Should I cut my brother off?

[brotherissues]

My little brother has always been a bit of a problem.

I feel today like I might cut him off and just wanted a perspective if it is just me over-reacting.

He lives abroad and doesn't get on that well with most people in the family. He argues a fair bit. He was pretty ill for a long time with panic attacks, and over that time I spent considerable time and money on the phone with him and have always been a really loving sister. I also often smooth over fights between him and Dad and my other brothers and sisters because he gets into them a lot.

I won't list every incident with him, but just in the past year.

1. At breakfast after a family wedding, he screamed REALLY loudly at me and my DS (who is only 8 and has autism) because apparently my DS called him a "chump" (he heard it on TV). He really made a scene, like leaving the table and stuff and my DS was really upset and confused because he didn't know he was being rude.

1. DH left me really unexpectedly and I was devastated and not once has my brother called to see if I was okay or how we were doing even though it happened 9 month ago now.

1. A few months after DH left it was Mum's birthday, which I organise every year. This year my sister did it, because I have had depression after DH left me and because DH left me I had no money to contribute (am on benefits) and my brother sent an email to all my brothers and sisters, Dad and some other extended family that basically said it was terrible that I had not helped plan Mum's birthday or paid towards it -totally humiliated me.

Today was the final straw. Dad was rushed to hospital in the night and Mum has been texting all day with updates. I sent an email to brothers and sisters and Mum to say I had googled his condition and what the best things to do were etc.

Turns out Mum had not texted my brother so he didn't know Dad was in hospital. He replied to my email, again copying EVERYONE calling me "monumentally dumb" for sending that email without checking first.

I replied saying I didn't KNOW he hadn't known (Mum usually texts us all) and told him to shove his arrogant email up his arse.

I then got this response:

"Your email breaking the news to us about dad’s situation, with no knowledge of the fact there was even anything the slightest thing wrong with him was downright dumb. I don’t want your FUCKING opinion. I want unemotional facts."

is it me, or is this totally abnormal?

We are in our late 30s, not 18

I wouldn't bother with him anymore. So what if he's your brother? He's not bringing anything good to your life.

From what you've said, your Dad will be really happy if you stand up for yourself and stop taking crap from your brother.

Ok so the rest of the family have him sussed out then.

I think your brother is what my grandmother called a "candle Snuffer" ie someone who has to blow out your light to make theirs seem brighter.

His put downs to you are about raising his stock in the family dynamic.

My guess from your posts are he targets you because your other siblings simply won't put up with it.

So you need to stop feeding the monster. You don't have to say "I am not speaking to you anymore" just stop any pro-active contact and make clear you won't put up with his shit.

In response to his last email I would have said "you want facts, well here is one for you. Myself and the rest of the family are focused on Dad and his needs, not your rudely communicated wants. When you feel able to do the same please feel free to courteously contribute your opinion (given you are in no position to offer any practical help - even should this notion occur to you) on how best to help our father in his recovery. Until then I'll not be participating in your self indulgent drama by email or any other means."

He sounds horrible. I'd just pretend he's not there. When you have a family text or email to send, don't include him in it. If he sends you an abusive message, ignore it like it was from someone you didn't know. If you have to see him at a party, smile and greet politely and then keep your distance. But don't make a big drama out of cutting him off - he's not worth it, and it sounds as though he'd try to turn it around to make himself look good anyway.

He sounds personality disordered. You dont have to be his doormat anymore.

I feel really bloody awful now, like I should keep the peace

He's the one not keeping the peace. You don't have to be his doormat. It's better for you if you're not and maybe for him. Bullies don't change until their victims don't stand for it any more.

He is a bully