How do I move forward with a friend who I really fancy?

[Rubberleg]

Dear Mumsnetters,

You've always been soo clear and honest that I need to come to you once again with my current dilemma:

I met a guy while out drinking at the beginning of summer and while we fell into bed with each other for fun, I was hoping we'd meet up and begin a kind of romance. I said to him that if he wasn't keen, to let me know. So he said no, I he wasn't keen. At that point, I left it, destroyed his number and began my exam prep for law school. A month later I received a text asking if I'd like to meet up.

I couldn't say no. I hadn't thought of anyone else since so I rather hoped he had come round to the idea of dating. But no, when after one night out I suggested we go back to his (rather forward of me I know) he said not really. I promised I would try to be a good friend. So began the beginnig of a beautiful friendship. We went for walks, talked loads, met at gigs and went swimming together. He remained completely platonic yet seemed to like me as he would often text and suggest doing things.

I got to a point where I could feel myself beeing drawn into his world. I was developing stronger and deeper feelings for this guy without sex being on the agenda.

It got to the point a month ago where I tried to open up about my feelings once again, but this time within a text. I said I was falling for him. He avoided the topic. So one Friday night I asked him what he thought of my text and he held out his hand for me to shake it and may have said: friends? I said I didn't want to be just friends. He walked away and I left feeling absolutely awful.
I then texted to say ofcourse I couldn't deny his friendship but I said I had it my head that I wanted to be more than friends, but I was sorry to act like a spanner by getting drunk and being a bit ridiculous ( apparently I was being confrontational). He replied saying 'not a problem for him', said he's been burning the candle too much and needs to chill out.
I thought he'd finally got the message, and would perhaps cool off. Low and behold, within hours of the next day, I get a text asking me do I fancy a game of tennis?
I said yes and all is back to how it was.
I know I have exams coming up and that at some point I'll be preparing for interview, then starting school. But I just feel crazy about this guy.
I'm 45 years old he's 46. We're not kids anymore, but I am certainly not sounding like a sane adult.

Please, please, advise me. Last night we attended a charity event together and yes, he seemed to be noticing a busty brunette who gave a speech but I notice every woman who walks in the room because she is a potential threat. Yet we also bumped into someone who said she knew me because he'd shown her a picture of me. I smiled but said nothing. He reminded me it was that time we had been together (as in, it was no big deal) so I shrugged it off.
But do you see how I can turn innocent actions into eventful possibilities?
Facts for:

1. He always contacts me

2.He seems to open up and has said once that he shares certain things with me that no one else has known

1. He takes my advice and seems to want to please me

Facts against:

1. He goes out drinking alot and I think he does sleep with random women
2. He was dating right before he met me
3. He avoids talking about my feelings for him
4. He never invites me up to his place (apart from right at the beginning)
5. He often goes out at weekends partying without asking me
6. He's new to these parts and wants to make as many friends as possible

Yours

Rubberleg

I'm 45 years old he's 46

I really wasn't expecting that...

Cut all contact and concentrate on your exams.

Op, this couldn't be any more clear cut. He's told you in both actions and words he's not interested a romantic relationship.

Oh god. I am behaving like an idiot aren't I. It feels counterintuitive to say no to someone I have so much feeling for...but yes, I thought I had to come clean

You are clutching at straws. He isn't interested in you and he has made that clear. What he is offering you is friendship. It isn't ever going to be more than that and at the moment you are trying desperately to find signs that it will be. What will happen if you continue with this is that you will live in this fantasy of what might be until he meets someone whom he fancies and gets together with them and then you will have the pain of watching him be the person with her that you wish he was with you.

The best thing to do is cut him off and move on with your life. Forget friendship for now, you can come back to it later if circumstances change.

Cut him off, concentrate on the exams and job interviews.

If it really bothers him, he'll come back to you to say his feelings are stronger than he thought, and if he doesn't, then you haven't wasted any more time on him.

1. He always contacts me - has he got many other people in his life?

2.He seems to open up and has said once that he shares certain things with me that no one else has known - your role in his life is to be the snack between meals. The woman he can be friends with without ruining his appetite for when The Next Girlfriend happens along.

1. He takes my advice and seems to want to please me - not sure why you'd read much into this, as you admit, you're grasping at straws.

Boy, do I feel like a fool!

Just one question, sorry if this is all elementary:

If he asks why I'm not available, do I tell him that it's because I can't deal with just friendship and need to cool off abit, or...?

It's just that, we are developing quite a nice bond...and see each other more or less on a weekly basis

To Gilbert..

He is getting to know people...

Why are you feeding this guys ego? Just be busy for the forseeable, you don't have to give a reason.

You don't have to let yourself be used, you know.

You've tried being friends and it's just not working for you.

I would tell him you need to concentrate on yourself right now and stop being so available.

It sucks but it's not like he's leading you on. I often contact my friends to meet up. It doesn't mean I'm giving them mixed signals!

I would just be busy for the next while. Don't feed his ego by telling him the real reason.

Him being in my life has resurged many feelings of yearning and loss, and then unfulfillment. I feel pulled in all directions but cannot seemed to break free..
I guess the thought of giving him up and even having to turn him down is letting go of a very beautiful dream or fantasy, one whick is holding me up right now, albeit by the scruff of my neck.

And yes, I sound like a right old fool

Hearing you all loud and clear!

I'm terrified of letting him go. And I don't know why.

But still, need to buck up and move forward, right

I can't see what good having any more contact with him will bring to your life.

He has told you in clear terms that he only wants to be friends. You need to stop trying to read between the lines looking for clues that he feels differently. He doesn't.

I think he is being an unwise and unhelpful friend by continuing to contact you. Were I in his position I would cut contact way down, I wouldn't keep trying to see a person who had confessed to having a crush on me.

Stay busy, don't reply to his messages and fill your life with other activities.

I think you have been very brave. You don't sound like a fool. You had feelings for somebody and you're honest with yourself. You're not messing him around.

he on the other hand sounds like he doesn't know his ass from his elbow. He slept with you when he didn't know you at all. So there must have been some level of attraction there. NOw that he knows you and likes you, he has friend zoned you. it is confusing, and upsetting for you, and he must be a bit thick if he can't see that he's confusing you. But still and all, I think he has unfortunatley friendzoned you. I think I'd tell him that you have lots of friends and you aren't looking for more male platonic friends.

You are honest and you don't go round in circles talking riddles. I admire you. You will get what you deserve in the end I think

(but with a different man who is certain he feels that way about you)

I'm terrified of letting him go. And I don't know why

Well, because you have feelings for him. And it sounds like you have a great friendship!

He doesn't mistreat you, does he?

The problem is only that you want different things.

I think; don't have a big dramatic 'letting him go' scene. Just use your valid reasons to back off.

Either he'll realise what he's missing, you'll decide that you can just be friends or that you don't need him as much as you think!

Good all round!

Btw, I'm not always available. I often say no as I am studying most weekends. He seems to understand it by not hassling me in the slightest.

Yes. Yes and yes. Many good points with a clear consensus :

that backing off is the right thing to do

that being quiet about backing off is equally a good thing in order not to inflate egos nor create extended drama

that at some point, this old sock will meet the right old shoe.

To FOssil,

Thank you for believing in me

that at some point, this old sock will meet the right old shoe

Love this, but you're not old!

I say this with all love to you Rubber - he is just not that into you. I saw my precious sister go through this for 2 years. He liked her well enough, enjoyed sex with her, sought her out for social events - she kidded herself that he was just on the rebound/not ready/being cautious and when he was 'in the right place' they would be together. In the end, she stalked away sure he would follow - he didn't. Within 4mths he was living with someone else. IF HE WANTED TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND HE WOULD BE

She and you are the also ran, I am so sorry, not meaning to be cruel - you are not quite GF material but close enough to feed the ego, spend time with while he waits for the dream woman to come along.

Walk away would be my advice

Having been in a similar situation myself I dealt with it by saying he can't 'playing' with me and being in touch as and when he pleases as it's not fair. I then said that if he can't give me what I want (a proper relationship) then I have to ask him to not contact me. It hurt like hell at first, but those first two weeks made me feel strong and in control!

I'd back off Rubber.

He's made himself perfectly clear, and you can't be enjoying 'viewing every woman as a potential threat' it must be exhausting. As a PP said, stop feeding his ego.

No dramatic 'dumping' just back off a bit!

You've got my back- I love that

I'll let you know how it goes (smiley, slight embarrassed face)