I don't know what to do...

[Costanza]

I don't think this is going to make much sense, as I struggling to make sense of it myself, so apologies in advance!

Me and Dh often go through bad patches, but I feel as if I've had enough now.

It's a viscious circle. We argue. He's horrid. I take a while to 'come round' he gets frustrated, we argue, I take a while to come round, and on and on.

We're under a lot of pressure financially at the moment, arguing on and off. We haven't had sex much at all recently. This makes him worse.

I've had some health issues recently, a bit of a scare and it has put me off sex a bit. So I know I've been rubbish.

So these are the events leading to now, probably the easiest way to explain.

Last night he goes out straight from work. I text him to say I've not made dinner for him (not out of spite, just there wasn't enough and it wouldn't have kept well). I assumed he was eating out as he wasn't due back till 8. We have 3 DC so I have fed, bathed, homeworked, cleaned up and got them all in bed for when he comes in. I sit down with my book.

He comes in and is in a stop about dinner. I make a suggestion of what he could make. He asks me to do it, I say no. (I'm done for the day - he's had 4 hours of leisure time - I'm just getting started on mine). He goes out for a takeaway (we are skint).

He gets back. I'm still reading. He puts the tv on and starts watching videos on his phone. I take my book to bed - kiss him goodnight.

I wake up to: I'm going to a protistute if we don't have sex. He's said it before. I walk away and get on with organising the kids. I go onljne to check our accounts - waiting for money to come in - and see he has spent £70 (we really, really don't have this spare, he knows it). I quiz him and he launches into 'get a job then' 'you're fucking mental'. All in front of the DC.

He's gone to work. And it will go on into the vicious circle.

You do not have to play your part in continuing this vicious circle any longer. This cycle is also a continuous one.

Speak to Womens Aid also on 0808 2000 247.

Regardless of how old your children are, seeing all this at home is damaging them. You cannot fully protect them from them seeing their dad abusing you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. This model is no role model for your children to potentially emulate themselves in their own adult relationships is it?. They certainly will not thank you for staying within this if you chose to and could well despise you for doing so because you put him before them.

I would seek legal advice asap and find out where you stand legally and financially with a view to divorcing this man.

I just feel so tired of it all. It would all be so much better if he wasn't so volatile.

I don't have much support. My family would be horrified and wouldn't want to know about it at all.

OP - This is a horrible, horrible relationship. He is threatening you about seeing a prostitute because of lack of sex. That's ridiculous. If he was in a y way a decent partner he would sit down and actually discuss this with you, and make an effort to maintain affection, see how you are feeling after your health scare and actually try and reassure you. Not threaten you.

He expects you to jump up and cater to his every whim after he has been out on the lash. He then "punishes" you for not doing this by going out and wasting money because he is too fucking lazy to cook something for himself.

He treats you with utter disrespect in front of your children.

You already know this, but this is all absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

The question is why do you put up with it? What is it that is keeping you in this situation? Please don't say it's for the children, because you know that this situation is teaching them all the wrong messages about relationships.

1 of my children is his step-son. It's just so complicated

I know he can be better

I don't know where I would go.

I see it as two choices: leave and put DC1 through another seperation. The upheaval of moving. Everyone knowing. DH would make it unbearable. Not seeing my DC 50% of the time.

Stay and work it out, properly so the DC 's grow up with an intact family.

I agree with others that it sounds pretty nasty and stressful. I note you say 'financial pressures'. Does that mean you're in a lot of debt and paying out a big chunk of interest each month, or just that your income and outgoings are very tight? It's unlikely to make him a more pleasant person if the financial pressure is off, but it might give you a few more options.

"Not seeing my DC 50% of the time."

You really think a man so selfish that can't be arsed to make himself some toast, and would rather go out spending money you haven't got on himself than engage with the family would want to look after 3 DCs even 10% of the time?

He would have them 100% of the time - he absolutely dotes on them.

What would I say to Women's Aid?

"Does that mean you're in a lot of debt and paying out a big chunk of interest each month, or just that your income and outgoings are very tight? "

All of the above

Have you spoken to any of the free debt advice charities such as CAB? A lot of families are in a position of high debt at the moment - often through bad luck more than anything else - and they can end up paying out a lot servicing those debts and which leaves them short for essentials. The atmosphere in any home is going to be terrible when the money's short. If your husband is an unpleasant person anyway, it'll make everything worse.

Your DCs are not thriving living in an environment such as you describe. They will hear the arguments, see the upset and find it very stressful. If he really dotes on the children, why was he out drinking after work rather than rushing home to be with them? Why is he spending family money on takeaways that could be spent on groceries to feed them? Why is he openly insulting their mother... the person they love? Whatever reasons you have for tolerating this behaviour please don't make the mistake of thinking kids like growing up watching this going on around them.

We are on a debt plan Cog. DH is close to being bankrupt thanks to a failed business partnership.

He wasn't out drinking. He's tee total.

You tell WA what you have written here; they can and will help you leave him.

Re your comment:-
"I know he can be better "

It is a cliché; such men do not change and you cannot afford to waste any more time or years hoping he will somehow have an epiphany because he will not. This is also no healthy environment for your children to be witness to either. They are and will be affected markedly by what they are seeing at home.

You say that he absolutely dotes on them - where's the evidence for that piece of writing?. You are contradicting yourself. This man has no real interest at all in his children; he just cares about getting his own needs met. The 50% figure you quote is only based on supposition and not fact; I doubt very much that this man would make more than a token effort to see his children post any split anyway. So what if your family are horrified - they do not have to live with this man day to day so their opinion is irrelevant. You cannot go through life worrying about what your relatives would think.

Re this comment:-

"Stay and work it out, properly so the DC 's grow up with an intact family".

It takes two to work out relationship problems and this man is not interested. Its already smashed beyond repair now by his actions towards you. You actually think he would be at all interested in working it out?. No, not in a month of Sundays. He actively enjoys the power and control he has over you; I imagine he did the self same to his first wife as well.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. No obstacle is insurmountable to leaving. The only level of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE.

Fair enough... not drinking. Going through your objections

1. leave and put DC1 through another seperation. If you've had one failed relationship it's understandable that you want to make this one work. However, you also know that there is life after divorce.
2. The upheaval of moving. This can be a positive step, making a fresh start.
3. Everyone knowing. If that means you're currently keeping all of this secret out of what? loyalty? shame? embarrassment? fear? then please start to confide in others. There is nothing so isolating as feeling trapped and alone with a serious relationship problem.
4. DH would make it unbearable. Aside from him being pretty unpleasant already what specifically makes you say that? Has he made threats?
5. Not seeing my DC 50% of the time. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

He has made threats before.

It's shame. I don't really have any friends and I'm not at all close with my parents. They would probably disown me if I ended another relationship. I'm already pegged as '3 kids 2 dads' and I worry about the impact for my DC at school. I already feel that my eldest is ostracised.

I feel sick

Just for the moment I'm not ready to seperate. What could be my first step to try and work it out? An ultimatum? Counselling?

Counselling for you first.
Talk to WA anyway.

You're not ready to end it, that's fine, maybe it is savable, but remember that a relationship can only work if you both want it to, and it can only be saved if you both want to. That means him too. That means he will have to take some responsibility for the state it is in now, recognise that things need to change, and make changes himself too. Not just you.

You can't save it on your own.

Neither an ultimatum or counselling (particularly that suggestion) will be at all beneficial.

An ultimatum only works if you are fully prepared to carry it out to the letter and you do not seem at all emotionally strong enough to do that currently.

You also cannot save a failing relationship on your own. He has to want to do his bit and he is clearly not interested.

This man is not above the law and any further threats by him should be reported to the police. Threatening you is another ploy in the abusers arsenal to keep you in the hole he has dug for you.

No decent counsellor would want to see the two of you together anyway due to his ongoing abuse of you and it is never recommended where there is abuse. Joint counselling is therefore a non starter. Counselling solely for yourself alone may well help you see more clearly through the fog.

Your parents frankly sound awful and do not deserve to have you as their daughter. If Society has pegged you as the "3 kids 2 dads" that says far more about Society than it ever would about you. I doubt also that your child is at all ostracised because of this; there are many children who have divorced parents these days.

You did not plan life to be this way but you do not have to compound the errors made by staying within this. All these children regardless deserve to live in a home where no parent is abused by the other as is happening now.

The man you're describing is a bully. You can't negotiate with a bully because they believe they are always right. Only give them an ultimatum if you are 100% prepared to carry it through - otherwise you've no credibility. You can't appeal to their better nature because they don't have one and you can't ask them to understand how you feel because, frankly, they don't care how you feel. Joint counselling is not recommended therefore.

I think the only options with bullies are either to be very assertive and stand up to them or to reject them out of hand.

Whoever it is pegs you as '3 DCs, two Dads' is just being judgemental and unkind. Ignore such people. If your DC is being ostracised at school, demand the school takes action. If you've lost touch with family, please reconnect. If you have few friends, ditto. Has his behaviour isolated you from friends/family do you think?

Attila - thank you for that post. got something in my eye

Cog - no, it's always been this way with my family.

I think I could stand by an ultimatum. I would know then that if he couldn't buck up, there would be no point continuing. I'm too tired to have a life time of walking on egg shells.

I do agree with both Attila and Cog. When I said "counselling for you" I meant for you alone. This so you have some rl support, and to raise your self-esteem. On no account go to joint counselling!

WA will also give you rl support.

I doubt that your child is being isolated at school because of the 3 kids 2 fathers" thing - it's far too normal! Have a word with the school, teacher or head, and find out what's going on there.