How to prevent getting into the friend zone??

[RebelRobin]

I have a date! Yee Hah! However, I want to know how to stop getting into the 'friend zone' or worse 'FWB'. Lots of my friends and daughters friends seem to be just 'seeing somone' not 'going out with them' I'm taking this to mean, sleeping with but not really having a relationship with. That seems a waste of time to me.

I'm a bit rusty with dating, and really want a proper relationship. Can anyone advise me about what to do or what not to do.

Are you online dating? If so, make it clear in your profile.

And be upfront about what you want when you meet someone new, and try & find out the same from them. I consider this due diligence now, having dated a couple of people who legged it at the first mention of feelings or commitment.

If you dont think your date wants the same type of relationship as you do, say 'thanks but no thanks' and move on.

Hi Diagonally - no not online dating, I dont hate myself that much! Ive been in contact with an old aquaintence and have just arranged to go out. Last time I had a boyfriend I think I made him feel so good and wanted, he wanted to practice on other women!!

I just dont want a casual affair...

Remember that the first date, or first few dates, are about seeing whether you like the other person enough to continue dating him/her. Banging on about your desire for commitment and dislike of 'timewasters' before you've finished your first drink/first course is hugely off-putting and makes you look desperate.

If you don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship, that's obviously up to you but (again) be wary of making a big deal of it and laying down a set of conditions. For one thing, someone who isn't very nice might well tell you a lot of fibs about being 'in love' with you purely in order to get you to drop your knickers, and then disappear. Listen to your instincts, observe the other person's behaviour - and if it doesn't work out, don't fret about it too much.

OK, said I have a date, but actually not got one yet...have been texting a lot...see what I mean about the Friend Zone?

Do I ask him out? Do I wait and continually text him? what is supposed to happen next?

Do only people who hate themselves do OD

If you want to see this person, then ask him to meet you (in a public place) for a coffee and some chat. You always should start out in 'the friend zone' and move on from there. What I mean is don't build up huge expectations and scenarios. Meet as 'friends' and see where it goes over time. If nothing else, you end up with a new friend. As far as FWB, if that's something you aren't interested in, then you'll need to hold off on sex until he has communicated to you that he considers you 'his girlfriend' & you have a real place in his life.

Its not OD, its through Facebook. He added me then started chatting/texting. I knew him vaguely about 15 years ago. We text every night and he says things like 'You'll have to come out with me', to which I say 'That would be really nice', but he never actually point blank asks me. Very frustrating as I work really hard and sometimes don't have time late at night to chat.
what would you do?

Thanks littledonkey i thought that comment was unnecessarily nasty. FYI I've done OD and i don't hate myself.

You are already in 'friendzone' if he wanted to ask you out he would have. He is keeping you interested so you can be his virtual GF at night time.

Ask him and see what he says. If he doesn't jump at the chance, you know your answer.

By the way OP 'friendzone' is usually a term used by arseholes to mean someone they know who is happy to socialise with them but doesn't want to have sex with them. I think you are talking about not wanting to have casual sex - which is your right, obviously - but in the case of this man, he's either so shy and laid back that you will have to make all the running, all the time (in which case, think about whether you really want that sort of relationship?) - or he is happy to flirt with you but not really interested in dating/having a relationship/actually having sex with you at all.

Are you sure he hasnt got a GF or married and he is just trying his luck?

To avoid being FWB, you will have to control yourself. Its best to get to know one another for a long time (months) before DTD. This means meeting his friends, going on proper dates, etc. Until you get the feeling he is proud to be in your company.

If he is bad in bed you can always dump him.

This sets a serious tone for the relationship.

If it was me, I'd point blank ask him to meet me for coffee the next time we were texting. Something along the lines of "I've really enjoyed our texting. Time to take it to the 'next level' LOL. Let's meet for coffee (insert time and place), ok?". If he turns you down, you'll know it's a dead end. It could be that he is already spoken for, it could be that he is insecure about his current physical appearance. I know I don't look like I did 15 years ago (but then again, who does?).

What do you have to lose? You'll either gain a friend 'with possibilities for the future' or you'll lose someone who is wasting your time. Time that could be used to find someone who IS willing to take a chance on romance!

arsenal quite surprised to read that from you, to be honest! A couple of months, really? Is that realistic? Would a man really hang around that long?

I didnt say only people who hate themselves do OD the OP did! I was pulling her up on her comment! I think it was awful of her to say that!

Get a grip you guys, I didnt mean to be derogatory about OLD. Have you lot read The Dating Thread? It's full of stories about the perils of online dating - and I just dont want to put myself through it again, yes again! I didnt mean it's only people who hate themselves that do it, I just dint like the constant 'OOO pick me, pick me' dance

Friendzone? Are you a teenage boy?

If you feel this man is playing you, ask him straight. If he doesn't come on a date with you, then move on. If he does then have a great time.

No one owes you or anyone else sex or a relationship!

Folk why wouldn't he?

arsenal just can't make it make sense in my head that's all. I was just brought up to think you needed to 'put' out early on or the man would lose interest/not see it as a proper relationship/be getting it elsewhere. And that a man who was willing to wait wasn't really interested/ddidn't fancy you.

Most men who are really into a woman will certainly wait a couple of months! Lots of people of both sexes prefer to get to know someone a bit (and let the sexual tension gradually rise) before going for full-on sex.

(Nothing wrong with people who go for it straight away either, of course!)

Folk you were brought up to think you had to put out to keep a man? As in that's what your parents taught you? Or that that's what you grew up hearing from your peers and the media. Because that's bullshit. If you want to have sex right away, cool. But waiting until you are sure someone really likes you is ok, too.

Any PERSON (male or female) who is sincerely interested in someone will wait until that person is ready to be intimate. That's the difference between a booty call and a relationship. If you're both ready right off the bat, that can mean a relationship, you don't have to wait to have sex if neither of you wants to wait. But if either party 'gives in' because he/she feels pressured, well, there's a name for that, too. Emotional blackmail.

Folk Any man who is into a woman will happily wait until she's ready.
A couple of months is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Like I've said before until you can feel he is proud to be around you, Until he introduces you to his friends.
Until he has crated space for you in his life.
Bar that you are selling yourself short.
If you find yourself second guessing his intentions, then most likely you are selling yourself short.
Obviously I'm not saying you have to wait, but it's better to wait than rush into dtd if you are looking for a serious relationship.

I think the only real rules about relationships are to be honest with yourself about what you want, don't play games with the other person or allow them to play with you, but remain reasonably guarded in emotional terms with the other party until you know them well enough to start to share. Whether you sleep with them early or late has nothing to do with anything, in my experience, if the other person is worth anything. If there's a good connection yes they will wait, and conversely nor will they judge if you want sex early.

The reasonably emotionally guarded part is because boundaries protect you, and people without are usually needy and/or controlling, I think. I wouldn't feel that positively about anyone who overshared or professed undying love early, either. Trust takes time, if it's genuine.

Why not ask him to meet for a coffee and see what happens? It's hard to guage tone online, and in person you can suss out intentions better. But don't be dismissive if he is solely interested in your friendship. That's still a valuable relationship to have - none of us can have too many good friends.

I don't think you understand what "friend zoning" is OP - it's not a problem, but you should be aware of it's meaning, as it comes across a little peculiar in this context.

"Friend zoning" is a term used by cretins who tend to follow the "pick up artist" code. The crux of it is that they "make friends" with women, and behave very nicely towards them, not because they have any interest in actually being friends, but because they believe (genuinely believe!) that if they are nice to a woman, and offer to do them small favours, then they are automatically owed sex by that woman. When the woman accepts their friendship, but rebuffs their (later) sexual advances, the man involved deems that she has unjustly "robbed" him of his right to have sex with her, and has maliciously put him in a "friend zone".

It's a very warped, and extremely bizarre view of the world, and not healthy.

If you are looking for a serious relationship, or just a relationship and want to see how it progresses, then take things slowly, but don't let yourself get strung along. If you want to go on a date with this person, just ask them on a date for god's sake. This is the 21st century - you shouldn't just be sat at home waiting for him to court you. Tell him you really enjoy your chats and would love to meet up for a coffee. If he says no, then forget about it.

If he says yes, then just see how you two click in person. If you get along, he should ask you out the next time, or you could invite him to a day showing at the cinema or something. The two rules I would say are:

1. Don't get into a situation where one person is doing all the running. If you have invited him out two or three times, and he has asked you out zero, then he isn't interested. Then just quietly fade from contact. Don't chase him around. He will just take from that, that he is in a position of power and can pick you up and drop you as he likes.

2. Don't invite him places, or go places early on, where it's an "evening event" - especially one with booze involved. It's basically just a lead in to sex. And if you aren't looking for a casual sex relationship then it's best to avoid until you have both seen each other a good number of times, and have an idea of whether he is interested in YOU or interested in anyone that is convenient for sex.

Oh, sorry for adding in, but if someone told me that they were "seeing someone" I wouldn't take that as a "casual sex" relationship. I would understand it as they are dating someone, and it's too early to know where it is going yet. If anything, I would assume that they aren't having sex yet, and are waiting for a first kiss, or they have kissed, but don't know if it's going to turn into a relationship yet.