We split a week ago after fourteen months.
We were always up and down. He split with me within three weeks after he disappeared on me on a night out. Then we got back together. He split with me again about a month later. Because he didn't like the way I was dancing with a bloke. Then another month later because I was apparently flirting with the guy sat next to me in a competition. Then again because of a comment a guy on my fb made on a profile pic.
Six months in I discovered he took drugs. I was extremely anxious due to how up and down we were and also going downhill mentally after a cancer scare and pneumonia earlier in the year.
In December I cut my wrist. I was struggling with the anniversary of my brothers death and after a lovely night out together he just flipped and walked out. I didn't even know why.
I was stitched up but gradually struggled more and more. Worked full time trying to support my four children. In the new year I went to a house party with him. Him and his friends were all taking drugs. I took some too. However they nearly killed me. Shortly afterwards I had a breakdown and was seriously unwell for three months until I got stabilised on meds. They thought I had PTSD after the cancer scare and the scare I got from the drugs.
Whilst unwell we had a holiday booked for his birthday. I tried to go but was so unwell we had to come home. He then finished with me again on the train home. He changed his mind a few hours later but once back he began drinking a lot of wine. I was having flashbacks and suffering extreme anxiety. He fell asleep and I was having anxiety attacks one after the other. My mum phoned and took me out to hers. Gave me diazepam to calm me down.
Lots happened after that. My family told me he was emotionally abusing me. Believed he was a dealer. For two months I had nothing to do with him. But then got in contact on a weak moment. He told me my family wanted to keep me unwell. That he loved me and wanted it marry me. That the family was jealous of us. I took him back. For the next four months things were great. I started getting better.
Then he finished with me again. He was away at a competition. I was out with friends. Again out of the blue he dumped me. Again I took him back then last week he did it again. Went through for a comp, I was out with my mum. Woke up to two texts saying we were done.
Something snapped in me then. This time I didn't beg him back. I made no contact with him. Yesterday he started texting saying he was depressed and he had taken it out in me. I replied telling him I didn't care and to leave me alone. He kept texting and I got angry. I sent him some pretty nasty texts telling him to leave me alone. He then started saying he had taken something. I thought he was just trying to get a reaction. So I ignored him.
Tonight I had a text from his mum telling me he had taken an overdose. He is okay and in hospital. I phoned her and whilst polite she said to leave him alone to get on with his life. But that's what I had been doing. My head is such a mess. I feel guilty that I didn't believe him and alert someone. Guilty for the nasty texts but I put up with so much from him over the last fourteen months I was so angry that he wouldn't stop contacting me. Upset because I may not want to be with him anymore but I wouldn't want any harm to come to him. Angry because he did it and if he had died I would have had to carry that around with me forever. He knew I lost my brother to suicide and best friend.
I was getting better but tonight I feel back where I was during my breakdown. I'm convinced I'm the worst person in the world. Confused because I was good to him. Cooked his meals, downloaded films he liked, encouraged him to pursue his hobbies. Supported him with work problems. I don feel I've acted like a bad person but he tried to kill himself.
I don't know what I am looking for. I'm just a mess. I have no idea if he will try to get in contact again. I don't know what I should do.