I know I need counselling but the waiting list is so long.

[MyCrazyLife]

I can't let go of things that happened in the past. Or more accurately, I can forget about them for months on end then there will be a trigger and I lose the plot... Crying, hating myself, punishing DP, sometimes self harming.

I find it so hard to be nice... But incredibly easy to push that self destruct button and be horrible to myself and sometimes to DP.

I hate him spending time with his friends and family - I know it's wrong but he upset me so much during our first couple of years together (lots of it involving friends and family) and I can't forget. Also thanks to my terrible childhood I always feel I am not good enough, for anyone or anything. So if he spends the day with his parents, for example, I don't think "Good for him, he must miss them as he works away a lot"... I just think "Why would he go there when I'm here? What have I done wrong?"

If I try to talk to him about it he is sympathetic to a point but then just ends up saying "Why bring this up again? It's in the past... Move on!"

I am waiting for counselling but it could take months. I don't know what to do.

Your on one waiting list - explore possibilities and find others. Some of my counselling came through work, some through the union, most through the gp and the current one an nhs link to a voluntary (donation funded) organisation.

'Your'? Good grief. My apologies. "You're".

When someone does terrible things to you, it's normal to change our perception of that person.

Have things really changed?
What made you stay through that bad period?

Thank you, Humble. Very strangely I got a call not long after writing this and my appointments are due to start in the next couple of weeks! So pleased. But in the meantime, any advice would be appreciated...

Lweji - things have changed considerably, and to be honest if I asked him to change even more, he would be changing his personality to suit me. Which is obviously not good - I don't want to be controlling but I know I can be. I stayed because I had three children and very low self esteem. I do love him - but have hated him.

"he upset me so much during our first couple of years together"

If you stuck around solely because of three kids and low self-esteem that can lead on to self-loathing all by itself. The feeling that you sold out is a really tough one to live with.

I know, Cogito :(

The problem is I learnt to have quite a controlling, possessive, jealous streak from my mother. I am actually much better now but used to be at best annoying, and at worst abusive. So I don't know if I was getting upset unreasonably (ie him wanting to see his mum for a few hours).

On the other hand he really did do some thoughtless things, yes we were young and immature, but I can't move on.

What kind of thoughtless things? You don't have to say, of course, but no matter how young and immature you are, some things genuinely are unforgiveable. And if they're not unforgiveable they can be serious enough to taint the rest of the relationship by introducing mistrust or resentment.

It's hard to say, but we had a huge argument when I was 5 months pregnant and he moved back in with his parents while I was out at work. Didn't come back for a few months (we were still together in this time).

He lied about having given up smoking for nearly a year - I was so proud of him but everybody except me knew he was still smoking. I felt like a mug.

He went out drinking and occasionally taking drugs when I was pregnant, and a few times came home way later than planned, or not at all. He got so drunk he left me on my own to see in the new year once (I hadn't gone to a party as our baby was throwing up - he still decided to go).

He used to be addicted to playing x box games and me memories of being pregnant with my third baby and her first few weeks are of him gaming constantly and speaking to me like dirt.

He used to hate having family days out and would just sit and watch TV all weekend. The kids missed out. I had severe anxiety and wouldn't take them out on my own.

He didn't work for ages but barely helped me either.

A few other things but they're ones that stand out in my memory. Most of these things have completely changed and he tries so hard now but there is resentment.

can you afford to see a counsellor privately? Relate often have a scale of fees for the unwaged or anyone on low income.

If there is still resentment then you are not over how he behaved.

You need to really think carefully over whether you want to stay with this man or not. From what you have written, I'm shocked that you stayed with him long enough to have 3 children- I'd have left after the first few episodes of that kind of behaviour.

Some things are unforgivable- and it sounds as if you can neither forgive or forget.

There is nothing wrong with this. Rather than look inward and blame yourself, you need to ask if you have simply papered over the cracks of your relationship- for whatever reasons- when really you'd have been better making a clean break long ago.

Resenting someone for their previous terrible behaviour doesn't mean you're psychologically broken. Someone trying hard or saying 'it was in the past... move on!' doesn't make memories about drug-taking, verbal abuse, withdrawal and so forth magically go away.

We are all the sum total of our experiences. We live a little, make some mistakes, go through good times, bad times and - if we've got any sense - we LEARN along the way. First time you get too close to a big snappy dog and it nips you, you remember it, and make damn sure you don't get that close again. If it nips you a few times over several years, you're even more wary. If you get told 'it's a nice dog now and it behaves itself'... are you going to be happy left alone with it in a room? Are you going to seek counselling to make you trust the nasty thing?

How old is DC3 now?

MyCrazyLife, I have been in exactly the same situation as you right now! I don't know if the stuff you are talking about was in your childhood, was it?

Because the problems I had were. The waiting list for psychological help is 8 months on the NHS where I am. I contacted the National Association for People Abused in Childhood and they sent me a list of alternative organisations in my area which could provide counselling with shorter waiting lists and I am going to see someone in a few weeks. Most of the places they suggested weren't just for people abused in childhood so even if you wanted it for something different they could give you the list. I emailed them and it took about a week for a response but if you ring it might be quicker.

Their website is NAPAC.org

Yes but dogs can be trained not to nip.

And humans can change their behaviour- they don't have spots like leopards.

I can see OP how you are very confused.

You stayed with an abusive and uncaring man because you felt you had no option, were worthless and had 3 children.

Are they his children by the way?

You are constantly on edge because every time he 'goes missing' ( by visiting people or whatever) it brings back the painful memories of how you felt before when he treated you badly by abandoning you when you needed him, as well as lying to you.

What you have done is to 'settle'. You have settled for a life that gives you some security but the pain of his behaviour is still there- it's bubbling away under the surface.

It's not down to you to change, necessarily. It IS down to you though to establish if he simply went so far with his behaviour that you can never get the trust back.

If you know that you deserve better in life than this, that you want to be free of the worry that he will do it all again some time, then you need to start thinking about an exit plan because it may be that the relationship is simply a habit and a comfort zone ( some of the time) .

But the most awful relationships survive because people are too scared to break the habit .

Sorry just seen you reposted and explained it was about your relationship. The list I got from NAPAC would still have been useful so it's worth contacting them.

I did see one privately but it ate up my savings after just a few sessions.

Dc3 is 21 months and the first child is not his. I only saw/found out about a lot of his behaviour when I was pregnant with the third.

You're spot in that him going "missing" triggers terrible memories. Every time he mentions that he is going for a drink with a friend I turn nasty. Or hide the nastiness then spend the night on edge, crying, sometimes self harming.

I did have a terrible childhood - these problems were here well before him. The reason I see myself as needing "fixing" is because I have been like this with ex boyfriends, too - even the lovely ones. I hated them doing things without me and felt abandoned.

For a long time, I thought I had settled with him. But then I realised he has a LOT of good qualities. He can be stupid, thoughtless, forgetful and immature (much less nowadays) but is a good person at heart. I am punctual, remember everything, am intelligent , but can be a complete bitch. I know I am worse. He's a very kind person with lots of friends and family who all love him. (I think a lot of my jealousy stems from that, as my family are bastards who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire).

Whether a dog or a human changes their behaviour, it doesn't make the past go away and it doesn't mean you're psychologically damaged if you don't subsequently trust them. The OP is crying, self-harming, hating themselves and sees themselves as controlling, possessive and jealous. The psychological damage - I'm suggesting - is the result of forcing themselves to stay in the room with the dog against their better judgement.

I am trying to make the best of our situation.

I know if I dealt with my issues our relationship could be fantastic.

He has tried very hard to change for me (trying not to paint him completely badly here)...

I know I am worse.

No- you are not worse. Maybe different, but not worse.
Stop putting yourself down all the time.

If you have decided - and have no doubts at all- that you want to stay with him, and his current behaviour is good for 99% of the time, then yes, you do need to work on you and your acceptance that the past is the past.

But if there is any doubt that his behaviour is still unsettling or unpredictable, OR that the wounds from his past behaviour are too deep and the scars too painful, then you need to seriously consider ending the relationship. Being angry, hostile, suspicious and wallowing in low self esteem is not a good role model for your children who will KNOW their mum is unhappy.

If you decide that you have forgiven him and need help with changing your behaviour then CBT is maybe good for you- accessed through GP.
This will give you strategies for changing your negative thinking so that when those triggers occur, you are able to push the thoughts aside and focus on the positives.

But at the same time you need to work on your self-worth otherwise as you say, it will jeopardise all your relationships throughout your life.

You said your memory of your third pregnancy and her early months was of him playing games and speaking to you like shit. Your DC3 isn't two years old yet. It's not some memory from the distant past that's making you miserable, it's very recent. To me that is not a matter of 'issues'... it's a normal response to being treated badly and rendered very unhappy.

There are a lot of women in terrible or abusive relationships who, like you, think that the problems are all their making. They believe they only get treated badly because they are a rubbish partner. You keep saying he's trying very hard to change and you minimise his behaviour as stupid and thoughtless. He's a 'good person at heart'.... is usually a way to excuse someone who is a 'bad person outwardly'. So what if everyone else likes him?

To me you sound extremely depressed and distressed and I think you should talk to your GP. I'm concerned that you are putting too much pressure on yourself to fix this and worried that you believe your resentment is somehow all in your head.

Thanks, cogito. I did talk to the GP and thankfully they have referred me for counselling.

I should have said - I have worked very hard on my self-esteem; cutting out toxic people, making new friends, becoming more assertive, having a social life, joining groups and classes etc are a few things I have tried. The atmosphere is much better for the DC.

The majority of the time, things are good and we laugh and cuddle and I'm not plagued by these thoughts.

Then something triggers it, and I'm a mess. Having severe PMT never helps.

Things have started now because he is off work with an injury and has been spending time with his parents every now and again even though I am in the house. I should be able to wave him off and not think about it. But I've been really stressed. I know it's because of that time he left me and every time we used to fall out he'd go for a smoke at his mum's leaving me pregnant and upset (his parents didnt like me at first so it felt like they were all conspiring against me).

I'm scared I'm narcissistic or something because I always think people are doing things to wind me up or upset me.

I'm scared I'm narcissistic or something because I always think people are doing things to wind me up or upset me.

No. You are normal. You have been hurt by someone behaving badly.

But thinking people are doing things to wind you up is related to low self esteem and low expectations- you expect to be treated badly.

But thinking people are doing things to wind you up is related to low self esteem and low expectations- you expect to be treated badly.

Is that what it is?! Really?? I really thought I was some of freak. But how the hell do I stop thinking that way?

MyCrazyLife, would you contact NAPAC? They sent me some really useful information and some materials to work through while I am waiting for my counselling. I really think it might help you too.

You start by telling yourself that people will ONLY treat you WELL because that is what you deserve. Because you are a good, kind, loving person, a good mum, a person who bounces back, has strength etc.
Make a list of 10 good things about yourself and read them every day.

Do not accept anything other than respect and good behaviour from people in your life.

And your DH ought to be trying to change for HIMSELF- not 'for you'. You are not making unreasonable demands on him- he needs to work on himself.

Having read your updates, it was all him, not you.

I'd have been like you if my partner had behaved like yours.

Some things are really difficult to get past and you have been amazing to give this man a chance to change. Good for him that he has changed, but I don't blame you that something inside you perhaps still has doubts, or remembers all those bad feelings.

I know that if my ex managed to change and be the man he should have been that I couldn't get past what he has done.

The key here for you would be to actually forgive him. It doesn't sound like you have.
Not that you should forgive him, but that would be the only way to move forward, IMO.
Has he ever apologised to you properly for all he made you go through during that time?