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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I been "gaslighted"

47 replies

Thirdtry22 · 14/09/2014 10:41

DP and I had a row last night. A close relative of mine has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and obviously I am very upset. I've been trying to put on a brave face.

Last night I was tired and upset as we went to bed and hoped he would comfort me. However he was busy messing around with his mobile phone for ages and eventually I became irritated and snapped at him that he was "like a teenager" with his phone. He reacted very aggressively, put his fist in my face, said I was being a drama queen and attention seeking?? He then told me to leave. I said it was late and could I stay till morning.

I've left now (it's his flat) taken all my stuff. This morning he was very dismissive, said I needed "help" and kept rolling his eyes? Is this what gaslighting means?

OP posts:

Cinnamon73 · 14/09/2014 14:04

I really think he would have put that fist in your face in the near future.

What a close shave.
Even though you think he is not a chaser, I think once he realises you have left for good, he will try to get you back.
Watch out for him begging and being the perfect partner. He probably thinks you will come crawling back.
Well done for standing up for yourself.

Original poster

Thirdtry22 · 14/09/2014 14:13

Thanks Cinnamon, I will be very surprised if he contacts me again. We've had quite a few breakups since we've been together, and it's always been me who's cracked first (apart from once, when he said he no longer loved me - never did get to the bottom of what that was all about .

I can't usually just cut him off, for my own peace of mind I have to talk it through, but this time I feel his behaviour was so vile that I don't want to. I was very scared last night, at the suddeness of the rage. I can't risk putting myself through that again.

OP posts:

Cinnamon73 · 14/09/2014 14:18

I suggest blocking his number, and any means of contact to him (FB etc) and just hope you never see him again.

You can do so much better! And you will.

Original poster

Thirdtry22 · 14/09/2014 14:23

Good idea, I've already deleted his number from my phone, if I can't find how to block it I will recognise it if he tries to contact me and not reply. I "unfriended" him on my facebook after the first "incident" we had, so he can't get to me that way. I don't think he will anyway so I think I'm safe. Don't move in the same social circles so not much chance of bumping into him either.

OP posts:

Lweji · 14/09/2014 14:24

You may have been the first to crack before, but it doesn't mean that he won't eventually contact you.

You were right to leave. For your sake, stay away from him and no contact.

DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 14:25

You have been threatened with violence, not sure if that's a crime, I think it may be. The fist in the face says it all.

Original poster

Thirdtry22 · 14/09/2014 14:43

Thanks again everyone. I'm taking one day at a time, and trying to keep the image of his face screwed up in anger fresh in my mind. This will stop me thinking about the good times and feeling weak. During the episode, he actually shouted about how good he treated me! He just didn't get that the aggression cancelled out all the good times!

OP posts:

peachgirl · 14/09/2014 14:50

"We've had quite a few breakups since we've been together, and it's always been me who's cracked first (apart from once, when he said he no longer loved me...)" - controlling behaviour, again! The consequences of not behaving 'the right way' - i.e. the way he wanted you to behave - is to withdraw and emotionally punish you, until eventually you're forced to apologise and come crawling back, which is exactly what he wants you to do. He can then use this against you/to undermine you in the future when you argue with his 'methods'.

I can't stress enough how much I agree with Cinnamon; again it was exactly what happened in my friend's relationship and why she kept going back. He never really changed - guys like this NEVER really change. As Daughter said, you have been threatened with violence. Yes, he was very careful not to actually touch you THIS time... but you know where this leads, don't you?

I'm very glad you took the time to read the link and I hope it's helping you to make sense of his behaviour. This is NOT right, and it's NOT normal and healthy. The good thing is that you've identified it's a problem and you're ending this relationship before it goes any further. Well done you, be proud of yourself!

peachgirl · 14/09/2014 15:02

"he actually shouted about how good he treated me" ?!

please also have a look at this link from Women's Aid - it's about domestic violence mostly but has a list of classic abusive behaviour patterns that I think you should have a look at.

Anyway, once again I want to reinforce what a good job you're doing with disconnecting. Refer to this thread any time you feel any doubt - you're doing the right thing.

JustDontWantToSay · 14/09/2014 15:42

Just to say - he will almost definitely contact you again. If he's an abuser (sounds like it!) he'll be using his behaviour towards you to feel good about himself - and that's addictive. He thinks he's in control at the moment because you've always gone back. He'll be expecting you to do the same this time.

I left a very emotionally abusive, controlling relationship about 2 months ago and it was bloody hard but I've come such a long way since then. It was definitely for the best.

Loopdaloo · 14/09/2014 19:53

Please leave. I'm you 4 years, a wedding and two dc down the line.

Zazzles007 · 14/09/2014 22:54

Gosh Third, I think you have dodged a bullet as well. I am saddened to hear that he has threatened you with physical violence much more than once. However, I am glad to see you are taking actions to remove this vile 'man' from your life.

Strength and courage to you, Third, you deserve so, so, so much better.

FoxgloveFairy · 14/09/2014 23:09

Hey third try. Not gaslighting, just straight forward aggression and prattery. You did a good thing to walk out, and I really hope you won't go back. You don't need this specimen.

Original poster

Thirdtry22 · 16/09/2014 13:51

Well this is day 2 and I'm doing quite well.... no tears, just feeling quite angry, but mostly with myself because I've let this happen. I'm laughing to myself as I imagine him sitting there waiting for me to turn up, so that's a good sign. Thanks again to everyone for the support.

OP posts:

knowler · 16/09/2014 13:59

Just wanted to say well done, you've been really strong. Try to let the anger go as it's expending energy on him still which you don't need to do anymore. Good luck :)

Lweji · 16/09/2014 14:01

Good for you. :)
How long do you usually last?
I'd expect something one or two days after that.

Keep strong.

Original poster

Thirdtry22 · 16/09/2014 14:04

Normally a week or two, but a few years ago it was almost 3 months. . I had a weak moment and that was it, he got in my head all over again.

OP posts:

Lweji · 16/09/2014 14:05

What made you have the weak moments?
Perhaps you should work on that.

Original poster

Thirdtry22 · 16/09/2014 14:16

I have weak moments when I feel down. I suppose I blame myself sometimes because I also have a temper (I'm never violent towards him but can be snappy when stressed). I tend to over think things and convince myself I somehow caused him to get angry. I also dwell on the good times, when he's been loving and kind. When he gets nasty I wonder if he just turns on the charm when he feels like it? The relationship has had good times obviously, and it's the good times I miss desperately.

OP posts:

Lweji · 16/09/2014 14:21

I hope this thread has put your mind at rest as to your perceived responsibility.

It is natural to miss the good times. But it's only those you are missing. The good feelings. Not him.
For example, I don't mind remembering my wedding, or showing DS photos with his dad. Those were good times. But I couldn't bear to be with that man again. Because I know how damaging it would be.

Hopefully you have reached the end of the road on this one. And if your thoughts ever stray again, you can keep a list of his worse points (or this thread) and come back to it. :)

DaughterDilemma · 16/09/2014 14:29

Getting angry is fine, normal and healthy.

Being nasty is not. It's damaging and is exactly what led to you being angry. What kind of things made you angry? I bet if you analyse it he did things like undermine you, obstruct, stonewall and distract?

Narcissistic men like to be the centre of things - if they feel you are becoming somehow equal in their world they do all of the above to ensure they remain there, in control, in the centre.

theendoftheendoftheend · 16/09/2014 14:41

Like loopdaloo said, don't go back. If you feel even the littlest bit tempted come on here and ask others who did go back to tell you their stories.
Getting out now will be one of the best things you ever do! Certainly don't try and talk it over (always my biggest downfall!) There's no point, he won't 'get it' and he will never ever change. Not for you, or for anyone else.

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