I know I need counselling but the waiting list is so long.

[MyCrazyLife]

I can't let go of things that happened in the past. Or more accurately, I can forget about them for months on end then there will be a trigger and I lose the plot... Crying, hating myself, punishing DP, sometimes self harming.

I find it so hard to be nice... But incredibly easy to push that self destruct button and be horrible to myself and sometimes to DP.

I hate him spending time with his friends and family - I know it's wrong but he upset me so much during our first couple of years together (lots of it involving friends and family) and I can't forget. Also thanks to my terrible childhood I always feel I am not good enough, for anyone or anything. So if he spends the day with his parents, for example, I don't think "Good for him, he must miss them as he works away a lot"... I just think "Why would he go there when I'm here? What have I done wrong?"

If I try to talk to him about it he is sympathetic to a point but then just ends up saying "Why bring this up again? It's in the past... Move on!"

I am waiting for counselling but it could take months. I don't know what to do.

Thank you, pink. I'm going to have a shower and then start my list.

How do I drop this barrier I have? I just can't be nice to him sometimes. I push him away.

Lweji - he has apologised so many times (which is probably why he gets annoyed when I bring things up yet again).

As in, I think I see being nice as being weak. My mum was never nice..

You're still stuck in the loop of wanting to be nice to someone who hasn't treated you very well.... and then disliking yourself for not being able to do it. That's the very definition of no-win.

Sometimes, no matter how much someone apologises, it doesn't erase the hurt they caused and it doesn't make any difference to the way you feel about them. That he gets annoyed with you and expects you to 'move on' is not helping his case at all.

There is such a thing as having been hurt too many times to forgive.

Being nice is not being weak. we can choose who to be nice to in life and who to ignore if they treat us badly.

You need to come to terms with what he did. As yet, you haven't.

Maybe you won't. This is going to be your journey- build up your self esteem and decide if he is worth forgiving and staying with because your have chosen to, not because you NEED to.

Is it possible that the only way he started treating you more decently was because you did not put up with it and had had to stop being nice? Is it possible that at some level you think that if you are nice again that his worst behaviour will return?
It sounds like a natural self-defence mechanism.
Plus is it possible that you think that he needs to suffer as much as you have?

It's not healthy for the relationship, but it is a lot to overcome. Despite his apologies, did you think they were heartfelt? Has he done enough to convince you that you are safe, that his previous behaviour will return?
What you described sound (untrained eye) like anxiety. A situation similar to what you experienced before triggers the same feelings, even though the bad outcome hasn't occurred (yet?).
He could help a bit by being extra nice or making those situations pleasurable for in advance to replace the trigger.
But, yes, you'll need professional guidance, although the work here will have to be done by you.
IF your OH deserves it and you really want to be with him, as Cog said. Forcing yourself to love someone you don't is very damaging for you.
And that is the second issue here, IMO, which is to know if you really love this person and can the relationship be salvaged or is it already dead.