. Or were you getting on too well with dp's brother earlier?

But I agree your dp overreacted. If you and he have been an item for a year he should know you well enough to trust you around the people closest to him. I don't think I'd be overjoyed at his assumption you'd put your foot in it, worse still why invent a scenario where this woman's calling you a bitch behind your back? Did you ask him if he'd stood up for you if she got the wrong end of the stick? I'm at a loss really.

GloriousGoosebumps · 14/09/2014 17:50

What exactly did you say about them feeling pressurised into having children? That doesn't seem the type of conversation to have with someone you have just met for the first time.

BolshierAyraStark · 14/09/2014 17:56

Sorry but I fail to see how anything you said/did from your OP would warrant the ridiculous thing he said.
Sounds like a game player to me-I tend to avoid this type due to wankerish behaviour, you should do the same...

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