DP said a strange thing. Perspective

[Fastcargirl]

I need some perspective on this. It's not major but it's on my mind. Out with DP the other night at a gig with his brother and sil. I've met them twice before both times in pubs so not had chance to properly talk. They seem nice and I'm nice, know how to interact although I'm not very 'forward' and sometime find it difficult to open up, start an animated conversation but once it's started I join in well. I have opinions but I'm not confrontational. While I was waiting for a drink his Sil came over, we started talking and although it was hard due to music I thought we had a good conversation. We talked about jobs, I talked about what I liked about my job, what I didn't. Asked her about hers, said how skilled her line of work was. We talked about children and how pressurised they may feel and it seemed ok. Fast forward a few minutes and I was standing outside with DP. Out of nowhere he said 'you didn't upset (name) did you?' I was more than taken back and filled with annoyance and then worry as to whether I had said something inadvertent to upset her. I replied that to my knowledge I didn't but I'm so different and relatively new to meeting them so I've no idea what is and what isn't off bounds. It was an end to an evening that was awkward anyway as I didn't know a sole and the place had loads of his friends in it.
Am I being over sensitive? My DP is always very worried about what people think of him, me less so but now I'm worried his sister in law might say negative things to DP which will confirm his suspicion that upset her!

Fuck it, ring her up and ask her. Say, "By the way, DP seems to think I may have offended you the other night. It wasn't my intention. Did I?".

That'd give him something to think about.

Assuming he's nice when it's just the two of you, and edgy when introductions are made, I'd assume he isn't comfortable in himself. His happiness is based as much on other people thinking he's happy as it is actually being happy, dykwim? He's worried about how other people (specifically partners) reflect on him. He feels like a mirror first and foremost. He's the reflection. Not the image itself. I understand this because I used to be like this.

Even now I worry about what my friends will make of my new bf. They're so different. But if my bf did come out with some philosophies and ramble on a bit I'd feel a bit awkward. Similarly if my friends started going on about some lovely (expensive) restaurant they'd been to, I'd be a bit embarrassed on their behalf in front of him. Even though they are fine and he is fine. It's me. I am a chameleon.

There's a backstory here, and it's not yours OP.

What's he like with his friends?

You sound friendly and considerate. Your partners comments sound worrying to me, especially the "bitch" one. I'd be very mindful of future conversations and hidden agendas after this OP.

Thank you sorry for delayed reply. With my friends he is great, friendly, likes them and says they are great. I do get the feeling he is uneasy with me and his friends and brothers family. With his parents he is fine and me and his dad talk pretty directly. The mirror scenario is v interesting. He has told me before that when he goes out with his work mates and gets drunk he spends the next day worrying about whether he has said something out of turn or upset someone. In fact he would feel distraught if he thought he'd upset someone. Guilt features a lot in his life whereas I don't have such worries and I don't intend to upset people therefore I assume I don't. He has 3 close friends and he tells me he sometimes feels frustrated when he is expected to do the travelling to them all the time. I've tackled him about it before saying that I question his authenticity when he is so worried about upsetting people does he ever be true to himself.

Maybe its innocent? Maybe in the past he's thought his SIL is too sensitive/has overreacted? Maybe he's previously heard his SIL slagging people off after she's met them??

'He has told me before that when he goes out with his work mates and gets drunk he spends the next day worrying about whether he has said something out of turn or upset someone.'

I agree with other posters - it's all in his head, but if you are really worried you could ring the sil, perhaps privately when you are on your own, and see what she says, you will probably be able to hear in her voice whether she is genuinely surprised at the idea of you upsetting her, and then you will know for sure that the problem comes from your dps insecurities and it was nothing you said to her

Is there some back-story with the brother - some sibling rivalry thing or some event that has caused all this?

You sound like you have a normal sense of appropriate behaviour in social situations - you know what's acceptable polite conversation etc - while he's so massively insecure that he has no ability to understand what is and isn't OK.

I think you've hooked up with someone with problems.

From what you've said, nothing in that conversation is upsetting (can't know for sure ofc). Now it's just possible the SIL is volatile. But it sounds like there is a strong pattern of him being worried about people's opinions of him which means it's more likely that it's not the SIL. Now he's pushing that onto you. That's something you will have to nip in the bud very sharply or it'll happen over and over again and you'll end up walking on eggshells and doubting yourself.

It also implies that something, sometime has destroyed his own faith in himself if he's so very nervous. If that's right, then he's going to be difficult to live with.

You're going to have to be very strong here if you stay with him. Don't, whatever else, get drawn into doubting yourself unless there is reasonable outside evidence that you really have upset someone.