Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He says I'm always to blame for pretty much everything

54 replies

flux500 · 12/09/2014 11:21

It's my fault he feels he has to lie to me. He was late the other night and after I had uncovered his true whereabouts - from a receipt - he said he had to lie as he knew I would be "like this"

It's my fault he never has enough money. Last night he says he's planning on getting the new iphone so I asked him if he could afford It. He said he would find a way. I often have to subsidise his income in the final weeks before payday so this actually means i will have to afford it. I told him to see if he can afford it out if his expandable income after bills and he says I'm trying to control him.

It's my fault he gets angry because I don't talk to him in the right way. He may have a point in this but if I talk to him in a nice way about something important he doesn't take any notice of what's said so I do feel like I have to be very straight forward when I need to communicate something very important.

Does anyone else have any situations like this?

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 12/09/2014 12:04

No, I don't have a situation like this, because I would never put up with an arsehole who behaved like this.

FanjolinaJolie · 12/09/2014 12:04

This is a really odd relationship.

Sorry, I don't see a future for the two of you. He will make you miserable and you will resent and hate him.

maras2 · 12/09/2014 12:05

Sorry flux but which part of your relationship do you think is normal or even slightly ok? Do you know of anyone else who puts up with this nonsense? I don't.Please be good to yourself and find a way to go it alone.He's a very bad man.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2014 12:05

"how do we find ourselves here "

They're all nice when you meet them. If they weren't nice they wouldn't get a second date. How you find yourself where you are is that you make excuses and allowances. You hold onto the fantasy of the nice person you first met and you put the occasional bad behaviour down to it being 'a one-off' or 'a mood'. Then you start to think that you're responsible for the bad mood so you try a little harder, give them some money, back off talking about awkward subjects. The nice version of them reappears every so often and that makes it OK. One day you realise you've been conditioned to accept behaviour that is really shitty.

If any of this is accurate it's because it's a very well-worn pattern. Some call it emotional abuse, others psychological bullying. Either way it's nasty, it shatters your self-esteem and it's unacceptable.

Yes, you're being used but I would suspect it's in a lot of ways. Where he was the other night when he lied and you found the receipt, for example. I he wasn't tom-catting around I'll eat my hat.

maras2 · 12/09/2014 12:06

He's a very bad man < dam you auto correct >

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2014 12:07

"if I say no to giving him money he will just have a massive go that he can't get to work, or call his mum and beg money off her. "

Call his bluff. If he loses his job, that's his problem. If his mother is a soft touch, great. Find someone else to take your DCs to school and if you have DDs get shot of this arsehole before they grow up thinking that this is how women deserve to be treated.

pictish · 12/09/2014 12:07

Who is 'he'?
Is he your dc father? Your dh?
A boyfriend?

pictish · 12/09/2014 12:09

Not that it matters because he is clearly an arsehole whichever...just trying to establish the set up, that's all....and how easy it will or will not be, to extricate yourself from him.

IntheYear2525 · 12/09/2014 12:10

You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I found it extremely useful in dealing with my STBXH. Different issues to you but similar in that he had a strong tendency to blame others, mostly me.

BTW taking his own DC to school is being a parent, not helping you out (I know you knew that, but it's nice to have a little reinforcement).

specialsubject · 12/09/2014 12:11

yes, he's using you. For sex, childcare, housework.

normal relationships have respect, teamwork, conversation, FUN.

getting that? No? Get out.

IntheYear2525 · 12/09/2014 12:14

And don't let him read it. I gave my copy to my friend and her total arsehole H found it and would wake her up at 3am to tell her how she was being abusive to him! He would find a single sentence that, taken out of context, could be applied to her and that would be his 'proof' that she was the mad one not him. Hmm Never mind that depriving people of sleep is a recognised torture technique.

ouryve · 12/09/2014 12:14

I have a feeling I know this guy, OP :(

I ditched his sorry arse. After first making sure that I wouldn't be left in debt because of his spending. Yes, I stopped bailing him out and, of course, when the credit card bills I left on top of his keyboard for him, where he would have to touch them, never got paid, it was my fault.

And, when he sensed I was at the end of my rope with him, he'd tell elaborate stories about how there was nothing out there in the world for me.

Stop bailing him out. Tell him he can buy his sodding iPhone, by saving up for it first. And tell him to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
flux500 · 12/09/2014 12:15

Pictish he is the children's dad. I work full time and so can't take them to school. He feels like he does most if the childcare but it's not true. My parents help us after school every day.

Look sorry the more I think about I say to myself - no that can't be right. I can't be in abusive relationship... We have a great sex life, go on dates, holidays - I'm so confused..... Ultimately I know you're all right but I'm in a state of disbelief to be honest.

Thought you'd come back and suggest how I can change my behaviour to fix things....! Shock

OP posts:
ouryve · 12/09/2014 12:17

He says because he takes the girls to school each morning that he's helping me out and he should get something back

Words fail me.

He is taking his own children to school.

He is their parent as much as you are.

Arsehole. (him, not you)

gamerchick · 12/09/2014 12:19

But people are telling you. Stop bailing him out, let him go running to his mother or tell him to bike it into work.

The fact he's planning on an expensive piece of kit not knowing how he's going to pay for it says he's taking the piss put of you.

He's the kids dad he is not doing you a favour by taking them to school.

BravePotato · 12/09/2014 12:25

Your only fault is this:

It is your fault for accepting this as normal.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2014 12:29

"Thought you'd come back and suggest how I can change my behaviour to fix things....!"

You only think that because that's what he's telling you. It's very common.

I'm sure you do have a great relationship when it's all going his way and he's not challenged. But, from what you say, if you speak up 'the wrong way', or point out something he wants to hide (like the receipt), or expect him to manage his spending, you get a really bad experience. Bad enough that you go out of your way to placate him. Then its all going his way and he's fine.

I'm sorry if it's come as a shock to you - it often does. Please take away what people are saying here and observe his behaviour in a new light. See if there's a pattern and then you can judge whether we're accurate or not.

Timeforabiscuit · 12/09/2014 12:32

Doing you a massive favour?

What
the
actual
Fuck?

You are either a partnership or not, if he is going to start carving up responsibilities you are not in a partnership.

He sounds like a cock womble, or someone who feels stuck and dissatisfied - neither of which are your problems to fix.

IUsedToUseMyHands · 12/09/2014 12:33

The belief that you can change either his behaviour or yours to fix things is what is going to keep you stuck. Sometimes you will see improvements that suggest you're making some progress in getting through to him and he's starting to deal with his issues - but that's just part of the cycle that keeps you trapped. I used to feel really rewarded when I saw positive changes in ExH, particularly if others commented on them - I felt like I was nurturing him and helping him to grow. But it was all just part of the manipulation and abuse, he knew I was a sucker for that stuff so he just turned on the good behaviour to hoover me back in.

IntheYear2525 · 12/09/2014 12:33

You know in your heart that you would cope very well without him. If he told you tomorrow that he will not be taking the DC to school you can be sure that a) he will consider it to be YOUR problem and not his and b) that you WILL find a solution.

There are all sorts of work-arounds both in the short and long term, you could get an au pair, you could put them into breakfast club, you could drop them off at your parents on the way to work, you could find a pre-school childminder, you could pay a college-age student to come to the house before you leave for work and walk them to school.

And the crucial thing to consider is that all of the above work-arounds will be cheaper than constantly giving him money to fritter away.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 12/09/2014 12:40

He takes his own children to school and that means he's "helping you out"? Honestly, words fucking fail me!

And he's blackmailing you into letting him treat himself to luxuries at your expense. I'd let him run off to his Mummy for a sub. The money he extracts from you should be going into your escape-fund not on effing iPhones or whatever else he thinks he's entitled to when someone else has to pay for it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2014 12:45

Extracts from this article

Very Early Warning Sign #1: A Blamer
Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating. Their blame of others can make you look great by comparison:

"You're so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that bitch I used to go out with."

Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck. This disastrous assumption flies in the face of the Law of Blame.

The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person.

When you become the closest person to him, the blame will certainly turn on you.

Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.

Cabrinha · 12/09/2014 12:45

I'm on his side.
No wait - hear me out!
He says you have issues.
You DO.
He is so right.
You have an issue that some reason you accept shit like this.
He's doing you a favour taking his own kids to school?
For that attitude alone, I'd be out. I really mean that.

DuelingFanjo · 12/09/2014 13:02

"or call his mum and beg money off her."

let him do this.

magoria · 12/09/2014 13:04

So you fairly share the left over money. He spends all his on crap and then spends all yours on crap too.

You allow this otherwise he is a nasty pig to live with.

So he is a nasty selfish pig basically.

He has no incentive to change as he gets what he wants. You cannot change him you can only change your response.