In-law Xmas traumas - help!

[Moorhen]

Been with dh 5 years, married 11 months, blissfully happy - we're TTC our first.

We've spent xmas with my family every year since we got together, but this year he asked - and I agreed it was only fair - to drive 200 miles Oop North to spend it with his huge family.

As I say, only fair - but my heart's breaking at thought of first Xmas away from my own very close family, and although I like his family dh always forgets that I don't know them that well and goes off to catch up with some of them, leaving me to talk to the ones he's not so keen to catch up on. ESPECIALLY his mother, who witters constantly and has never allowed me a word in edgeways or asked me one question. In fact, I don't think any of his family know where I work, or anything about my family, or anything - and they do not ever ask.

We've talked about this before (is about the only thing we row about) but without significant progress.

And last night he said he'd like to alternate years with mine and them, although concedes xmas with my lot far more fun and he always gets irate with his family and moans all the way home. I want to cry.

So, considering he is in every other way perfect, do I shut up and put up? Or say something? I don't want to be unfair, but feel so unhappy - and there's no polite way of saying YOUR MOTHER BORES ME TO DEATH...

put up with it. It's only fair to alternate

and when you've got kids it will matter that both families get to spend time with them and vice versa, especially at Christmas.

Octavia.

I don't think I could put up with my dp doing that .

Otoh your dp's family sound like a bunch of mentalists if they can't understand how shifts work.

It's only fair to go to his family as often as you go to your family.

But I'll pass on about the only piece of advice about married life that my mother ever gave me -- share out your time roughly equally between the two families, but DON'T get into a rigid routine of alternating, or of "One Christmas here, the next Christmas there, the next on our own." If you do that then when you want to do something different in ten years time you'll cause a major incident with the family whose "turn" it is. Split your time roughly evenly between the two families, but not in strict rotation.

Am at octavia's DH and ILs. Even if I were prepared to put up with letting my DH do that, there's no way I'd let my DS go too.

If he is in all otherways perfect, I would shut up and put up because

a) if you don't put pressure on him then he may well come to his own conclusion that it is something he would rather avoid in future and

b) imagine when you manage to conceive your first born if you had to face never seeing them at Christmas when they grow up.

Hoping it's not as bad as you expect (my in-laws don't ask much about me either - esp since the children have arrived)

Crayon

lemonaid, it is not ideal, but we are planning a fixed alternation so that my sister and her family will see our parents when we are at dp's mum's (and obviously she will see her ILs when dp, ds and I are at my parents').

I don't want my parents to be left alone, and can't see how to do that without having a predictable pattern.

It helps that I'm one of four, I guess, so that the chances of my parents ever being on their own are slim.

yeah, I was going to say, it's only because there are just two of us.

Wow, just come back from a day out and I've never had so many messages in response to a thread of mine!
Thanks everyone for taking the time to add your thoughts, some good advice in there (and a few reminders, not that they were needed, that my situation relatively trivial).
Just to clarify a bit - there's no way I'd refuse to go, just feeling sad about it and wondering if there are ways to handle being there better.
Also, dh has six brothers and sisters who have already produced twice that many grandchildren, and there is no way all of them would or could troop 200 miles to stay in our two bedroom flat!
So if we want to see them, we go.
Most of my in-laws are great (and considering there's loads of them, that's lucky), and they ALL complain about their mother wittering on, it's just that as new DIL I'm on my best behaviour and can't say anything or escape easily . SO what I need is a delicate way to hint to dh that it might be nice to check in on me occasionally...

I'm guessing that if your ILs feel the same way about your MIL, she will be aware of it. So lots of potential brownie points if you can put up with her for a bit now and again .

Apart from that, I would try and mingle among them. You're related to them now and hopefully will be for the rest of your life, so better to get to know them than hang around with your dp while you're there. It will be tough, but worth it in the long run...

at Octavia! I had a boyfriend like that and he utterly refused to come to my parents and I wouldn't go to his as his mum was a crap cook ( - obviously the relationship didn't last)

Moorhen - this will have to change as you have children anyway. I used to love going to my parents for Xmas dinner but now we have the DSs I can't get pissed and fall asleep on the spfa anymore so Christmases are definitely different for me! I think it's just part and parcel of getting married and having a family. I always take my newspaper and/or sewing or something to do when I go to the ILs to relieve the boredom

Just joined up. I have lots of sympathy for Moorhen and Octavia but good to see so many supportive messages. Good luck ladies. May I share a dilemma? First baby due 10/01/07. DH and I both only children. FIL died 5 years ago. MIL about 2 hrs drive away. My parents divorced and each lives alone. We usually have all over for lunch, I cook and MIL stays several days. Last year DH suggested we eat out to give me a rest but it was a bit of a disaster as mum decided to walk out early (she has long term metal illness and was nervy being out) and I burst into tears in restaurant! This year would love to have a quiet time just DH and me. Don't mind going visiting but would like to come back to an empty house. MIL an easy guest but still feel I have to look after, cook for and feed her. Feel realy selfish for saying this. Any suggestions?

I think you do have to go Moorhen. We do alternate Xmas. My DH is Indian and his family don't even celebrate Xmas so I always feel a bit fed up and miserable. I have said alternate Diwali's even though my family don't celebrate Diwali. That has made them think

love2dance, I would tell your families that as the baby is due so close to Christmas (and may come early!) you don't want to have the commitment of having guests over Christmas (you probably won't have the energy to be the hostess with the mostest!) Could you all have dinner at one of your mothers' houses and then go home afterwards?

Thanks KTeepee. MIL also has coping issues about having people round (bipolar - what a happy family we sound!) but will definitely look to do some sort of a visit and come home alone!

Thanks KTeepee. MIL also has coping issues about having people round (bipolar - what a happy family we sound!) but will definitely look to do some sort of a visit and come home alone!