I know I've done the right thing, but...

[MarriedAloneAndShit]

...Still alone.
Not my usual username. I'm in a pretty dark and low place at the moment, basically due to lack of affection and a non existent sex life with DW. No sex for two years now, and absolutely no sign of light at the end of the tunnel.
Nearly did something that I don't think I could have squared in my mind, morally, or with respect to marriage vows - I had booked a "date" with an escort, came close to actually going through with it, but then emailed to cancel. I know I've done the right thing, but right now I'm longing so much to feel the touch of a woman again, to not have my touch, my kisses or hugs pushed away, that not going ahead with this encounter is making me feel even more alone.
Just posting to vent really, see if it's cathartic perhaps.

Is your wife on Mumsnet?

Does your DW know you're in a 'dark and low place'? Rather than torturing yourself fantasising about escorts, wouldn't it be better to have an honest conversation about your feelings? Take it from there?

Venting is all well and good but its only short term and importantly does not address the underlying problems.

Think you did the right thing in cancelling the escort. It would not have made you feel better long term and your wife may well have found out so it was clearly not the solution.

Have you talked to your wife about this issue or has she completely clammed up?. Would she be willing to sit with you in a room with a counsellor?. If she has for instance completely refused to talk to you as to why this is, this is selfish behaviour on her part. Why has there been a lack of sex for the last 2 years; what exactly triggered this?. There are always reasons (note the plural) why be it physical or emotional.

If she refuses to talk or to go to counselling then I would go on my own.

Would you consider divorce if this could not be resolved?.

Do you have children, if so do you really want them to believe that this role model is their "norm"?. A loveless marriage is really no marriage at all.

I rather doubt it. If she is, I'm not aware (funnily enough, this account is the only online /Facebook /banking thing that she isn't aware of our have my log on details for).

Married i know how you feel Its a really shit place to be. I also think you did the right thing in cancelling the escort.

I think you would have felt worse afterwards had you gone through with it.

The thing is what is the ideal is to be intimate with someone who WANTS to be intimate with you. And that is where the problem is.

Sorry, my last post was a reply to Imperial.
We've talked about it. I know there are issues, but there seems little or no inclination (on her part) to address those issues.
Did have a thread on here a while back, got some good advice (and also some less than helpful comments), but I'm a few months further down the line, and still as lonely.

Definitely did right in cancelling the escort.

MN is great for posting stuff you can't/won't talk about in RL and that in it self is cathartic IMO. So stick with that if all other communication forms are cul-de-sacs.

No advice to offer other than that and to echo what others have said, I'm in a similar boat myself, have gone down the counselling route and explored other avenues. I've learnt a lot about myself over the past year, but one of the most difficult things is learning that you can't change people, and ultimately, if they're happy with the status quo there isn't much you can do to change them.

Might be an idea to give us a clue as to what routes uyou've tried? I.e. when you talk to your wife, how does it go?

Sorry x-posted.

I think I remember your old thread. I also think you were warned that, if someone doesn't want to change their behaviour, there's not really very much you can do beyond tolerating or rejecting. You've opted to tolerate it for reasons best known to yourself and it's clearly not working.

Are you still hoping there will be some miraculous change of heart?

Married i have a thread running at the moment. My h hasnt so much as held my hand since 1996 and has refused counselling. So he hasnt wanted to address things either.

I have to attend an appointment now but am marking place and will be back later.

Have you suggested counselling, or external mediation of some sort? I got a pretty negative response when I did, but could be worth a try?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why is there seemingly no inclination on her part to address the issues?. How have you tried to address the issues as a couple, through talking with a counsellor for instance?. Does she not realise that the whole future of your marriage is at stake or does she not really care?.

Perhaps you need to re-read your earlier thread and consider the helpful advice that was given to you back then. It may well have been advise that you were not ready to think about back then for whatever reason.

"What do you get out of this relationship now?"

Having been in similar situations (but not for as long) I think if the relationship is otherwise good, it feels a bit crappy to ditch someone because of sex alone.
Well, that was why I stayed with people when the sex petered out.

Atilla, the two years is completely without - or sex life was waning for a few years before that.
I know the reasons (or at least, she's told me some reasons) - less than easy labour of our daughter (now 7y/o), body issues, self esteem, low libido... The first I thought time would heal, the body issues, well, she knows I still find her attractive, and the self esteem? Well, having someone love, desire and support you should help.
Like I've said, I had a thread running and really appreciated some constructive stuff, but she's got to want to change it herself also.

"It may well have been advise that you were not ready to think about back then for whatever reason"

The advice given on MN is often painful to consider, let alone accept and act on, even if it is unnervingly accurate and truthful. It does take time.

Also, as irule says, it's perceived as a crappy reason by most people especially if there is marriage and/or DCs involved. I would disagree with this, but even on MN (that bastion of modernity and feminist philisophy!) there are some who think like this!

Cutting the chase you say 'she's got to want to change it herself also'... and she doesn't want to change. So what happens next? That's the real dilemma. You're way past how to improve someone's libido or body issues or self-esteem. She's happy enough with the status quo so this can only be about what you want out of life. Also the status quo where you're almost calling hookers or something else?

keepithidden - counselling is one route we've not been down. Don't know what her reaction will be to that, but it's something I can try perhaps.
What do I get out of the relationship now? Well, I love my wife, and I know she loves me - we've done wonderful things together, and for eachother. We just lack the intimacy, and that's what's killing me now.
Maybe I have to put that to her as a marriage breaker, but I've never been so confrontational as to be issuing ultimatums.

I would not issue an ultimatum because that is the sort of thing that can only be issued once otherwise it loses all its power. Also you would have to be fully prepared to act on it.

Counselling is something that certainly should be considered now by the two of you perhaps both separately and together. If she refuses counselling point blank then go on your own.

Its taken the two of you to get the marriage to the state it is now in and both of you will have to do some difficult and perhaps also painful work now. Both parties have to want to put things right and there is likely right and wrong on both sides.

OP have you name changed mid thread?

If you've arrived at the point where you are prepared to pay a human being to be allowed to masturbate into their unaroused body, I think it's time to end your marriage.

Try counselling, on your own if not together. It may not save your marriage, but it'll give valuable insights into why you, and others, behave the way they do. It may make separation easier too if your differences cannot be resolved.

It doesn't sound like you have very many alternative options.

Honestly life is waaaay to short for this.

You are entitled to feel love and intimacy within a marriage. You are entitled to desire your partner sexually in that marriage and you are not a bad person to want to feel all those things coming back at ya' from your wife.

You would be deemed as a bad person if you cheated on your wife and that split you up rather than you being brave enough to walk away. You will also be painted in a bad light.

You need to have the talk.

YouAreMyRain - oops. NC to start the thread, and posting on my 'phone, forgot to hit the alt username. My mistake.
Atilla, yes it takes two to have gotten where we are. I'm hoping it'll be two of us to get back a little of what we once had.

how did you get past that moral respect to make the appointment in the first place?

DuelingFanjo - I knew it was wrong. I felt like shit (in booking, and also my situation), and almost made a mistake I don't think I could live with. My hypocrisy only goes so far.