Pregnant and think my marriage is over.......please help

[Arizona82]

Hi everyone - this is my first time posting here and the first time I have ever really spoken about my issues out loud in any real detail and I would really appreciate some help.

I am 10 weeks pregnant (first child) and I have been with my husband for 10 years. We've had lots of ups and downs over the years namely with communication problems. By that I mean he doesn't express himself well at all when we're having a disagreement/discussion about something and frequently says one thing but means something completely different (he freely admits this) which causes a lot of confusion and it has been the source of a lot of angst over the years.

He also has a real knack for saying the wrong thing, has frequently embarrassed me in front of friends in social situations and has said many hurtful things over the years; it's like he doesn't have an off switch or a filter in his brain. For instance, my father was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago and subsequently had treatment and was given the all clear. Upon telling my husband the good news one evening his response (completely deadpan) was "oh well you do realise he'll get it again? You do realise it'll come back". This is just one example of a whole host of completely inappropriate and heartbreaking things he has said over the years. The most disturbing thing is that he's adamant he doesn't say these things on purpose, like that makes it ok.

In these situations when I then try and explain to him how he is completely inappropriate, his first response is to go on the defensive and try and argue his way out of whatever he has said/done before usually relenting when his brain finally catches up and he realises that he was in fact completely out of order. Hr can be very argumentative and moody.

Peaks and troughs is a very good way to describe our relationship and I've desperately craved more stability over the years and this overwhelming urge for him to just be 'normal' and stop saying and doing embarrassing and hurtful things. Am I really asking too much!? I know you're all probably reading this thinking why the hell did you get pregnant? Well, like most marriages, we have good times too and when things are good he is fantastic. It just never seems too long before we slip back into the old routine. Every time we are in a situation where he's said or done something horrible he seems to have an epiphany every time (after the initial defensive argumentative response) he will often say "oh yes I get it, how could I say that to you? I'll NEVER say anything like that again -I promise you. I'm so sorry, I love you, I'm an asshole".......etc etc

Anyway something happened last night which I feel is just the final straw for me. Firstly I will admit that I checked his Facebook messages. I'm pregnant and having a really tough time at the moment, I feel vulnerable and I guess ultimately I don't trust him, that's why I did it. He is a pilot stays away from home several times a week and the end point of conversation between him and several of his colleagues went like this.....

"Oh I recently heard that X got demoted for screwing around with another captains wife in the rest area of the plane"

"Don't give me ideas" (my husband)

When I confronted him with this he got very flustered, starting shouting at me saying "CLEARLY IT WAS A JOKE" "CLEARLY IT WAS BANTER" etc which went on for the next 30 minutes or so. I wanted to scream I"M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD!!! I don't care whether it was said in jest or not, you shouldn't have said that and that as per usual it was said in such a deadpan way that I'm sure none of his colleagues took it as a joke (nobody responded funnily enough). I just feel so humiliated and embarrassed yet again and really hurt that he thinks it is appropriate to say such things.

I'm sorry for this mammoth essay but I just really need some advice. I feel like last night was the final straw for me. I desperately want this man to respect me and our marriage but I just don't think he does. But I'm pregnant, what do I do? Do I leave and go it alone? Or do I stay and accept the fact that there will be some good times interspersed with hurtful and degrading comments?

Thanks for reading

I am so sorry that you are feeling unsupported and that your dh has been an absolute arse!

It sounds as though you could do with some time to think your options through, do you think counselling may help you to explore things in a safe environment? Your midwife or gp should be able to help you here.

You are about to have a life changing experience, it will not be just yourself that you will have to think about, it will help you to know which path you are going to take and to prepare for it.

No one deserves a life time of degradation, you deserve love and support.

I think the message is a red herring - to me it was banter and I wouldn't read anything into it at all.

BUT

I'm not the person checking my husband's messages because I don't trust him.

The real question here is how to address that.

I desperately want this man to respect me and our marriage but I just don't think he does

Hr can be very argumentative and moody.

I think this says everything for me. What you want is someone who is respectful, doesn't humiliate you, doesn't say incredibly hurtful things. He doesn't accept responsibility for what he says

The most disturbing thing is that he's adamant he doesn't say these things on purpose, like that makes it ok

and he says he will change, but never does.

It sounds like this has been a problem from the beginning, but you put up with in the beginning as you didn't notice, then noticed, but assumed he would stop if you spoke to him, then got angry about because he wasn't making any effort to stop, and now you are at breaking point, because you realise that he never will stop.

I think you only really have two choices: Either stay with him, and accept that he will never change, and find a way to cope with the shitty things he says (by the way, his comment about your father? I would have gone ape shit).

Or you can split with him, not have to deal with his shitty, embarrassing comments, and find someone who can think before opening their mouths.

I'm sorry, but there is no option where your partner suddenly realises what a douchebag he is being, and suddenly transforms into a perfectly respectable partner.

My main concern is you having to deal with this shit whilst pregnant, and just after giving birth. Your partner should be someone that you can rely on to support you, not someone you are just waiting to open their mouths and say something idiotic/hurtful/shaming.

hello my hubby has aspergers .so i understand .the problem of just saying things without thinking .footin mouth syndrome .it probably was a joke .my hubby says these things all the time .if he heres someone divorceing he will say lucky bastard or something along those lines .i have learned to not take offence .but to be honest looking at his facebook shows a lack of trust .and i would hate if my hubby were looking at mine .i think you are being a bit irrational because of hormones .leaving over a joke between men seems a bit strange .maybe he does,nt get the fact he is crass sometimes

Thanks for all of your comments, I really appreciate it. Counselling may well be our last option. We've looked into it before but never gone through with it, trying to work it out ourselves. It hasn't worked.

In response to the posters who say I've been irrational regarding the Facebook message then yes, perhaps you are right. But the point is, it was just another thing in a very long list of hurtful, inappropriate comments. If it was an isolated incident in an otherwise happy and respectful marriage then I wouldn't have reacted at all. But it wasn't.
Funnily enough he wasn't at all angry that I had checked his Facebook messages but then I wouldn't be the least bit bothered if he checked my Facebook or phone messages for that matter, I don't think it's a heinous breech of trust or anything like that and I really dot think it's the main issue we're facing here but perhaps that's just me?

I just feel so worn down and upset. He was full of remorse last night, after initially arguing the toss and shouting at me but then that's what always happens. He makes me believe that he's 'seen the light' then we might have a good couple of weeks, then he'll do it again.

KayKayBlue you have really hit the nail on the head saying it's been a problem from the beginning - it has. Also saying he's a complete douche and won't turn into a respectful partner - also true. I've stuck with him because he's sworn over and over that he'll modify his behaviour, won't ever do it again.....and then he does.

Arizona congratulations on being pregnant.The comment on FB was insensitive but banter.I work in a male enviroment and this kind of talk goes on and is no reflection of peoples real life or values.
My husband is insensitive too he told me i looked like an oranga tuan when i was pregnant yrs ago ( funnily enough he is overweight and i am slim).He also said i dont know why you are worried about your Mum ,she has stage 4 cancer incurable "she is not dead yet".
I think it depends how he treats you and not all these comments after 10 yrs it will be hard to change him ( maybe his family are straight talkers.

I think the phrase is 'the straw that broke the camel's back'... 10 years of crass insensitivity, insults, broken promises to change, all passed off with a casual excuse of 'I didn't mean it' and I think you've finally had enough.

Having a baby changes your outlook, I think. It's not 'hormones' it's that your priorities change. Stuff that was tolerable when you were just one woman dealing with one man becomes intolerable because you've got more important things on your mind. Bigger responsibilities mean you look at the person sharing your life and ask yourself 'what exactly are you bringing to the party here?' What support is this insulting, insensitive person going to be when the chips are down?

I can't answer that question but I think you have to work on the assumption that this is as good as he gets. Is it good enough?

I've also remembered something that his Mum has said to me on a few occasions over the years - that when he was a kid growing up, she would always have to remind him to 'engage brain before speaking'......

It would appear I'm still trying (and failing) to get him to do this as an adult. It's something that he's been doing his whole life! Shit, I don't think I can stay with this man anymore. He does have some good qualities but my god he can be a complete arse at times too.

My dad is similar - saying hurtful things were just a joke, getting aggressively defensive when called on his poor behaviour, failing to be supportive when anyone with a shred of empathy would not be thinking about only themselves etc.

He doesn't have aspergers (I know that can be an explanation but equally sometimes it's not) he's just a bully and an asshole.

He will never never change, many family members have tried and failed to point out his behavioural shortcomings to get him to be more sensitive but apparently it's not his fault it's ours.

I decided recently after one too many stupid hurtful comments that I didn't want to speak to him any more. And this is also recognising that in many ways he is a good and caring father. I just stopped feeling that it outweighed the bad stuff, hence my decision.

I think either you decide you can put up with it, or you leave. Stop hoping he'll change.

Sound a lot like me and my hubby, he doesn't think and I'm extremely good at expressing myself do lack empathy for his inabilities in this respect.

When I was pregnant, I was even more emotional than usual and my DH was even more emotionally withdrawn. I honestly thought it was over.

Finally, I got him to open up, I'd have left otherwise as he wasn't supporting my emotional needs.

The short of it is that no matter how I feel as a result if him, he doesn't do it on purpose and he's a good man with a good heart who is lacking in some areas.

I look back in horror at how close I came to losing him and now give him the benefit of the doubt.

Not couples counselling arizona, personal counselling for you, so that you can explore your options and be settled in your head that you have made the right choices for you, what ever those choices are.

whatisforteamum - thank you, I am so torn between being over the moon that I'm pregnant but then scared and unsure about the future and what it holds. I'm also sorry that you're married to an insensitive man, It's very hard. The comment about your mother....it just beggers belief really! Same as with my bonehead husband. His family are definitely straight talkers, no doubt about that. Especially his mother - she doesn't hold back and never has.

Cogito - thank you, you're absolutely right in what you say. God it feels good to have a third party look at our situation and understand my fears. Ultimately you're right, I think this is as good as it's going to get. I don't think it's good enough but I'm scared to leave now that I'm pregnant.

Like others say, it sounds like maybe being pregnant has made you reassess things, and realise the challenge.

Based on what you've said, he doesn't sound like a great long term bet. Does he have any sort of awareness, or other redeeming qualities or if you showed him what you've written here, would he want to make adjustments to help things work? And how far will you adjust (not at all to say you have to, it's just a question to ask... Sounds like you've had to be very patient over the years already!).

Having a baby alone is really really hard but splitting up with a newborn can potentially be far worse. Or - just to throw it out there as an option in this difficult circumstance - at ten weeks along you do have the option not to remain pregnant, if this is not your time. Whatever you choose, I hope you have lots of support in RL too, or if not, see your GP and get referred to someone you can talk through your feelings with.

Whatever you do, never confess to him that you are scared to end things because you're pregnant. You're identifying a problem that is vey serious to you, you're not being taken seriously and a big part of that will be because he takes it for granted that you are stuck with him and have no other options. People rarely change unless highly motivated. He has zero motivation because, for 10 years (and his whole life if his mother is to be believed) he has behaved this way and there have been no consequences.

So, whilst this may not be an 'LTB' situation, you are only going to motivate the 'B' by having a serious consequence - and it may have to be 'L' - on the table.

Patience - If I showed him this thread and I think I definitely will, he would read it, absorb everything that's been said, agree with everything that's been said, swear that he will change.................until the next time.

That has been the pattern in our relationship. After we get over the initial 30 mins of him being an argumentative arse he will always reflect on what he's said or done, apologise, will say how much he's learned and that he won't ever do it again. This is the reason I have stayed with him - because he always says the right things and appears genuinely remorseful, until the next incident. That's what makes this whole thing so difficult because I am so desperate to believe him but he has let me down so many times.

His redeeming qualities when he's not being an arse? Well he's generous, caring and will do anything for me. Unfortunately his broken promises, argumentative, defensive and insensitive nature have made it all but impossible for me to focus on his good qualities :(

I have threatened to leave before (and really meant it) but never went through with it. I feel so weak and I don't think he takes me seriously at all regarding leaving him.

Also the thought of not having this baby and having a termination? Well I think it would finish me off so really don't think it's an option.

If you threaten something and don't follow through, your credibility is instantly shot and the other person is going treat subsequent threats with contempt. Sorry...

Can you quantify what it would be about being a lone parent that is so concerning? I've been one myself since my DS was born 14 years ago and, although it's been challenging on occasions, it's also been extremely rewarding and we are very close as a family. Might it help you to explore the realities of divorce - finance, housing, access to DC? Or is it the emotional loss you're worried about i.e. being alone?

You're absolutely right - I've threatened to leave one too many times and have now lost all credibility.

Re being a lone parent, I think I could do it but ultimately I just really don't want my marriage to fail. I just want him to change, but he won't.

I'll go out on a limb here and say I think he was joking and I wouldn't find what he said offensive. Also the comment about your grandfather. Yes it was thoughtless-but not designed to hurt you (going by what you say)

You guys are maybe a mismatch. I don't think it's right to try and change someone just because they aren't towing the social line or behaving how you would like.

If he behaves in a way that is not abusive and you don't like it then I say it is indeed your problem. It's possible that he apologises just to keep the peace- is that really what you want?

People rarely change who they are, they are just moulded that way sometimes.

Good luck with your new arrival!

"I just really don't want my marriage to fail."

What does marriage failure mean to you?... Would you see marriage failure as a personal failure? Is being single or a lone parent a sign of failure? Do you want to stay married because you still think he can change? Do you think children are better brought up by two people under one roof regardless of the circumstances?

I'm asking the questions because your DH is not going to change but your lives are going to change shortly with the arrival of your baby. If things are bad, a baby tends to make them worse rather than better

I guess because my parents split up when I was 2 and whilst my parents did the best they could there was a lot of animosity there, I do feel that I missed out in many respects. I used to cry myself to sleep at night as a kid just wishing my parents were together......

I suppose there is a bit of personal pride at stake as well as being scared that I might be making the wrong decision. Once we've split that would be it. I read this back and realise I sound really weak.

No-body wants their marriage to end. Just about everyone on these threads says they wants their marriage to continue - just for their partner to change their behaviour.

Unfortunately sometimes, in cases like this, that would mean you partner changing their personality. It just isn't going to happen.

Like I said above, I think you need to take that option off the table, as it's not real. It simply doesn't exist.

"realise I sound really weak"

It's not weak at all. It's one thing to realise there is something badly wrong. Quite another to have the courage of your convictions to do something which - let's face it - could have pretty drastic consequences. All I and anyone else can do is to encourage you to see things as they really are and act accordingly rather than cling onto fantasies or childhood insecurities.

Thank you both - what you say makes complete sense.

For the first time I have acknowledged that he is not going to change, it isn't possible. I'm not sure how to proceed from here, how to make the leap if necessary. I have showed him this thread and he said it was very humbling to read but that he just couldn't make anymore false promises. He has finally realised that he isn't capable of change - but desperately wants me to stay and that he thinks we are better off together. Better for him maybe.

Sometimes, accepting someone isn't going to change can work if it means you substantially lower your expectations, stop seeing their behaviour as your responsibility and put other things into place so that the impact of their personality/behaviour/attitude doesn't negatively affect your life. I think the catch-all term might be 'settling'.

You spend a few days a week apart as it is. Would you consider spending a few months apart... see if that confirms if life is better or worse for everyone involved?

Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to be the wrong person.