How do I move forward with a friend who I really fancy?

[Rubberleg]

Dear Mumsnetters,

You've always been soo clear and honest that I need to come to you once again with my current dilemma:

I met a guy while out drinking at the beginning of summer and while we fell into bed with each other for fun, I was hoping we'd meet up and begin a kind of romance. I said to him that if he wasn't keen, to let me know. So he said no, I he wasn't keen. At that point, I left it, destroyed his number and began my exam prep for law school. A month later I received a text asking if I'd like to meet up.

I couldn't say no. I hadn't thought of anyone else since so I rather hoped he had come round to the idea of dating. But no, when after one night out I suggested we go back to his (rather forward of me I know) he said not really. I promised I would try to be a good friend. So began the beginnig of a beautiful friendship. We went for walks, talked loads, met at gigs and went swimming together. He remained completely platonic yet seemed to like me as he would often text and suggest doing things.

I got to a point where I could feel myself beeing drawn into his world. I was developing stronger and deeper feelings for this guy without sex being on the agenda.

It got to the point a month ago where I tried to open up about my feelings once again, but this time within a text. I said I was falling for him. He avoided the topic. So one Friday night I asked him what he thought of my text and he held out his hand for me to shake it and may have said: friends? I said I didn't want to be just friends. He walked away and I left feeling absolutely awful.
I then texted to say ofcourse I couldn't deny his friendship but I said I had it my head that I wanted to be more than friends, but I was sorry to act like a spanner by getting drunk and being a bit ridiculous ( apparently I was being confrontational). He replied saying 'not a problem for him', said he's been burning the candle too much and needs to chill out.
I thought he'd finally got the message, and would perhaps cool off. Low and behold, within hours of the next day, I get a text asking me do I fancy a game of tennis?
I said yes and all is back to how it was.
I know I have exams coming up and that at some point I'll be preparing for interview, then starting school. But I just feel crazy about this guy.
I'm 45 years old he's 46. We're not kids anymore, but I am certainly not sounding like a sane adult.

Please, please, advise me. Last night we attended a charity event together and yes, he seemed to be noticing a busty brunette who gave a speech but I notice every woman who walks in the room because she is a potential threat. Yet we also bumped into someone who said she knew me because he'd shown her a picture of me. I smiled but said nothing. He reminded me it was that time we had been together (as in, it was no big deal) so I shrugged it off.
But do you see how I can turn innocent actions into eventful possibilities?
Facts for:

1. He always contacts me

2.He seems to open up and has said once that he shares certain things with me that no one else has known

1. He takes my advice and seems to want to please me

Facts against:

1. He goes out drinking alot and I think he does sleep with random women
2. He was dating right before he met me
3. He avoids talking about my feelings for him
4. He never invites me up to his place (apart from right at the beginning)
5. He often goes out at weekends partying without asking me
6. He's new to these parts and wants to make as many friends as possible

Yours

Rubberleg

To WalterMitty

'every old sock meets an old shoe- aint that a great saying-) Kate Bush

OP, he's a Twit with a capital T.

You will have to move on.

That bond you are developing, it's a mixture of chemistry and superficial friendship but it isn't love. If it were love, he would jump at the chance of being with you, or, if he wasn't in love with you but were a nice person, then he would make sure you didnt' get any mixed messages.

If a guy confessed to falling for me, I wouldn't then taunt him the next week with the 'innocent' offer of a tennis lesson.

He's not that into you- if you need to check, buy the book. It stopped my female friend from dating a string of guys who just weren't into her, or relationships with her, but were happy to get sex and some company when it suited them.

I wouldn't even be friends with him- he's not nice (see above) and has bad boundaries. He will probably, if you carry on as friends, one day ask you about a new girl he's met who he likes. You will cry/be jealous, and then he'll get cross as he was always clear it was 'just good friends'.

I've seen this play out so many times. The way to deal with it is as everyone has said, block and move on.

If you spend time with him, on pseudo non dates where he is looking at other women, that's a night you could have spent looking for someone much nicer, or even by yourself, you'd have a more fun time and not batter your self-esteem.

Don't feel bad, this is a common mistake but now you are wise to it and him wish him well and move on.

A bitter but honest pill to swallow. Thank you sincerely.

You said that he is new to the area, and doesn't have many friends yet...

It really does sound like he is using you, someone to do things with, whilst making other friends too. I do wonder when he has made a whole lot of new friends, will he still be contacting you as much to get together.

He doesn't invite you do parties at weekends? Why only to tennis and charity events? Are you only good enough for that type of event, not for weekends parties and socializing.

So sorry OP, but looking at it from an outsiders point of view, it is quite clear that this is not going to go anywhere, and in time you are going to see less and less of him. I would start distancing myself from him if I were you.... on his next invite, make an excuse to not go.