Should I cut my brother off?

[brotherissues]

My little brother has always been a bit of a problem.

I feel today like I might cut him off and just wanted a perspective if it is just me over-reacting.

He lives abroad and doesn't get on that well with most people in the family. He argues a fair bit. He was pretty ill for a long time with panic attacks, and over that time I spent considerable time and money on the phone with him and have always been a really loving sister. I also often smooth over fights between him and Dad and my other brothers and sisters because he gets into them a lot.

I won't list every incident with him, but just in the past year.

1. At breakfast after a family wedding, he screamed REALLY loudly at me and my DS (who is only 8 and has autism) because apparently my DS called him a "chump" (he heard it on TV). He really made a scene, like leaving the table and stuff and my DS was really upset and confused because he didn't know he was being rude.

1. DH left me really unexpectedly and I was devastated and not once has my brother called to see if I was okay or how we were doing even though it happened 9 month ago now.

1. A few months after DH left it was Mum's birthday, which I organise every year. This year my sister did it, because I have had depression after DH left me and because DH left me I had no money to contribute (am on benefits) and my brother sent an email to all my brothers and sisters, Dad and some other extended family that basically said it was terrible that I had not helped plan Mum's birthday or paid towards it -totally humiliated me.

Today was the final straw. Dad was rushed to hospital in the night and Mum has been texting all day with updates. I sent an email to brothers and sisters and Mum to say I had googled his condition and what the best things to do were etc.

Turns out Mum had not texted my brother so he didn't know Dad was in hospital. He replied to my email, again copying EVERYONE calling me "monumentally dumb" for sending that email without checking first.

I replied saying I didn't KNOW he hadn't known (Mum usually texts us all) and told him to shove his arrogant email up his arse.

I then got this response:

"Your email breaking the news to us about dad’s situation, with no knowledge of the fact there was even anything the slightest thing wrong with him was downright dumb. I don’t want your FUCKING opinion. I want unemotional facts."

is it me, or is this totally abnormal?

We are in our late 30s, not 18

No need to cut him off really, is there? Just have less to do with him. You'll see him at family events etc but other than that there's no need to contact him at all.

I meant by completely stopping talking to him

I really wanted to know if anyone else felt that behavior was off the wall unacceptable or if it's just me over-reacting. Not sure how anyone else's brothers behave.

Yanbu... he is abysmal!

I'd be backing well away from him. if he's not prepared to take reasonable circumstances into account like you dind't KNOW he didnt know, then frankly he's not worth dealing with.

Btw I have a similar situation with a half sister going frankly crazy at me over stuff that I couldn't have known. After 6 months of emails that weren't far dissimilar to the one you posted, I closed down contact.

family is family, but if they can't be courteous or can't show any willingness to meet halfway then well, life is a lot lot better when you aren't someone's whipping boy.

I'm sorry about your Dad.
I'd focus on that for now as it sounds like an emotional time for everyone.

Your brother has acted badly but to be fair to him he has just learnt that his father was in hospital. For now I'd just stop communicating to him via email groups etc. Don't make a big drama out of the decision, but just let it be and see how you feel.

Okay thanks. I feel really shaken up, and chest is thumping away. I never fight with anyone and he was vile to me and am feeling really low at the moment anyway. Worst year of my life. I didn't knowingly do anything wrong!

He is a twat. Cutting him off seems sensible

My brother used to speak to me like shit as well...was always calling me stupid and being rude and slightly aggressive in his manner towards me...just like yours.
After I told him exactly what I thought of his treatment of me, I just stopped talking to him, contacting him, paying the slightest bit of heed to him at all.

Some people have this weird idea that it's ok to treat siblings badly. I disagree. I had never echoed back his horrible behaviour and I certainly didn't deserve what I got. He'd been like that my whole life.

It blew over eventually, but he has behaved himself ever since. He knows I'll just dismiss him again if he doesn't. Don't need him, don't want his shit, not arsed.

He sounds like my mil who is a classic narcissist ... You won't win , they always win, we have stepped right back and ignored her . She hasn't taken it well.. Idiot !!

He has been like this my whole life. I remember when I had DS he visited me and I remember him saying he was really disappointed I'd turned out to be a fat single Mother.

I don't argue with anyone else, hate not getting on with people but since DH left me I seem to have lost the ability to not tell people to fuck off when they annoy me

He sounds very self centred tbh.

I'm not sure I would go totally non contact, but I would put him back in his box by telling him what an arse he is being and stop putting myself out for him in any way.

What does the rest of the family make of his antics?

Mum always tries to say "he's your brother, you need to get on".

Other brother thinks he is a dick.

Sister thinks he is a dick.

Dad thinks he is a dick. Dad actually told me not to talk to him again after the email that went round after Mum's birthday. At the time I was being treated for PTSD after DH left (literally left with a post-it note)

Trouble is when he is being nice he is VERY nice, like he charms you round, then these viscous outbursts just when you think the water is calm.

Yep cut him off and don't look back.

What does he bring to your life? Nothing but negativity.

People only treat you how you let them.

I've been NC with my mother for over a decade as she was demonic. Brought nothing but hurt anger and tears. It's the best thing I ever did.

He sounds like a narc.

He bring literally NOTHING to my life.

Nothing. I can't think of a THING.

No support in bad times, never calls for a chat, only calls when he wants something and makes me feel like shit all the time!

Totally pointless human being.

OH...and wait for this...a few years back I lent him money. About £3000. Took him almost 4 years to pay me back.

He lent ME £2000 when DH left me, and about 6 months later sent me a VERY nasty email about why I hadn't paid it back.

It's like all take and no give. And verbal abuse.

Go NC, OP. You don;t need to put up with this any more - HE has alienated everyone in his family.

I'm no-contact with my own bitch of a sister, who would do stuff pretty much like your DB. It's bliss (and yes I still get 'but she's your sister' from mum. Like that makes any difference - i just say 'tell her that!' because she has no idea how a true sister should be. ) Any toxic person should be cut out of your life, no question. Blood or no.

I feel really bloody awful now, like I should keep the peace. Dad's not critically ill but it could be bad and I told brother to go fuck himself, which I never do and I wish I'd just taken teh high road :(

My mum was always in complete denial about how horrid my bro actually was. I wasn't 'allowed' to criticise him or complain about his behaviour without her getting exasperated at me. I was pretty much expected to lap up whatever he dished out, no matter how cruel or nasty.
The few occasions I did blow up and react, became "you're both as bad as each other" and "you give as good as you get".
He is 6 years older than me and when I was 8 and he was 14, the odds were most certainly not in my favour.
God knows my mum was a good mother to, but she was as thick as mince when it came to the sibling stuff.

good mother to us

Oh Mum knows how horrible he is. He can be horrible to her too. she just thinks its best to let it go with family. she thinks he's sad inside which is why he is so horrible.

Sounds just like my mum. He was rude and ill mannered to her too, but she did the same - let it slide because he was so sad.
I genuinely believed me to be a troublemaker for daring to be put out by him.

She genuinely believed

OP, here's a slightly different take. Might be totally off the mark, but FWIW: you mention that your DS has autism. Spectrum disorders can run in families. Could your brother have undiagnosed Aspergers? Lots of the things you mention, such as low emotional intelligence, emotional outbursts/low resilience especially with unexpected things, apparent selfishness, low need for contact, lack of perspective - all typical AS traits. It might mean he isn't a horrible person, just one who doesn't interact with the world in the expected way and has trouble with relationships.

Or he could be a twat.

Either way, protect yourself from allowing him to hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally.

My Dad and sister have ASD but brother is very diferrent. Very socially charming.

Think he's just a twat