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Original poster

Estranged sister in hospital, has had stroke.

36 replies

gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 14:22

I haven't seen her for about 5 yrs.Reasons for NC were numerous, mainly her drinking and behaviour around DD, now 15 and DS , now 12.She showed blatent favouritism towards my DD and practically ignored DS as she implied he was not as clever as DD and wasn't worth bothering with (tip of the iceberg).She was always drunk, very often aggressive, so many things, it's all very sad .After really trying I just gave up and took the easy way out as I couldn't answer the questions my kids were asking about her behaviour, plus DS was becoming scared of her.
Fast forward to last night, had phonecall from DB.I am in shock I guess, she had a fall, hit her head, went hospital, disharged, 3 days later collapsed in street.She's had a massive bleed.The hospital she was originally in said to let Nature take it's course and that there was nothing they could do.BIL knows some influential people (I won't say in what field as it might identify me and her) and was able to get her moved to where she is now. Luckily she is in a HD Neuro ward and has had an operation but she has another clot which they are monitoring.
I can't stop crying, she can't swallow, there are tubes everywhere, she can just about speak.She is so frail, she's lost so much weight and her head is shaved in parts. She kept telling me she loved me, that she always loved me.I can't tell her I love her, I try, I can't. She has hurt me so much in the past and I want to get past that as she might still die.It's 4 words, just 4 words "I love you too".I could have lost her a month ago and I would have been receiving a totally different phonecall.She is here, now, only just, but slowly improving.
How can I get past this? tell her what she wants to hear? I know it would mean so much if I said I loved her.I don't feel I do which is a horrible thing to say, I care, I really care. . .

OP posts:
Meerka · 11/09/2014 14:30

What an incredibly difficult situation. I'm so sorry.

Can see how desperately you want to be there for her. If someone's hurt you badly enough, the words 'i love you' fade on your lips. At the same time, this is a turning point in her life, for better or worse and you say they would mean the world to her.

When you say she says "I always loved you".... Is she apologising?

Is it possible to think of good times with her, perhaps before you had your children or the drink got a hold of her, and say I love you to the person she was then? Or instead of "i love you", say what she says: "I loved you". Or even, gently, "I loved you, but you have hurt me"

Normally I'd say be true to your own feelings but this situation is extreme.

Meerka · 11/09/2014 14:32

Reading the post again, seeing your distress ... I think you do love her. But the hurt gets in the way of saying it. But you do love her.

Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 14:42

Thank you Meerka, your words have set me off again, they are very comforting.What I am finding ultra difficult is how much like my dad she now looks.He passed in 2001, he'd had a stroke but lived in his stroke body for another 21 mths.A lot of the anger and pain I feel towards her are about the lies she told about visiting him (she didn't) and her care of him (there was none)She has that horrible starey expression that he had.I am going in in a bit with DD (I will prepare her) When I told DSis I would bring her in, her face lit up.It's so hard, I feel so torn.DD is very matter of fact and really interested in anything medical.I talked to her about what I knew of the situation last night.She will want to see her and she will be good with her(I think) She is mature for her age and is interested in becoming a Dr.

OP posts:
Meerka · 11/09/2014 14:49

Hmm,your sister is a very troubled woman isn't she? You must be so angry with her.

How does your son feel about seeing her? favouritism is a pretty horrible thing, he won't have forgotten.

Longer term, there can apparently be a lot of personality changes after a stroke and also she may have longer term care needs. Will people be there to provide them? if it's too soon to think of that, sorry for raising it.

Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 15:26

He remembers some of what she was like but not all.Up until last night we didn't talk about her.
She has a partner, but yeah, I'm worried about that also.She never had any children.I'm the only one in my family (1 of 6 siblings ) to have children.I have a very f**d up family.I only see 1 brother, my kids have never met(and never will) 2 of their uncles.My DD is now more sympathetic to the whole 'not seeing the family' thing, she understands why I did what I did but it's hard.It isn't how I would have wanted things to be.

OP posts:
Meerka · 11/09/2014 16:00

No, it's not easy is it, my family is fractured too.

I hope that somehow healing can come for you and her. Flowers

Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 16:06

Thank you x

OP posts:
venusandmars · 11/09/2014 17:56

ginger I'm wondering if there are parts of her that you can more easily say you love? Not the whole of her being and entirety (because that has hurt you in many ways) but can you say "I love you for.... being vulnerable.... or being like our Dad..... or for recovering..."

That might be a start... and if there are changes in her personality after the stroke (in a positive or negative way) then you can carry on being specific about what you love...

LadyofSpain · 11/09/2014 19:07

Ginger, I am sorry that you are feeling so torn. Families can sometimes bring nothing but heartache. I would say nothing to her that you genuinely don't feel. Given how your sister has treated you and your children, she is very lucky that you are there for her at all. I admire you for that alone. Nothing has really changed, other than she is now facing her own mortality, which will have scared her. Just be kind, and say only what you feel comfortable with, and let events happen without trying to pre-empt anything. I really wish you well.x.

Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 20:37

venusandmars, I did tell her she was strong and would get better and I do admire her fight, apparently she has done remarkably well.I suppose the fact I am there and am so visibly upset shows I care.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 20:38

LadyofSpain, you are right, I will be kind.Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 20:44

I went to see her tonight with DD but she was asleep and we couldn't raise her and it would have been selfish to do so.She had a MRI scan this afternoon and that tired her out, all the moving about.She is very weak. She has a chest infection and lots of mucous which they needed to drain.She really is in a bad way.I feel strangely more peaceful for having seen her I know I am doing the right thing.The nurse said they would tell her I came and I'll go in again tomorrow.

OP posts:
Iamcuriousyellow · 11/09/2014 20:49

I do feel for you. How sad. My sister was in neurological HDU for four weeks and it's a grim place. (I took my DD 17 to see her and it was too much, ventilator tube, many wires and machines, hands tied to bedsides, massive metal staples in shaved skull, so do be prepared for your daughters reaction)
What I would say is - suppose the worst happened and you hadn't felt able to say I Love You? You will live with that a long time. There must have been a time when you did love her. Ok you hated the behaviour but did you hate the person?

DustBunnyFarmer · 11/09/2014 21:03

I have been in a very similar position, felt similar sadness (and hope). The person involved resumed the horrible behaviour once they were on the mend. I know your instinct is to reach out, but take care not to give more than you feel able to or to resume/create expectations about contact which may see you exposed to further hurt down the line. Sometimes a person confronted with their mortality can change, but with people as hurtful and damaged as your sister (and my relative) sometimes it's just another stick to beat you with. "I was a death's door and you weren't really there for me, my own flesh and blood..." Just remember that you gave her ample opportunities to do the right thing when she was well and she chose not to. You have already done enough and there is no need for guilt, if you decide that you don't want to give more of yourself.

Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 21:06

Iamcuriousyellow, I can't think of a time, no.I was 4 when she left home and things were really bad.I feel she abandoned us.I do take your point, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my mum, I associate hospitals and being in them with death.DD was ok, upset, but glad she went, she says she'll come with me again.I will think on your words.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 11/09/2014 21:12

DustBunnyFarmer, I feel sadness but not hope.If I'm truthful I don't want a relationship with her.She is toxic, she zaps me of all my energy, she is stuck in a rut of behaviour she can't be helped to move out of.I have tried.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 11/09/2014 23:04

You have your answer/way forward, then, Ginger. I felt the same about the person I mentioned. The near death thing just crystallised it for me. If facing death still didn't bring any insight or a change in their behaviour, there was no hope. I knew then we were done. It's not easy to face up to, but being honest about you feel will help you to make the right decisions about how to move forwards with this. Good luck and take care.

whitechocolatestars · 12/09/2014 00:18

Ginger I have sent you a pm

AcrossthePond55 · 12/09/2014 00:28

You must be true to yourself first. Just because someone becomes very ill, it doesn't erase every negative thing that went on before. I agree with those who are saying to do and say only as much as you feel safe and honest doing and saying. Illness doesn't mean you must categorically forgive & forget the past. It also doesn't mean that that person will have a life changing epiphany. If she says she loves you and you don't want to return the sentiment just pat her hand and say, "I know. We'll talk about it when you are better".

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 12/09/2014 06:00

People often need to make their peace before passing on. Say what she needs to hear to allow her to die peacefully and quickly. This isnt about you, it's about her.

Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 12/09/2014 06:35

AdmitYouKnowImRight, I know, I'll try, that's how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 12/09/2014 06:37

Acrossthepond55, that's what I said yesterday, thank you.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 12/09/2014 06:52

Actually I disagree with that, Admit

I am NC with my mother for 37 years of very good reasons.

This is about the OP because she is the one who will have to live with what she says.

I wouldn't tell my mother I loved her on her deathbed, because I don't. It would be a lie. I didn't say it to my dad when he was dying either for the same reason. I don't regret it.

Ginger only say it if it is the truth for you.

Original poster
gingerhobo48 · 12/09/2014 07:30

If I knew it would give her peace, I would do it for those reasons, to make her feel better now, it is all about now.If she survives, and remembers , then we'll rethink things.There probably is a love, not a love I immediately recognise as the one I have with my family every day, but I am fortunate to have that and I will continue to protect and nurture that love.She has nothing, only her partner, it is very sad.
She won't have remembered a lot of her behaviour as she was always so drunk.If I could live in the now and have a relationship in the now with just me and her, talking about normal every day things with me possibly re-introducing my kids when I felt it was safe to do so, then fine, I would do that.But every, and I mean every, conversation I have had with her , turns into an argument.She has a skewed idea of family life, she wasn't there, it wasn't like that, plus, she will never, never, never get me to even consider meeting either one of my brothers. . . . never, full stop.She does not respect that, she does not try to even listen or consider my feelings, she lives in a 'Waltonesque' World, and the one I remember and have totally shut down in my memory, is more a nightmare , so why would I want to go back there?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/09/2014 14:13

Ginger your last post shows what a generous heart you have. Those you love (in whichever way you love them) are very lucky to have you. To be able to step outside yourself to want to give peace to someone who has obviously caused you much pain humbles me, it really does. I don't know if I could be so generous.

Alcohol is the very devil. It can be such fun IF you can drink responsibly, but I think it has wrecked more lives than anything else I know.