Have I been "gaslighted"

[Thirdtry22]

DP and I had a row last night. A close relative of mine has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and obviously I am very upset. I've been trying to put on a brave face.

Last night I was tired and upset as we went to bed and hoped he would comfort me. However he was busy messing around with his mobile phone for ages and eventually I became irritated and snapped at him that he was "like a teenager" with his phone. He reacted very aggressively, put his fist in my face, said I was being a drama queen and attention seeking?? He then told me to leave. I said it was late and could I stay till morning.

I've left now (it's his flat) taken all my stuff. This morning he was very dismissive, said I needed "help" and kept rolling his eyes? Is this what gaslighting means?

Whatever it is, he sounds like a dick and you are better off out of it.
You don't "need help" other than support making sure you stay away from this man.

No that is not gas lighting. Gaslighting is more like, you leave your keys in a certain place, you know you left them there but they are now not there because they have been deliberately moved to make you doubt yourself. So now although you know you left them there you are unsure and did you really?

What you experienced is just a nasty aggressive man.

Get away and stay away.

No, it just means you've had an argument and walked away.

gaslighting comes from a film where the wife kept saying "the light in here seems lower' and he'd pooh-pooh it. Actually he was going around lowering the gaslights and then denying he'd done anything.

She -knew- the lighting levels were lower but there was just enough doubt to stop her challenging him. He on the other hand was denying it all.

It's a very mean trick that makes someone doubt their own sanity. People who are playing headgames use it.

Thank you, I know I've done the right thing in leaving, but obviously it's a bit raw at the moment.

As I understand it, gaslighting is more of an ongoing effort to confuse and keep you on the back foot, rather than a one off event.

This man sounds like an arsehole. As Pumpkin says, you are better off away from him, I'm afraid.

There have been similar incidents before, he does'nt like it when I challenge him or speak my mind. I've told him in the past I'm not prepared to be a "stepford wife" and this also makes him angry. He always managed to turn any disagreement round to make it my fault. I've left because I refuse to become scared to speak or disagree with him.

You've done the right thing. Don't ever contact him again. Well done you for being brave enough to stand up for yourself.

Third try, I hope you don't go near this bloke again. He sounds horrible. It would only get worse.

I know I must stay away, it's hard when someone blames you, you start to believe it yourself. When he's in a good mood he can be so lovely, but then (usually when he's been drinking, but not always) he will suddenly fly into a rage if I say something he does'nt like. Half of me feels relieved that I've left, the other half devastated.

Please stay away from him. What you've described is very unhealthy in a relationship.

Thank you all so much for the support. I know I must stay away. He's not the type to "chase" so I won't have him tugging on my heartstrings. I feel like an idiot for letting him get away with this behaviour for so long.

This is a very controlling man, who's behaviour would only get worse. You have done so well not to get sucked in, walking away now is the only way to preserve yourself and that's what the relieved feeling is. It's still the end of a relationship, and so you will feel sad as he could be nice sometimes but stay strong, you have done the right thing! I feel relieved for you too!

Instead of feeling like an idiot, be proud of yourself for getting away.

Have you got lots of friends, family and interests to keep you busy?

Very sorry to hear about your relative.

Thanks Dragonfly, I will try to look to the future now. There are lots of posters on here in similar (or worse) situations than me. At least we didn't have dc's together to keep the link.

He reacted very aggressively, put his fist in my face

Err, am I the only one who thinks he threatened her with physical violence?

I admire your strength.

I think some people do find it hard to deal with others grief. It's never ok to carry on like he did. Ever.

This "fist in face behaviour" was common with him. Never actually hit me, just demonstrated that he really wanted to. Last week he did it and then hit the wall because I said I didn't want to go to the pub on my first Sunday off for months. Then when I challenged him he said "all you had to say was I don't want to go to the pub" which was what I had said?? God, it feels good to get it off my chest.

Don't feel bad for writing what was bothering you. Saying things aloud or writing them down helps to get things into perspective.

Thank you JeanSeberg, I have lots of friends and family, he just has "pub buddies". I'm so thankful for my friends and family. I think he will be the one who will come off worse in the long term.

If he often put a fist in your face then he was probably a hair's breadth away from hitting you, so you are better out of it. What a nasty, contemptible bastard.

Thirdtry, this is a classic pattern of abusive behaviour. Luckily I haven't experienced this myself but have seen it in friends' relationships and it only gets more difficult to leave as time goes on, because you become convinced that it really IS your fault and you're being unreasonable and he's only looking out for you, etc etc. Meanwhile all your friends are banging their heads against the wall trying to get you to leave him, but he's convinced you that they don't care as much as he does and they're being manipulative bitches who are just jealous of what you have together.

I agree with other posters - make a list of all his contemptible behaviour. Ask yourself what you would tell your friend, if she came to you with that list and said that her partner had been doing all of those things.

This site might be useful for you; hopefully it answers your original question - Men really need to stop calling women crazy

End all contact with this unpleasant individual. I can't think of any excuse for his behaviour or reason for you to stay.

I am glad you are away from him now, it sounds very much like he was working his way up to hitting you, with the hitting of the wall! It sounds like you have got out just in time!

Thanks peachgirl, I think that thread will be interesting for me to read. I know that one day soon I will be glad I got away. Trying to keep it together and take one day at a time. Feel so stupid to have been taken in by his "nice side". He tried so hard last night to say it was all my fault, but I've gone over it in my head and all I displayed was mild irritation, nothing that warranted the way he behaved towards me.

Just read that link peachgirl, and it jogged my memory that he also called me a "mad bitch" last night! Keep having flashbacks of his face screwed up in rage....oh god, it would have got worse as the years went by.