I don't know what to do...

[Costanza]

I don't think this is going to make much sense, as I struggling to make sense of it myself, so apologies in advance!

Me and Dh often go through bad patches, but I feel as if I've had enough now.

It's a viscious circle. We argue. He's horrid. I take a while to 'come round' he gets frustrated, we argue, I take a while to come round, and on and on.

We're under a lot of pressure financially at the moment, arguing on and off. We haven't had sex much at all recently. This makes him worse.

I've had some health issues recently, a bit of a scare and it has put me off sex a bit. So I know I've been rubbish.

So these are the events leading to now, probably the easiest way to explain.

Last night he goes out straight from work. I text him to say I've not made dinner for him (not out of spite, just there wasn't enough and it wouldn't have kept well). I assumed he was eating out as he wasn't due back till 8. We have 3 DC so I have fed, bathed, homeworked, cleaned up and got them all in bed for when he comes in. I sit down with my book.

He comes in and is in a stop about dinner. I make a suggestion of what he could make. He asks me to do it, I say no. (I'm done for the day - he's had 4 hours of leisure time - I'm just getting started on mine). He goes out for a takeaway (we are skint).

He gets back. I'm still reading. He puts the tv on and starts watching videos on his phone. I take my book to bed - kiss him goodnight.

I wake up to: I'm going to a protistute if we don't have sex. He's said it before. I walk away and get on with organising the kids. I go onljne to check our accounts - waiting for money to come in - and see he has spent £70 (we really, really don't have this spare, he knows it). I quiz him and he launches into 'get a job then' 'you're fucking mental'. All in front of the DC.

He's gone to work. And it will go on into the vicious circle.

I know you want to change how things are, that you want to stay together and for him to 'improve'... you want it to work, you know it can work... been there - done that, the t-shirt is now in the dirty duster bag.

You clearly aren't ready to leave and that's OK. It's not great for the kids, but no worse than you leaving and wishing you hadn't and to-ing and fro-ing.

So, you need to think about several things

• Money. Your financial situation is causing you both a lot of stress. What can be done to change that? Can you save money anywhere (loads of good threads to help you with that!), can you get a job even if it's some evenings and one day in the weekend when childcare is already sorted as DH will of course be happy to be home in time for the children. Are you getting any assistance you are entitled to? You and DH need to talk properly about money - why is he spending money you simply cannot afford? Does he think things are so bad that a takeaway or whatever is insignificant while you think every penny counts - you need to talk to get on the same page with this.

• Your 'scare'. How was DH when this happened? Do you need to speak to someone who can help you come to terms with it and how it is affecting your sex life? Not 'for DH' for but you both as a couple and of course, simply for YOU.

• Sex - is it just the 'scare' or is it DH's attitude? If it's his attitude you need to be able to explain to him what is causing your reluctance to be intimate with him.

If you feel you have to try to make this work to feel like you have 'tried everything' then I can understand that, BUT you have to promise yourself that this Is It. That you will put everything into working out what needs to change and talking to DH. You can't change him, you can't make it work on your own - but you can have one last ditch attempt at making him see how close to walking away you are and what you as a couple can do to sort it out.

He's home from work early. Acting like nothing has happened

How about you? How are you this afternoon?

Feel numb. Head down, getting on with stuff. And so the circle continues.

I'm just keeping the DC busy and keeping out of his way.

I wish he wasn't here.

Sweetheart, something's going to have to change. It doesn't sound as though you can take much more of this.

For the moment I just want to get through the weekend. Going to take the kids out early tomorrow and stay out for tge day. Not nice for them to be around an atmosphere, so I'm going to try and keep it to a minimum.

Sounds like a good start. It sounds as though you need space.

I definately do - he never understands this after an arguement. He gets iver it fast, is apologetic and remorseful for 5 mins and then gets frustrated that I'm still cold. Then he wonders why I'm not up for hopping into bed with him, and that leads to more arguements.

So tired of it all.

I've just read some of your earlier posts again. What happens when he wants sex?

What did he spend the £70 on ?

Food. Hobby.

What do you mean Viv?

Heh, it was a bit vague and could have led to all sorts of answers. I mean, if he wants sex, do you always want sex too? Is there times you don't? Then what?

Most times I don't want it TBH. He'll get stroppy. How long it's been will depend on how stroppy.

That in itself is not ok, but I suppose I was wondering if you ever end up having sex to avoid the strop. Sorry for asking such a personal question.

I have Vivacia. Particularly if we have plans for the weekend - just to make it easier

When you have sex to avoid the strop, does he know you don't want it? If he knows, does he behave differently, or does he just carry on blithely as if you were a willing participant?

He complains that I just lie there and thinks I have a problem with sex. I don't know whether he's right

Oh Costanza this was what I was worried about. You absolutely don't have a problem with sex. No respecting, loving person would want to have sex with a partner not positively consenting.

I don't know what came first though. Me not wanting it. Or me not wanting it cause he's arsey. Him being arsey or him being arsey because he's sexually frustrated

That probably doesn't make sense

I don't know what came first though. Me not wanting it. Or me not wanting it cause he's arsey.

It doesn't matter which came first (although I know what does and doesn't get me in the mood). What matters is that you didn't want it.

Exactly what Vivacia says, Costanza. The first time he knew you weren't fully consenting, were lying there "thinking of England", if he had stopped and said something like "you're not into this are you?", then you would have felt differently the next time. If he had listened to your reasons, you would feel differently. If he had then done something to show he had listened and taken it seriously, you would feel differently.

But he didn't. He just carried on, as if he were entitled to. I'll repeat that: as if he were entitled to. Entitled to use you for his gratification, regardless of how you are feeling.

So, having looked after 3 children, fed them, fed yourself, and finally sat down to rest, why does he think that you can just hop up again and run around for him? Would that be because he thinks he's entitled to it? Is he thinking that your role includes being his skivvy?

The reason you take longer to get over an argument is because nothing is being resolved. It is all getting brushed under the carpet. It suits him as he can do and say whatever he feels like, but what you need is different. You want these issues talked through, worked out, resolved.

That's why I think counselling for you alone could help. i think you need to talk about how things are, ow you are, the state of your marriage. Get it clear in your head, and what you need and want. Get a bit of strength from the rl support you get from the counsellor, and some techniques to help you have that long overdue talk with dh.

Then you can tackle him. If you still want to.