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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

finding enough time together?

30 replies

sherherazade · 08/09/2014 21:47

How do you as 2 single parents?

We live an hour apart, he has his dd 2/3 nights a week, we each have other commitments one night a week, which leaves us with 2/3 nights together. There's no possibility of us living together for 5 years plus, and meeting his dd is still a few months away. Finding increasingly that the time we have together isn't quite enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

sherherazade · 08/09/2014 22:14

Anyone?

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Cabrinha · 08/09/2014 22:33

Probably not much help as I'm in the 2 single parents position, live much closer but work sort of opposite days. We see each other about once every 10 days!

Was talking to a friend who is now married, but said had her now husband not moved to her town, it would have ended even though it was something good.

2/3 nights a week sounds quite good... Tbh, that'd suit me with someone where there wasn't the single parent or distance issues!

Why is not 4 night night on his 2 nights with kids weeks?

I don't see how anyone can advise, as it's all so specific to one couple's lives.

But I can at least offer sympathy! It's bloody hard, dating when you've got kids. Hope you can work it out.

Original poster

sherherazade · 08/09/2014 22:48

Thanks for the sympathy. It is an individual thing i guess, i know i couldn't do once every 10 days! I think we struggle because its been 2-3 nights right from the start, after 6 months it feels it should be more somehow.

We each have a (longstanding) eve commitment one night a week, different nights unfortunately. That leaves 5 nights which are 3 with his DD, 2 with me or vice versa depending on the week.

Its an inconvenience more than a problem I guess, on the one hand we definitely don't want to live together for several years even if it were possible sooner, but on the other there just doesn't seem to be quite enough time. I think perhaps in future one of us may have to relinquish our eve commitment?

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crazylady321 · 08/09/2014 23:10

Hellooo. Can totally sympathise as ive been in this situation, Me and my DP went 1 year with just seeing each other properly for 1 night a week and then I felt like I was a mistress or something when he would leave me early in mornings for work, what with both or parental duties, both our work it was so bloody hard. We are now living together but I wouldnt advise it just for the sake of seeing him, it felt like it was the next step for us after I found out I was pregnant.

I cant really suggest anything to help you as its your personal situation what works for one doesnt another, but can list a few things we used to do to try and spend time with each other.

He drives past my house on way home from work so would nip in for a coffee 2/3 times per week, was awkward at first as the kids only knew him has my friend

We would meet up for a date in a pub with a play area, the kids just thought I was meeting up with my friend. Also met up a few times with his son and my kids at soft plays on a Saturday if he wasnt working.

My kids are usually with there dad on a weekend and thats when he has his son not always a full weekend but at some point he would be with him, he lived with his parents so luckilly they would help him out quite a bit while he was working and occasionally his mum would look after his son so we could go for a meal or something.

On a sunday afternoon we would try catch a couple hours too if we were child free or not working we would just go for walks in the country with the dogs or out for Sunday dinner or something. Sometimes just watch a dvd snuggled up :)

I realise my situation is different and the kids knew him before via our next door neighbours so he wasnt a total stranger they just thought we were friends. I know its good to keep kids and partners seperate but I imagine once you have all met each other it might take a bit of pressure away? I appreciate too that the distance is a problem, could you ever meet half way just for a couple of hours or something?

Original poster

sherherazade · 09/09/2014 06:28

He's already met my DC, on the weeks when i see him. 3 times one of those is usually him coming to mine when the DC are here. I suppose once his DD is ready, that will be another opportunity but as I've said that is probably still a few months off.

The evenings we each have our other commitments we are busy from roughly 7-10, so ots not really possible to meet before or after. And on all the days/eves we're free of commitments and dc, we are seeing each other already. Its difficult.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/09/2014 07:56

What's the problem with his DD knowing about you exactly? Isn't he allowed to have friends?

Original poster

sherherazade · 09/09/2014 08:32

She is quite young (though not young enough for me to be passed off as a friend). She has really struggled with the divorce and so we don't want to risk an introduction before she's ready as she may well find it quite difficult/ upsetting.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/09/2014 08:35

I wouldn't suggest deliberately upsetting children but how long have you been seeing each other and how long has it been since he split from his wife?

Original poster

sherherazade · 09/09/2014 08:45

They split up just over a year ago, we've been together for 6 months (I was nothing to do with the split, by the time I met him they were already midway through the divorce).

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/09/2014 08:56

With those kinds of timescales I don't think anyone could accuse either of you of being insensitive if he introduced you to his DD as a friend. Not talking about sleeping over or acting like teenagers. Might have to be somewhere out of the home initially. But it's getting in the way of both you and he leading normal lives and sometimes the tiptoeing has to stop & kids just have to suck it up and deal with it. How old is his DD?

crazylady321 · 09/09/2014 09:45

How old is his dd? My eldest was 7 when I got with OH dont think she ever cottoned on to the fact we were more than friends, but I do have a few male friends so meeting a man with his child at soft play would mean nothing to her :)

Original poster

sherherazade · 09/09/2014 12:31

She is 8. He doesn't have any female friends, so I think she probably would guess. Plus I suspect if she went home saying she'd met a friend of daddy's, she would be told that I was a girlfriend not just a friend. So really we need to both feel sure she would be ok with the idea we're more than friends before she meets me. Just don't quite think she's ready yet.

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rb32 · 09/09/2014 13:08

OP, sounds like you're just going to have to hang on in there for a while yet. Don't stress about it, if you two are really meant to be together then you'll have years and years of living together ahead.

kaykayblue · 09/09/2014 13:51

As a general question - does his wife know about you, and she is fine with the fact that you are together?

Simply because if that was the case, then it would be much easier for you to meet his dd, as she would be getting comforting messages from both parents that it was okay, and she wouldn't end up feeling torn.

To be honest I think a year post split is definitely enough time. I don't think a parent ever really knows when their child is "ready" to meet a new partner. You just have to go with it.

Overall though it seems like you both spend a decent amount of time together for a relationship of six months. I know it must be frustrating, but it really isn't that bad! When I first got with my partner we saw each other every other weekend, and until last year, it was only at weekends due to distance.

You just get used to it :)

crazylady321 · 09/09/2014 22:07

Dont hold me to it but you may be worrying over nothing with the daughter, she might be fine with it. Has her mum met a new chap yet?

Original poster

sherherazade · 10/09/2014 07:22

His XW doesn't know about me. She may well suspect he has met someone by now, but they are not on civil/ speaking terms, so he certainly hasn't told her directly. Similarly he wouldn't know if she has met someone else. That's possible although if she has she hasn't introduced him to their DD either (because DD would definitely have mentioned it).

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 07:32

He's starting to sound cowardly.

Original poster

sherherazade · 10/09/2014 07:47

Why cowardly?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 08:13

Cowardly because he's been with you six months and he's keeping quiet about your existence, both to his exW and DD. All he has to say to exW is 'I'm dating again' and then they can work on something appropriate to tell DD between them. Has he ever introduced you to friends? Workmates? His family (parents, siblings etc)?

crazylady321 · 10/09/2014 09:45

CogitoErgoSometimes I kind of agree with you here after 6 months together if hes serious he deffinately needs to start showing willing. He may not be on speaking terms with the ex and thats fine but he could just drop her a txt and say something along the lines of -
"Ive met someone and been together a while now I feel its time dd knows about her and hopefully meet her in the near future, could I have your support in getting her prepared"
Or something along those lines

rb32 · 10/09/2014 11:00

Cog,Crazy.....I agree in principle, but in general the women always hold the cards when it comes to children. If he and his ex are not on speaking terms then he might be very very worried about rocking the boat. It's a scary situation for a father and I think it's understandable that he's playing it cautiously. Doesn't help the OP though!

Original poster

sherherazade · 10/09/2014 17:40

He and his XW aren't on speaking terms, so contacting her specifically about me might seem a bit odd. I am not on speaking terms with my XH either and I would never discuss my relationship status with him or vice versa. Telling the X would only help if they were likely to be supportive - which when you are not even able to have a conversation is pretty unlikely.

We have talked about it and both agree it's too soon for his DD. She is still adjusting to the split.

FWIW I've met friends and family, the latter also think we should leave any meeting for a while longer.

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crazylady321 · 10/09/2014 17:45

rb32 Oh I know my OH and his ex arent on good terms so know how difficult it is and know a lot of women hold the cards, it was just a suggestion as not all women are that bad really I know ive been supportive of my ex and his new partner he always kept me in the loop which I was greatful for

crazylady321 · 10/09/2014 17:46

sherherazade Guess its just a waiting game then :)

Original poster

sherherazade · 10/09/2014 20:49

Yes, I think so, another couple of months hopefully. I'd like us to have started the process before Xmas certainly.

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