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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fuck it, I don't care if he reads this. I need your support.

54 replies

CurlyWurlyCake · 11/09/2014 01:11

Married and together 14 years, he is abusive but doesn't admit it.

What the hell do I do.

Married 14 years with 3 DC?

OP posts:
Theoldhag · 11/09/2014 09:13

curly the first step is always the hardest (hug), admitting to yourself that your husband is an abuser.

Now try to gather as much support from people you can trust around you, go to your gp and log your emotions, maybe ask him/her about counselling, as this will give you space to safely talk about your feelings and help you to put plans in place. If you have dc then let the school know also. Ring womans aid, they are there to help you. By getting in contact with these people you are leaving a paper trail, you may need this in the future.

Log everything.

Find out what your options are, financially, legally etc

You can ring around all of the solicitors in your area and try to get free 30 mins from them.

Make sure that you have copies of (yours and his) financial records, bank statements, pensions, stocks and shares etc keep these safe.

Make sure that you have passports, birth certs, marrage cert, etc in a safe place.

We are here to support you and help you as much as we can.

Thanks
bigoldbird · 11/09/2014 09:22

Curly, please ring WA. I was you a few years ago. My Doctor offered to help and get me into a refuge. I refused because that wasn't for people like me, the abuse wasn't bad enough etc etc etc. I wish I had done it. I finally got away and now (11 years later) can see that the abuse was bad enough and I could have saved my children from the situation years earlier and possibly avoided the mental health issues we all have. I am happy now but the children still suffer. Ex still tries to bully me occasionally, but I am now strong enough, and have learned from Mumsnet how to deal with him. Just get away, please.

Badvoc123 · 11/09/2014 09:27

Please don't minimise this.
Phone WA.
They are there to help abuse victims...like you.

starlight1234 · 11/09/2014 09:31

I got a place in a refuge and felt simular to you. Althought there had been violence it was more about control . My breaking point Ex was trashing house and DS was scared. After a few weeks of feeling different I realised I was exactly the same as some of the other women.

Call them they are a great organisation who even if you don't feel you need to go to a refuge can help get you out safely.

WellWhoKnew · 11/09/2014 10:54

Curly: I wonder if you can change your attitude (not that it's wrong) but from 'he won't admit, he thinks, he will do x'.

To: I no longer like being in this marriage, I don't find my husband's behaviour acceptable, in fact it makes me miserable. I want to get out but I don't know how.

WA know how - they can advise you of all the benefits you needs to look into, if you've never had recourse to them before.

They can tell you how he may attempt to change your mind.

They can tell you about solicitors in your area that you can talk to about what happens in divorce and the financial split/likely child arrangements.

They do this freely because they recognise the unnecessary feelings of despair and hopelessness that being in a bad marriage renders in a woman, who more often than not is financially dependent on their spouse, and more often than not is extremely anxious about the effects of divorce on the children.

Think of it this way: you only know your marriage and its impact on you. They know thousands and thousands of women, know what you've got in common with other unhealthy marriages, learnt the lessons for you and just waiting for you to put your hand up and say 'Please, Can I come out now?'

They haven't built up all that knowledge to just describe it. They have built up all that knowledge because they want to reverse the damage of abuse, prevent it happening again, and because they know where the helps is that you so vitally need.

What I've noticed all too often in women in shit marriages is too much emphasis is put on what 'he thinks' because they've had too many years of being told what to think. It is the scariest thing to say for the first time: 'despite what you think, I know...'.

WA doesn't care what 'he thinks' either. They help you because they know how and you fulfil their criteria: You're a woman.

tipsytrifle · 11/09/2014 12:30

I'm safe but it's horrible, he will turn on me...

So in light of what you said there, Curly - you are NOT safe!

You really would be doing the right thing to call Women's Aid. Their lines are often quite busy so keep on and on until you get through. They will help you.

WellWhoKnew put it very well in her post above ...

captainmummy · 11/09/2014 12:37

PHONE WA! They are called WOMENS AID for a reason - it's not just abuse. It's for women.

Phone them, just to talk it through. Then you have someone on your side in RL who knows what you are going through, and can advise, assist - ytou don't necessarily need to go into a refuge!

Vivacia · 11/09/2014 13:01

Why don't you ring Women's Aid and let them decide whether you meet the criteria or not.

Why are you worried about starting this thread? Is there a chance he will read it?

KittenOverlord · 11/09/2014 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurlyWurlyCake · 12/09/2014 08:25

Thank you for all the replies. I would never have called for help but I'm going to do it today, I have to.

It's turned into a big guilt trip, albeit a silent one for now. Apparently I've made my feelings clear and I don't need to know what he thinks or feels and he won't move out.

So here we all are, silent and unhappy but more importantly very confused (older) children.

What do I do about cooking and cleaning, I think he should sort himself out when he gets home in the evening so he has taken to not eating anything and the DC asking if I'm cooking daddy dinner - they eat earlier.

Off to work now

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 12/09/2014 09:40

If, you have decided to separate, then sometimes, depending on the tenancy/mortgage, it means you separate but remain under the same house.

This means you must not cook, do laundry or paperwork for them. You have to live in separate bedrooms so that in essence you are house-sharing (albeit with the flat-mate from hell).

If you're still in two minds about what to do, get advice from WA and act on it as depending on what kind of abusive man you're with, different actions can have different consequences.

Have a lovely day at work and take care of yourself.

starlight1234 · 12/09/2014 14:12

just please be aware. The time abuse can escalate when he thinks he may lose/have lost control over you.

It sounds like he is happy to drag your children into it.

Hope your phone call is helpful

CurlyWurlyCake · 12/09/2014 19:00

I didn't get to make my call today. Work was busy and I can't do it with the DC here.

Although on Thursday morning DD was upset as she had heard us arguing the night before, this upset me and I'm afraid we both cried when I signed her into the office. The school counsellor called me today to see if I wanted to have a chat about why we were both so upset. I'm seeing her on Monday morning before work.

He hasn't come home, probably down the pub. I've done clubs with the DC, we have eaten and are about to wash up, and I have some wine for me in the fridge. It's been lovely and I honestly don't care where he is, who he is with or what he is doing, I'm just glad of the space to relax. And hope he doesn't come back, although what do I say to the children!?

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 12/09/2014 20:03

Firstly WA is 24 hour so if the little one gets off to bed, you might find you can chat then. I realise there's no urgency, and they can get busy at peak periods (when the kid's have gone to bed!) but glad to read that you're willing to chat to them.

Great that you've got the school counsellor involved. To be crying in front of your child, and at school, is a real example of how low you must be feeling - I'm so sorry, love.

Your question about what to say to the children: are you referring to the argument you had last night? Or that you want to separate?

Can you tell us how old your children are (approx)

GarlicSeptimus · 12/09/2014 20:20

When your so much happier without your spouse, it tells you all you need to know, doesn't it?

My sympathies, too, over Thursday morning. I think it's constructive that you'll be talking with the counsellor Flowers

Think how lovely it'll be when all your evenings are like this evening! Do, please call WA, it'll help you straighten your thoughts.

Justatoe · 12/09/2014 20:51

I left & every hour of every day is like your evening when he is out. Stay strong

CurlyWurlyCake · 12/09/2014 21:44

He is home and was being a matre with the DC over not eating anything since yesterday morning. Is it just me that thinks if a grown man can't make himself something to eat when he is hungry or decided to come home is plain pathetic?

DC now in bed, he is dozing on the sofa but keeps waking up so I better log off incase it kicks off since he has been down the pub. Thank you for being here with me though x

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 12/09/2014 21:47

I'm still here.

Shlurpbop · 12/09/2014 21:52

Will be thinking of you and hoping you manage to make the call to WA , for you and your children. Keep safe x

GarlicSeptimus · 13/09/2014 00:13

Is it just me that thinks if a grown man can't make himself something to eat when he is hungry or decided to come home is plain pathetic?

Obviously not just you Grin It's absurd, and it's reasonable to tell the children so - they might rely on adults for food, but need to know that adults feed themselves!

Zazzles007 · 13/09/2014 00:42

Is it just me that thinks if a grown man can't make himself something to eat when he is hungry or decided to come home is plain pathetic?

Fuck me, he clearly thinks he is also one of your children that you have to take care of. Fucking infantile!

Curly I am glad you have reached out on MN for support and validation. What you think and believe is worth fighting for. He sounds like a mentally and emotionally abusive arse, and you would be well rid.

Strength and courage to you, Curly Thanks.

CurlyWurlyCake · 13/09/2014 23:18

I was going to leave this thread to die after today because a part of me is shamed to be posting we are back to normal (?!) until the next time and the other side of me knows it for what it is.

So I'm hoping this helps others when it doesn't follow the plan we want it todo but for peace and some rest bite we go with it.

Had a lovely day today and just want to log it so I can log the time between it going wrong again.

OP posts:
GarlicSeptimus · 13/09/2014 23:31

Good idea :) Keep posting!

CurlyWurlyCake · 13/09/2014 23:41

Phew, thank you Garlic

The DC are so pleased they pissed off for a sleep over Hmm Grin

We have had a Lovely family day, for once and I have just said no arguments and I hope he can respect my feelings and sleep in one of the many spare beds tonight, ie not the sofa. I appreciate the nice day but it ends for bedtime.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/09/2014 10:12

The thread will stay here curly, and you can keep posting for support. Nobody expects you to see a solicitor and kick him out immediately, and if you never do that's your choice. Don't feel you have to stop posting because you haven't done what posters expect you to do, but do keep posting because as you do know he will ramp it up again and you need support.