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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where would i find a (non legally binding) template for separation from husband

30 replies

Madaboutcake · 08/09/2014 16:24

Hi

my husband has decided to end the marriage and will be moving out this month. I will retain care of the children and am also the sole breadwinner. He has agreed not to force sale of the house for 12 months and has said he will continue to do school pick-ups, school holidays plus some of the gardening. For this "privilege" I get to pay him £1500 per month. Sorry if I sound bitter - I am now in my angry phase! What I would like is a draft agreement that will suit us for this 12 month phase so he confirms this for the £1500, but also confirms I will deduct costs from this allowance if he reneges on his responsibilities so that I can then pay for childcare and gardening. Does anyone know where I can get such a document from - I tried Googling but it's just adverts from solicitors.

Also, any comments or advice on how to protect myself after 12 months is welcome - I have been married 22 years and am very naïve about divorce. Apparently he is entitled to 50% of the assets, which I find upsetting as he only has to support himself and the house is also my pension.

Thanks Sad

OP posts:
nomoretether · 08/09/2014 16:28

Umm, I strongly suggest you get some proper legal advice. You're paying him to look after his own children?

Nulliferous · 08/09/2014 16:31

See a solicitor. DON'T get your legal advice from strangers on the internet.

You're angry - good. Now get organised.

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 08/09/2014 16:31

You need proper legal advice asap. Your husband may be entitled to more than 50% if his earnings are lower than yours and he is the children's primary carer.

Original poster
Madaboutcake · 08/09/2014 16:31

He hasn't worked in 10 years so if I want to avoid him trying to force the sale of the house now to get cash I don't see another way of doing it.... Can you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Madaboutcake · 08/09/2014 16:35

Hi Goodboy, he is leaving the kids with me so i hope he won't be classed as the primary carer. In reality I will do several of the school runs and I will be in charge from as soon as I get home from work. I also look after them at the weekend. He also has a degenerative health issue so wouldn't get custody. This also means whatever equity he does get will go to the government to offset the care fees that will be incurred when this time is due - madness! Angry

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2014 16:38

Get proper legal advice rather than trying to DIY this. It's quite possible to work out the details between yourselves or via mediation and not involve lawyers but you need to get legal advice to make sure what you're agreeing is fair, reasonable and can't be reneged upon.

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 08/09/2014 16:39

I think you need to get something in place that is legally binding asap.

It may be worth looking in to mediation as well.

should · 08/09/2014 16:43

Oh my god tell him he can ram his £1500 up his arse!

Seriously, there no way you should be agreeing anything with him without proper legal advice. He is trying to shaft you (and the kids, by default)

What a weasel!

Greenrememberedhills · 08/09/2014 16:44

The thing is, if you are keeping the children he would be very unlikely to succeed in forcing a sale.

You need legal advice, regardless.

Greenrememberedhills · 08/09/2014 16:44

The thing is, if you are keeping the children he would be very unlikely to succeed in forcing a sale.

You need legal advice, regardless.

Original poster
Madaboutcake · 08/09/2014 16:51

Thanks for all the comments - it is so warming to have you all taking the trouble to advise. My concern is if I don't pay him he won't move out and/or he will incur huge legal fees in trying to force an agreement, which I will end up paying because he has no income.

Ref the house, I have had different advice. I did consult a lawyer and her view was that he is entitled to 50% as a starting position and it's up to me to show why I need more (but it wouldn't massively swing it my way). Either way if I cannot afford to pay him his share i would have to sell the house as long as the children are provided for in a house (but not necessarily this one). My sister spoke to a lawyer informally who said he can't force the sale of the house because he has a responsibility to maintain this family home until they leave full time education. So, even though I have consulted lawyers I get different points of view from each of them!! Anyone got real experience of either being able to keep or been forced to sell?

OP posts:
should · 08/09/2014 16:59

Get a recommendation for a really shit hot divorce lawyer and let them tell you what to do.

I have no idea of the ins and outs of divorce law or selling a home, as I was the one who moved out with DS and DD. However, I DO have plenty of experience of arsehole exes who tell you black is white to play on your fears and emotions and screw you over completely.

Do not let it happen! Get wise, and quickly.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 17:03

The lawyer you consulted is correct: he would be entitled to ask for 50% as a starting position for negotiation. You are not compelled to agree, most especially while you have sole responsibility for providing the income to maintain and house them.

He could only force a sale of the family home though going to court. That takes money. Rather a lot of it. Google a "Mesher Order".

What would I do in your position? Agree verbally to provide him with some income but as soon as you've got the locks changed, review it. PUT NOTHING IN WRITING! No-one "needs" 1500 a month if they're single. If he suffers from a degenerative condition it's likely he'd qualify or IB/PIP or whatever it's called. He's the one who's decided to end the marriage so he can apply himself to figure out how to support himself without parasiting off you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2014 17:06

"My concern is if I don't pay him he won't move out and/or he will incur huge legal fees in trying to force an agreement"

You can get a lot of legal advice for £1500/month

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2014 17:13

" So, even though I have consulted lawyers I get different points of view from each of them!!"

BTW.. when this happens, go with the lawyer whose view chimes most with your own wishes.

magoria · 08/09/2014 17:22

Don't do it. Go down the legal route. Yes starting point is 50/50 but this is then adjusted towards the needs of the children.

£1.5k a month over a year is £18k. That will go a long long way to a solicitor.

mamalino · 08/09/2014 17:32

Why on earth would you NOT want a lawyer? If you can afford to pay him the £1500 you can afford some proper legal advice and it may well save you lots more long term.

Original poster
Madaboutcake · 08/09/2014 17:35

Magoria, (and anyone!) do you know how it is adjusted? My eldest goes to uni next year and my youngest is still in primary school. Plus I am self employed so the equity is my pension. He is effectively single but will want to kids to stay occasionally and therefore only really needs a two bed flat. I will also need to factor in that I will need an au pair as his condition worsens and he won't be able to do the childcare.

Based on everyone's feedback so far I have decided to call my lawyer tomorrow. Trouble is he has signed an agreement on a one bed house and I have to act as guarantor as he has no income!

This is what I get for being an independent woman Angry

OP posts:
should · 08/09/2014 17:43

Do you have to act as guarantor? Have you signed anything? Don't be rushed into bad decisions.

myfriendflickadee · 08/09/2014 17:44

I think any legal fees he incurs are paid by him out of his settlement usually (unless costs are awarded against you, for example, if you have been obstructive throughout proceedings).

You definitely need to get proper legal advice.

Is your husband being reasonable? I mean is he amenable to working out a fair settlement that is in everyone's best interests rather than do you think his proposal is reasonable.

Perhaps he would agree to a private mortgage where you buy him out of his share of the equity in your home, thereby providing him with an income. Rather than "giving" him £1500 a month, you could be buying him out. You could at least propose that any money you give him now should be considered to be part of his settlement.

getthefeckouttahere · 08/09/2014 17:51

I'm glad that you have taken the advice, now just let your lawyer do their stuff, don't flinch as costs rise, which they will. Your situation is unique to you and needs to be resolved in a binding and legally watertight, and hopefully fair agreement.

Stop assuming things..... i have to act as guarantor/i will have to pay his fees/he can/can't force me to sell the house etc etc

This can all be sorted out by your solicitor, i would suggest that you do not sign or agree to anything at this moment, stop rushing things will sort themselves out. Good luck.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 17:56

I would advise you in the strongest terms possible NOT TO act as his guarantor. Once you've signed the Deed you are totally responsible for the whole of the rent for the entire duration of his tenancy. That could be years.

And it naturally follows that should you not continue to pay him the princely sum of 1500 A MONTH he then claims he can't afford the rent, so won't be paying it and you will be. He could receive that 1500 and still not pay his rent because he's an arsehole and you'd still be liable for it. Far, FAR TOO RISKY!

This is a totally dreadful deal and if possible you should put off his departure until you have a better idea of the way forward.

HerRoyalNotness · 08/09/2014 17:59

Do not act as guarantor.

I would also be very wary of paying him anything at all until you've seen a lawyer, even in the short term, as it may be seen that you are paying spousal support and be ordered to keep paying it!

I would get in place now after school care and a gardener and whatever else you need and not use your STBX for any of this, you may be stuck with this arrangement far longer than you want/should be.

Lunastarfish · 08/09/2014 18:01

There is absolutely no point in a non legally binding agreement. If it's not binding and he doesn't comply, you can't do anything about it! See a lawyer

should · 08/09/2014 18:11

Agreed, pay nothing until you've had advice. My lawyer told me that if I agree to make or accept payments from my ex then I would have to prove in court why I wanted to vary the agreement, if I later wanted to vary it.

So any payments you make may be regarded as a binding agreement into the future, even if the amount of those payments is an awful lot more than your ex is entitled to.

What I can't get over is that HE wants to leave, so why are you being so accommodating to him? Let him stand on his own two feet if he wants to go it alone!

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