Constant age digs from MIL

[AmberDrop]

Have NCd for this as DH knows my usual name...

I'm 43 and have just had my first baby. I made sure I was in great health before and during the pregnancy and was lucky enough to have no problems or complications and was blessed with a healthy bundle of joy.

My MIL is generally a nice woman and very supportive in many was but during my pregnancy, particularly in the final weeks when she stayed with us, she started making lots of comments about my age. Such as 'Well you left it rather late, you only just caught the window didn't you.' And 'the midwives must be very concerned given your age' and 'I imagine all your friends have grown up children now - you must be the last to have one?'

I just ignored these, didn't mention them to my husband and tried not to let my hormones turn it into a big issue.

Yesterday she came to visit us. She didn't ask how I was but later in the day I mentioned something along the lines of me 'not being 100% yet' and she came straight back with 'That will be your age'.

I was astonished at such a rude and daft comment. Surely even a 16 year old would not be 100% two weeks after giving birth?

I'm at a loss to understand why she is hung up about my age and feels the need to point it out so often. It's not as if she is concerned for me/my health. And I'd never dream of making comments about her age!

Am I being over-sensitive?

I wonder if some of this attitude is also a subtle form of jealousy. I don't know how old your MIL is, or how old she was when she had her child/children, but she may be jealous of you for having a young family ( with all the fun/stress/happiness/busyness/being frazzled that entails ) at an age when she had left all that behind.

She most likely was still having a lovely old rest 2 week post birth given they used to stay in hospital nearly that long anyway

Silly old boot

Next time, you could just say very mildly "I'd never dream on commenting about your age" Long hard look and leave it at that.

My GP wrote 'elderly primagravida' on my notes when I was pregnant with DD (I was 38).

I was most put out.

I suspect your MIL is not being bitchy but trying very unsuccessfully to hide her incredulity. In her day, you had 6 grandchildren by the age of 40.

Yep, my Mum was an elderly prima gravida at the grand old age of 25 in the mid 70's (with me) and I was considered to be an older mother when pg for the third time at the age of 36 .
I got comments from MIL about it as well but a simple 'For Gods sake MIL I'm 36 not 86' coupled with an incredulous laugh soon sorted that one, she never mentioned my 'advanced' age again!

Wow, thanks so much everyone for the vote of confidence and all the lovely supportive comments. They are very much appreciated.

Iam, you are spot on - my own mother told me that she was in hospital for 'the standard 10 days' when she had me.

I think my favourite approach is Pecan's "not like that in your day" but I'll probably err on the side of caution and diplomacy and say something about being touched at her concern but that I'm fine despite being ancient.

If she persists after that I will up the ante....by telling her we are planning the next one!!!

I suspect that there is no malice in what she says - it is still fairly unusual to be having a first baby at 43.
You could try reminding her that before widely available contraception lots of women, Queen Victoria included, had a baby every two or three years until they were 43 or more and it was not unusual.

Actually, TreadSoftly's suggestion is great, much better than being rude back!

Also note they do tend to forget what it's really like to be a mum to a baby

It's erased at each stage I think once it's over

Must be or we would only ever have one!!

The problem here is not your age at all. The status quo has changed and you are now a mother, the mother of her grandchild. She is jealous and resentful and torn between being happy about her new grandchild and putting you down. She can't help herself and you need to deal with it.

It is very old fashioned to make a big deal about age in relation to parenthood these days and she is the one showing her age here, not you!

For what it's worth, the week I found out my daughter (still at school) was pregnant my colleague at work was shocked to find himself a father to be at 58. After years of IVF his wife, in her forties, had conceived naturally. He had to pretend to be happy, whilst incredibly shocked and suddenly unsure of himself. The same way I felt about my DD. He told me my daughter was too young (correct) whilst I told him he was too old.

Don't let her jealous comments upset your happy time with your new baby.

I fail to see how 'not being 100%' 2 weeks after the birth of a baby has anything to do with being 43! Or old fashioned expectations. As someone said, in 'her day' (which lets face it was probably the 1960s or even 1970s - hardly Victorian times) she would only have been up and about for 4 days when her babies were 2 weeks.

OP - I had a first baby at 43 and it has been great. Congratulations.

You could say 'ah, well, women stay younger longer, these days'.

But I think ElsieMc is right - it goes deep and is to do with her own issues. Which doesn't make it OK to keep on at you, so just find the way that feels right for you to point it out.

I agree with Conference.
I suspect there isn't any malice in the comments either. It really is unusual to have your first baby at 43.
You are going to have to develop a thicker skin, when you take your dc to toddlers or playgroup or Nursery, or when you are standing in the playground at school - she'll not be the only one thinking 'wow'.

well, she sounds generally very supportive and nice, just a bit tactless. Hope the gentle approach sorts it out :)

In my ante natal group every single woman except one was 40 or over.

There may be more over-40s than you think, BackForGood - we just don't look like many people's view of a frumpy, ill-kempt middle-aged woman.

People kept saying to me 'wow you don't look 40' and I would say 'yes I do - this is what 40 looks like'.

Congratulations! I'm currently expecting my first at 40, but where I live, that's positively young - 43 just isn't that unusual these days. I really don't think anyone will be thinking 'wow' as BackforGood seems to think, well, unless you live in an area where teen pregnancies are particularly prevalent.

Women have been having children in their forties forever, especially before reliable contraception became available. The only difference being that it probably wouldn't have been their first. Ever hear of surprise 'change of life' babies?

My 79 year old mother had my brother and sister when she was in her early twenties, was widowed at 35, married again and had me at 39, and miscarried at 44. Unsurprisingly, she wouldn't dream of being as rude as your MIL.

I think you need to be firm with her about this, it's really unnecessary and tactless.

The average age at which women are having their first babies has risen over the years, however women have been having children in their forties for a very, very long time now, like perhaps for all the time that effective contraception wasn't easily available. You really need to just roll your eyes at her and tell her exactly how tedious, as well as stupid, it is for her to make these silly comments.

And congrats

Snap TinyMonkey You posted exactly the same as I did.

Some older people just repeat the same things over and over again for no apparent reason!

Next time she starts to say anything about your age say "yes MIL we all know I'm an ancient old crone, no need to go on about it!" in a bright and breezy jokey kind of way.

I'd get in it before she does, or simultaneously.

You: Not feeling 100% yet.
Her: that'll be
You: my age, yes! I know I know, I'm positively haggard.

You could say you're thinking 5, 6, 7... years would be a nice a gap between this and your next-and see the reaction...

"I know!! Imagine if we both go and pick him up from school in a few years! Everyone will think his grandmother and GREAT GREAT GREAT Grandmother have come to get him!"

What Pecan suggested. I used that approach very successfully with my well-meaning but tactless and unimaginative MIL. (Who had three children she and my FIL could barely feed and house by her 21st birthday, so I did occasionally, when feeling particularly exasperated, say things along the lines of wasn't it great these days that women had free access to contraception and careers and didn't feel the need to rush into motherhood before they got established in their line of work?)

I think I also said, with a look of wide-eyed innocence and sympathy, that of course there would be an unimaginable gap between my healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy at 40, and her last pregnancy, given how worn out she would have been from childbearing (she carried five to term) by my age.

Not nice, but she would keep harping on about it...

OldBag, that's an interesting thought. You could be right. She has three other GCs aged 22, 19 and 9.

Strangely, she did not really say much about the baby apart from commenting that he looks like me rather than DH and that he's very long. She also doesn't like his name - we know this as she says things like 'well it will take some getting used to...'

Never mind, I'm going to have the very amusing phrase 'silly old boot' in my head now when she's being tricky - thanks to iamusuallybeingunreasonable!

Ha ha!!

Well if the shoe fits