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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

,I think my husband just told me of past abuse

34 replies

Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:10

And now everything makes sense.

Sorry for the crappy name change, I've had a bit to drink.

I don't know how the subject got on to it, bit my husband of three years just told me he'd been abused three times as a child.

He only told me of one instance, when he was 6, in a tent by his sisters friend (she is 5 years older).

He wouldn't tell me anymore. I am torn between respecting his privacy and needing to know.

We have had sexual problems. He doesn't like me to initiate, and obviously now I know why. I feel like crap. I've been pushing him about our sporadic sex life.

He says he doesn't want to talk about it. I am in tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:11

I love him, I want to protect him. I feel so bad.

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DeeDeeMe · 09/09/2014 22:15

My DH experienced similar, try and support him - DON'T push him for answers, wait for the right time to coax him.

dadwood · 09/09/2014 22:16

He has told you, and he has been holding on to it for years, maybe he doesn't want to talk about it right now, and will later.

CurlyWurlyCake · 09/09/2014 22:17

It's lovely that he feels he can confide in you.

Have you both been drinking? If so then tonight may not be the time to see if he wants to tell you more.

If he was only 6 and the sisters friend was only 11 it is quite sad on both accouns isn't it.

I have a six year old sleeping safely upstairs right now Sad

Give him time and space to be able to open up to you. Thanks

Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:21

I feel shot though. Our sex life has always been sporadic and shit. And I've argued about it. And now I can see why.

Yes, both had a drink, baby in bed since seven. He's gone to bed I am still up.

Christ, I feel so bad for him and for pushing him about sex.

I can't stop crying.

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Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:22

*shit.

Sorry for typos. I've had a drink.

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Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:23

He said he only ever told one friend. I want to kill whoever did these things to him. A six year old little boy. He's not said who the others are.

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dadwood · 09/09/2014 22:24

You didn't know!

CurlyWurlyCake · 09/09/2014 22:25

Don't ever feel bad. You didn't know!

Now you know and now you can start supporting him, give him time and space to open up.

What happened when he was 6, if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:27

He just said he was 'interfered with in a tent' and didn't say anymore.

He said there were three times, but that was the only one he spoke about.

I still feel like shite, it all makes sense now.

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Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:29

I just want to go to bed and hug him but I cant stop sobbing for him,

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cafesociety · 09/09/2014 22:37

It's often the bad times which bring us closer. So sorry this happened and I'm sure you will help him heal, now you know about it. You know more of the whole person.

I agree to let him tell more in his own time. He will open up and this has been a big step for him. He will need to recover though, as he has just revisited something painful.

Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:39

I hope someone sees this later/in the morning, I need help.

Dh is a total sweep it under the carpet type person.

I've posted about him and our various problems before under my usual name. Sadly, those problems now make sense.

I fee l like my life has imploded. I don't know what to do.

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CurlyWurlyCake · 09/09/2014 22:40

It's a shock for you and probably a shock for him so take time to recover. He may be upstairs wondering if you will go to him.

Maybe go to bed and get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings.

His sisters friend would have only been 11 so god knows what she may have gone through to think what she did was normal behaviour xx

Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:40

God, that sounded so 'me me me'. But honestly, I don't know what to do.

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Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:42

Honestly, there have been so many issues. Now I know why.

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feelcrappy · 09/09/2014 22:45

I would tell him your glad he felt able to tell you and that you love him and that it wasn't his fault
obvious but can help to hear it

and that you will be there to support him anyway you can, and your here to listen when he's ready

its great op that he felt he could open up to you

just take it slow, be calm, and just listen

good luck

mineofuselessinformation · 09/09/2014 22:46

Let it lie for now. He's done a huge thing in telling you, but has told you as much as he can ATM. Maybe he will in time.
You're upset because someone you love has been hurt, but remember that he's still here, and he has you. Don't blame yourself for the past - you didn't know what happened. You do now, and you can move forward together.

Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:49

Yes bit I feel shit. I've made a huge issue over lack of sex. About him not liking it if I initiate, and bloody hell, now I get it. I feel awful. For him, my god for him, he says he was six, and for us now.

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captaincollie · 09/09/2014 22:49

Oh my dear, and your poor DH. I had this several years ago with an ex. We were in a pub and he suddenly told me, totally out of the blue, that he'd been sexually and physically abused by his mother who was an alcoholic before she died. It completely floored me. I'd had no idea but once he told me things made sense.

Don't feel bad, the pieces have fallen into place and now you know you can support him. I got my ex to go for counselling which he said it helped him a great deal. Don't force him to tell you stuff, just allow it to come out and be reassuring when it does, try not to get too upset as he might refuse to tell you for fear of upsetting you.

It's OK, don't worry. >hugs

Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:51

He's so angry all the time.

My father abused me as a child (dh knows nothing, pot, kettle?) I know now where it must come from. But am I reading to much into it? This is so hard.

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CurlyWurlyCake · 09/09/2014 22:56

Wow

That is a lot of hidden past on both parts isn't it? It's good that you are talking to each other, it makes a relationship stronger when you understand each other.

No expert here Grin just didn't want you to feel alone.

Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:57

Yep, no one knows about my dad. Not my ex (father of my son) and not dh.

Bloody hell. I never expected that, although a few on mn suspected a while ago!

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dadwood · 09/09/2014 22:59

Sounds like a case for some specialist counselling! Each. Would that be possible?

Original poster
Edtfdess · 09/09/2014 22:59

God, dd wakes for a feed at 3. I should be asleep but I can't.

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