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Original poster

Constant age digs from MIL

52 replies

AmberDrop · 08/09/2014 08:01

Have NCd for this as DH knows my usual name...

I'm 43 and have just had my first baby. I made sure I was in great health before and during the pregnancy and was lucky enough to have no problems or complications and was blessed with a healthy bundle of joy.

My MIL is generally a nice woman and very supportive in many was but during my pregnancy, particularly in the final weeks when she stayed with us, she started making lots of comments about my age. Such as 'Well you left it rather late, you only just caught the window didn't you.' And 'the midwives must be very concerned given your age' and 'I imagine all your friends have grown up children now - you must be the last to have one?'

I just ignored these, didn't mention them to my husband and tried not to let my hormones turn it into a big issue.

Yesterday she came to visit us. She didn't ask how I was but later in the day I mentioned something along the lines of me 'not being 100% yet' and she came straight back with 'That will be your age'.

I was astonished at such a rude and daft comment. Surely even a 16 year old would not be 100% two weeks after giving birth?

I'm at a loss to understand why she is hung up about my age and feels the need to point it out so often. It's not as if she is concerned for me/my health. And I'd never dream of making comments about her age!

Am I being over-sensitive?

OP posts:

patienceisvirtuous · 08/09/2014 08:10

No. She's being judgemental. Try to let it pass you by or if she keeps up you could pull her on it. "Why do you keep referring to my age in relation to having DC in a negative way? "

I am 36 and only just ttc. DP is 28. MIL doesn't know we're ttc but keeps telling me stories about women who had DC 'later in life' as she puts it :o

Meerka · 08/09/2014 08:13

Why not just ask her to give up on the age related comments? "MIL, I love you dearly, but could you maybe point out my age a bit less please?" said with a smile. Maybe add a self-deprecating joke along with it to take the sting out of it.

I'm speaking as someone who gets taken as my 18 week old son's grandmother. Ahem.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 08/09/2014 08:15

"MIL unless you had a baby mid forties how can you possibly know how I am feeling? Stop bloody picking, will you?"

Blu · 08/09/2014 08:22

Tell your DH what has been going on, and that you have had enough.

And next time she does it be direct but not unkind : "I am having a child within my natural childbearing years, as many people do. None of the medical staff have had an issue with it, it has caused no problems, but I notice you mention it in connection with almost everything. Is there a reason for that?"

Otherwise take a PA revenge. Every time she mentions anything at all about how she is say 'oh, that'll be your age'.

But that will just escalate the ongoing seething and resentment.

kaykayblue · 08/09/2014 08:40

I would make a much more pointed comment about it the next time she says anything.

Something along the lines of "I know you have lots of opinions about the age at which I had this child, but if you continue with your snide, judgemental comments about it, then we are really going to have a big falling out".

PacificDogwood · 08/09/2014 08:48

Congratulations

No, you are not being over-sensitive, but I suspect your MiL is just expressing her own incredulity that somebody of your vast and enormous age produced a healthy baby and is getting on just fine. I am saying that as somebody who had 4 children between 37 and 44 and I've heard all the comments you are describing and some more from my own mother who had her 2 children between 24 and 26.

My aunt had her first child aged 29 in the early 70s and was considered an 'elderly prim' . Thankfully things have changed, and much as there is no denying biology, there is also many, many women who have children later on in life (with btw was the norm before effective contraception became available…)

So, depending on how you feel a) don't comment and be proud of your and your body's achievement b) tell her (or get your DH to tell his mother) that you find her comments hurtful c) with every remark say 'yes, it's great, isn't it?' d) say something passive-aggressive (I quite like that but am not very good at it and it's probably not a very grown-up thing to do

Enjoy your newborn cuddles!

PacificDogwood · 08/09/2014 08:49

Oh, I have said to my mother 'Would you rather we had not bothered at all after a certain age?' (my DS1 was my parents' first GC) and she had to concede that she was quite glad that we let multiple MCs not put us off.

HumblePieMonster · 08/09/2014 08:57

Erm... 'elderly primagravida' was written on the card I had to carry with me at all times, when having my first (and only) baby in the Isle of Man in 1982.

I was 24!

My great-gran had her ninth at the age for 43.

PacificDogwood · 08/09/2014 09:01

24!!

How was that 'elderly' in anybody's book, ever?!

movingonandup · 08/09/2014 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimishimmi · 08/09/2014 09:21

Was she hounding you for years to have children? My peers have only just started having theirs in the past few years (I'm 38) and when I go to pick up DS (8) , I'm still one of the youngest looking mums there for his age group.

Chrysanthemum5 · 08/09/2014 09:23

My sister had her child when she was 26, in 1984 and she was considered an 'elderly' first time mum!

Justgotosleepnow · 08/09/2014 09:26

Congrats!
I couldn't hardly walk for two weeks after the birth of my DD and I'm younger than you.
I think she's being judgemental.
I think you could ask her why your age is such an issue. In front of your DH. Ie telling her to shut up!

LizzieMint · 08/09/2014 09:27

My mum was also 24 having her first and described as an elderly primagravida! I wonder what the cut-off age used to be?
I agree with Movingonandup, it's only a recent thing for women to be even in their thirties having their first babies, so 43 is astonishing (to her).
Having also had one baby at age 32 and one at age 38, I was quite shocked at how much more physically knackering I found it to have the later one, (admittedly when it's not your first anyway, it's going to be more knackering!).

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/09/2014 09:27

Yes my mum laughs about being an elderly primagravida at 25 in 1980! What's the average age of first time births now, 30?

SpaceStation · 08/09/2014 09:36

I had my first at 35, I thought I had better get a move on at the time, but I was the first of my friends to have a baby. Some of them are now in their early-mid 40s and just having their first, or second in quick succession. And women have always had babies in their 40s!

It seems entirely normal to me now and not worthy of comment - if you've just had a baby at 43 (and congratulations btw!), that's clearly because you, and your body, are up to it. Making comments about how extraordinarily old someone is is rude, just as rude in this situation as any other.

I would be tempted to throw a few back at her - "Wow, you are really looking wrinkled today! I guess it's your age" "I don't expect someone of your advanced years would want to get up and fetch me that blanket, don't worry I'll do it myself" and then if she doesn't like you being rude say "but I thought you would be fine with it as you do it to me!" I bet that would stop her, but as others say it would be a bit antagonistic.

Or yes just ask her outright "Your constant comments about my age are upsetting me, I would like you to stop."

Flowerspowers · 08/09/2014 09:45

I'd be annoyed. Agree with others that her framework of reference is from a different time, social circle etc. and that this out of character suggests she's not intending upset. As she's mentioning it a lot I'd ask her why. May be someone (with an equally limited framework of reference) has sown a seed of concern about age for her.

Good luck

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/09/2014 09:45

My mum was a teenager when she had me but I didn't present her with a grandchild until I was 30. She was probably wondering whether DH and I were going to ever get round to it but thank God she said nothing.

Your MIL is possibly less concerned about your age and well-being as whether she is up to the job of actively participating granny. Next time she makes a crack about your age pat her hand, do a head tilt and say, "Aww, you have a good few years left to be Grandma!"

Flowerspowers · 08/09/2014 09:47

Congratulations by the way. Try not to let it worry you. You've got more important things to concentrate on eg sleeping and eating!

OnlyLovers · 08/09/2014 09:50

Congratulations!

How tedious this must be. Challenge her:

'MIL, why do you keep mentioning my age in a negative way?'

If she has a response, say 'I'd prefer it if you didn't keep talking about it. It's rather rude.'

Alternatively, tell her to shut the fuck up about your age and find something more interesting to think/talk about that's what I'd do

daphnehoneybutt · 08/09/2014 09:51

Congratulations.

If it is was upsetting you I would say something - you don't have to put up with being talked to in a way that's upsetting you and if you let this fester the animosity will not be a good thing.

gnushoes · 08/09/2014 09:58

I don't think she means to be rude - look at all the comments here about 24 year olds being elderly primigravidas. I'd have a sensible conversation with her if she says it again, perhaps pointing out that things have changed, you have friends doing same thing and that you wonder if she has a real concern as she keeps on mentioning it. She may not realise she is doing it but have some underlying worry.

PecanNut · 08/09/2014 10:01

I think you should say, 'I've noticed you refer to my age a lot... I suppose in your day it was considered unusual to have a baby past 40, but these days it is considered quite normal.'

Vivacia · 08/09/2014 10:15

'MIL, why do you keep mentioning my age in a negative way?'

Pleeeease do this.

And then report back.

Lndnmummy · 08/09/2014 10:16

Gobsmacked, rude beyond belief! Pecannut's comment is spot on.

Congratulations on your baby - as a newborn mum we all take things so personally, regardless of age and inconsiderate comments do not help. In my case my mother would not stop going on about my "failure" to breast feed. This was despite my dh telling her not to mention it as I was so upset about not being able to continue it. She just could not shut up about how "people give up to eaisly" and "breast is best" and "motherhood takes dedication and sacrifice".

Congratulations on your baby, be kind to yourself - the early day, weeks, months even are hard.

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