In-law Xmas traumas - help!

[Moorhen]

Been with dh 5 years, married 11 months, blissfully happy - we're TTC our first.

We've spent xmas with my family every year since we got together, but this year he asked - and I agreed it was only fair - to drive 200 miles Oop North to spend it with his huge family.

As I say, only fair - but my heart's breaking at thought of first Xmas away from my own very close family, and although I like his family dh always forgets that I don't know them that well and goes off to catch up with some of them, leaving me to talk to the ones he's not so keen to catch up on. ESPECIALLY his mother, who witters constantly and has never allowed me a word in edgeways or asked me one question. In fact, I don't think any of his family know where I work, or anything about my family, or anything - and they do not ever ask.

We've talked about this before (is about the only thing we row about) but without significant progress.

And last night he said he'd like to alternate years with mine and them, although concedes xmas with my lot far more fun and he always gets irate with his family and moans all the way home. I want to cry.

So, considering he is in every other way perfect, do I shut up and put up? Or say something? I don't want to be unfair, but feel so unhappy - and there's no polite way of saying YOUR MOTHER BORES ME TO DEATH...

You have to go I'm afraid, imo. And you must NEVER say anything bad about his mother (unless she's doing something dangerous wrt your child). It is only fair, he might feel the same about your family tbh, it took me many years to see that my partners might not like my parents and siblings as much as I did. I speak as someone whose PIL are here at the moment.

here's how i see it.

you have spent 5 years with your own family, its onl fair you go visit his. you don't know his family that well because your always going to your own family...take this as an oppertunity to actually GET to know his side.

your TTC so it will be better for your children to know both sides of the family.

and just think, when you have your own child you can enjoy christmas at your own home as your own family! or maybe invite both your s AND his to your house.....that'll put em off xmas for years! lol

btw, we always have Christmas at home, me, dh, ds and dd. We go to see our families but have main Christmas at home, it's great and avoids this kind of argument.

agree with the others I'm afraid, it's a necessary evil! We all have to do it, so at least you are not alone! Have you thought about combining both families? Now that would be fun? I have managed to avoid it so far!!!

We always got o DHs family and someytimes on boxing day to my aunt and uncles as I don;t see my family - when I read things like this I am shocked at the selfishness people display (please don't take that the wrong way) you are part of a partnership and have to give and take and families are part of that, even if they are not your cup of tea they are his family - plus it must be nice to have both sets of parents to be able to choose from.

Just tell him that you do not like being left ith people and if he is going to see someone else he must, upon pain of death include you.

Agree, as tough as it is, I think it is only reasonable you go. Christmas will only get more hard to navigate diplomatically when you have kids.
Be careful setting up routines of alternate years - it can lead to so many hurt feelings if you need to switch it round for any reason, or just want a year off and be at home - which is likely when you have young children.
Try to plan something pleasant for New Year as something to lok forard to. Alternatively, how about travelling up well before Christmas, have a couple of days before and Christmas day there, drive back early Boxing Day to spend that day with your folks?
I used to have breakfast at ours, lunch an hour away at mums and dinner at pils 5 hours drive. It was crazy as we spent much of the day in the car. Now with kids, would not dream of doing it. We have a private Eve and Xmas morn t ourselves and then fit in round the rest of them.
I love catering and being in my own home so try to mainuplate it that people come to us rather than travel. As a control freak and fussy cook, like to do my own thing.

Suffer in silence now and when you have your own LO you have the perfect excuse to stay at home.

If you spend Xmas with one family, you must be prepared to spend it with the other, imo. At least this will give you a chance to get to know your in laws better. Perhaps your MIL only witters away because she doesn't know you well enough to have more meaningful conversations.
The other alternative is to spend Xmas day together on your own, then do Boxing Day etc. with the families. This is quite a lot of work, though.

i think my frien has got it right: They have told all of their family that on Xmas day they will be at their own home, with the children, and if anyone would like to visit then they are more than welcome.
We have always been fortunte that DH's family live in the States so never been an issue. But they have decided to move back here in the next year, so will have this to come...

Sorry Moorhen, you've got to share the Christmas visits. It grates on me too, but that's how it goes. Try not to say 'YOUR MOTHER BORES ME TO DEATH' or worse get tiddly on sherry and say it to her- even though you're thinking it like mad!

Sorry but I think once you have a baby it gets worse. Everyone wants to see the grandchild on Christmas day. They either all descend on you (OMG) or you write to Dr Who asking if he wants to sell his time machine so you can be in two places at once.

We have this dilemma every year. I'm thinking of having them all here this yearotherwise we spend Christmas on the move and three children get harder and harder to pack up and move on to the next venue.

Great isn't it?

Christmas can be bloody awful

Agree with others, once you have kids the Issue with Christmas will have to be sorted out. So clarify your choices. Either travel turn about or have Christmas at yours and invite a family turn about.

If you're not too bothered about family relations, bugger off somewhere and don't invite them.

Sorry think it is a necessary evil. I prefer to avoid it too but with divorced parents and SIL absenting herself for 2nd year running it is going to be hard to get out of it every once in a while. Just think this time next year you may have a lo to consider and you don't want to be put under pressure to spend his/her first christmas at PIL's when you'd probably prefer to stay at home alone. Get it over and done with this year !

Isn't Christmas about doing something for other people? I also think you have to be a bit more postiive about your future child's grandparents if you are't going to give yourself a nervous breakdown.

Moorhen - plan a wonderful New Year - doing something / with people that just you and DH want to do - at NY you should be completely selfish and it is always something to look forward to. It will make Xmas easier. We get a cottage with friends and do NOTHING for best part of a week. It's the only time in the year really where we can do this and it saves our sanity

at the end of the day, its his mum and dad. if you had a son who married and every year went to in laws i am sure you would hate it.....i know i will when mine gets married, in many many many years to come! you could always spread it out more by doing one year just you and dh at home, another with your mum and dad and another with his. OR...........you could get yours and his together and do it all on your on turf!

Every year since we have been married,my Dh has spent christmas with his family without me,I'm not invited.When we had ds he also went with dh to his family at christmas,I am left on my own.Its awful.Please just grin and bear it,have 2 christmas's if necessary .Maybe as you all get to know each other it will become easier.
Good luck

Bloody hell Octavia, how on earth can they be so rude and hurtful ?

And worse, far worse, what the heck does your DH think he's doing condoning such nasty contempt (you are his wife FFS) by going along to see them. If their behaviour is never challenged, it'll never change.

No way would any of my children be going with my DP if that were me.

I reckon that you have to go this year, and on the proviso that your DH doesn't dump you at home with his mum ( why don't you just go with him to the pub or to catch up with people? more fun I suspect) you might really enjoy yourself.

Octavia, honey, that is so unfair....but what is your husband thinking of?

He does it for a quiet life and tbh as much as I hate the situation and it never gets easier,he knows I will love him regardless,his family,however will not.He is a good,kind and loving man but he will not put me before his family.

I'm really sorry to hear that Octavia. IMO when you get married your spouse and children, if push comes to shove, come before the rest of your blood family.

How does he reconcile you sitting there on your own, without him and without your child, while he's socialising with people who apparently "hate" you ?

Why do you never get invited ?

Go this year, and maybe in years to come you can persuade him to spend xmas with your family and NY with his? Agree that you shouldn't get into too rigid a pattern if you can avoid it, as it would create resentment if you wanted to do something different one year like go on holiday for xmas. Soon you'll have someone that wants to be with you all the time- at least till he/she is a teenager!

because when we met I was working as a nurse and of course had to do shift work.The first christmas (before we were married) they asked me to come for dinner,my shift didn't finish until 3pm the earliest I could get to their house was 4pm.They always ate christmas dinner at 2pm and couldn't possibly change it so If i couldn't be bothered then don't come !
Moorhen talk to your dh and be honest about your feelings,would it be possible for them to come to you sometimes,I often think it's easier on your own territory so to speak.

I always start to feel uneasy just before Xmas because we spend it just the 3 of us, me, dh & son. His mum's 400 miles away, mine's 250 miles away and I can't bear the idea of having all three of them under the same roof, it just wouldn't work. Instead we spend 4 days out of our precious xmas holidays on the M6, traipsing up to see people just to keep them happy. On Xmas day itself, to be honest, we always enjoy it but when I see the adverts on telly with 101 rellies around a christmas lunch, I can't help feeling all wistful. Somebody shake me.

Bloody hell Octavia, I would be really pissed off.