Pregnant and think my marriage is over.......please help

[Arizona82]

Hi everyone - this is my first time posting here and the first time I have ever really spoken about my issues out loud in any real detail and I would really appreciate some help.

I am 10 weeks pregnant (first child) and I have been with my husband for 10 years. We've had lots of ups and downs over the years namely with communication problems. By that I mean he doesn't express himself well at all when we're having a disagreement/discussion about something and frequently says one thing but means something completely different (he freely admits this) which causes a lot of confusion and it has been the source of a lot of angst over the years.

He also has a real knack for saying the wrong thing, has frequently embarrassed me in front of friends in social situations and has said many hurtful things over the years; it's like he doesn't have an off switch or a filter in his brain. For instance, my father was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago and subsequently had treatment and was given the all clear. Upon telling my husband the good news one evening his response (completely deadpan) was "oh well you do realise he'll get it again? You do realise it'll come back". This is just one example of a whole host of completely inappropriate and heartbreaking things he has said over the years. The most disturbing thing is that he's adamant he doesn't say these things on purpose, like that makes it ok.

In these situations when I then try and explain to him how he is completely inappropriate, his first response is to go on the defensive and try and argue his way out of whatever he has said/done before usually relenting when his brain finally catches up and he realises that he was in fact completely out of order. Hr can be very argumentative and moody.

Peaks and troughs is a very good way to describe our relationship and I've desperately craved more stability over the years and this overwhelming urge for him to just be 'normal' and stop saying and doing embarrassing and hurtful things. Am I really asking too much!? I know you're all probably reading this thinking why the hell did you get pregnant? Well, like most marriages, we have good times too and when things are good he is fantastic. It just never seems too long before we slip back into the old routine. Every time we are in a situation where he's said or done something horrible he seems to have an epiphany every time (after the initial defensive argumentative response) he will often say "oh yes I get it, how could I say that to you? I'll NEVER say anything like that again -I promise you. I'm so sorry, I love you, I'm an asshole".......etc etc

Anyway something happened last night which I feel is just the final straw for me. Firstly I will admit that I checked his Facebook messages. I'm pregnant and having a really tough time at the moment, I feel vulnerable and I guess ultimately I don't trust him, that's why I did it. He is a pilot stays away from home several times a week and the end point of conversation between him and several of his colleagues went like this.....

"Oh I recently heard that X got demoted for screwing around with another captains wife in the rest area of the plane"

"Don't give me ideas" (my husband)

When I confronted him with this he got very flustered, starting shouting at me saying "CLEARLY IT WAS A JOKE" "CLEARLY IT WAS BANTER" etc which went on for the next 30 minutes or so. I wanted to scream I"M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD!!! I don't care whether it was said in jest or not, you shouldn't have said that and that as per usual it was said in such a deadpan way that I'm sure none of his colleagues took it as a joke (nobody responded funnily enough). I just feel so humiliated and embarrassed yet again and really hurt that he thinks it is appropriate to say such things.

I'm sorry for this mammoth essay but I just really need some advice. I feel like last night was the final straw for me. I desperately want this man to respect me and our marriage but I just don't think he does. But I'm pregnant, what do I do? Do I leave and go it alone? Or do I stay and accept the fact that there will be some good times interspersed with hurtful and degrading comments?

Thanks for reading

Yes I do need to lower my expectations of him or at least figure out if I'm capable of doing so.

Separating may be a possibility, it's just that I don't really live near to my family or friends so feel a bit out on a limb here and rely on him so much. I used to be such an independent person too - how things can change.

Living with someone who is hard work can soak up a huge amount of your energy. If he's offensive, you'll find it difficult to socialise or make new friends.

He can be hit and miss with other people. Sometimes he is wonderful, funny, chatty and great company. Other times he can get into one of his moods and not be very pleasant. For example, I have a couple of friends who he has never really taken a liking to and I'm always on edge because I know he doesn't like them and will be an arse..... again he is always apologetic the next day and will say oh yes I shouldn't have behaved like that, I won't do it again and then invariably he does.

I know he has the ability to be a fantastic husband, it's the inconsistency that is tearing me apart. Like you said, I need to lower my expectations! All day i've been trying to figure out if and how that's possible. I don't seem to have gotten very far.....

I don't actually think you should lower your expectations. I put it forward as a way that some people choose to exist when they have a partner they don't particularly like.

That 'Jekyll & Hyde' aspect you describe above should give you pause for thought. He appears to be able to choose to either be chatty and funny or 'in one of his moods' - and unfortunately that's a fairly standard tactic of emotional bullies. They are capable of being pleasant when it suits but, if they think the insulting, insensitive act gets them what they want, they'll do that instead. Isolating the partner is another.... if you're distant from family and on edge with the friends he's taken a dislike to, be conscious of it and make a big effort to maintain your social groups and support network.

You're not painting him as abusive or malicious necessarily, but your confidence sounds low, you appear to believe you are trapped, he says very clearly he has no intention of changing.... and you're best plan at the moment is to lower your standards. I don't think that's exactly what you signed up for is it?

Everything you say is correct - you seem to just 'get it' and it's a really liberating feeling to know that what I'm feeling is real - thank you :)

I've often told him he is a Jekyll and Hyde character and explained the reasons why. As per usual he will listen and take it on board at the time but then just fall back to his old ways. I do think he is an emotional bully at times and he would be horrified to be described as such. I guess the truth hurts.

I'm also very wary of him when he is drunk - not that he has ever been physically abusive but the emotional stuff really does ramp up when he's had a few drinks and he has become extremely belligerent in the past. However, he did recognise that and is now very rarely gets drunk, which I guess is a positive thing but on the whole it hasn't stopped his behaviour and a lot of damage and bad feeling has been caused over the years due to him being a drunken arse.

We have talked today and he is very meek and remorseful but has said that as much as he wants to, he is now accepting the fact that he doesn't seem to be able to control his mouth. So now I have to decide whether I can put up with 'my lot' in life and enjoy the good bits and try and accept the fact that he will say and do insensitive things and I need to not rise to it and try to let it bounce off me. The problem is that I will be settling and not truly happy, always living on edge and having these feelings of intense hate towards him when he is behaving badly. It's no way to live.

There is no 'lot', there is just life. You only get one shot at it and it's down to your choices whether you end up one day thinking it was well spent or whether you regret opportunities wasted.

I think I said earlier that babies change your priorities. Suddenly there's this fresh, new, perfect person who genuinely needs 100% of your love and attention and can behave as badly as they please and still make you happy. The moody, offensive, pretending-to-be-remorseful, 'I can't help it, it's just the way I am' act will get very old very quickly when you've not had three consecutive hours sleep for a while.

Keep standing up to him. Good luck

I will. Thank you again for your advice, I really appreciate it.