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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex took overdose last night. Heads a mess.

55 replies

Direwolf · 07/09/2014 19:08

We split a week ago after fourteen months.

We were always up and down. He split with me within three weeks after he disappeared on me on a night out. Then we got back together. He split with me again about a month later. Because he didn't like the way I was dancing with a bloke. Then another month later because I was apparently flirting with the guy sat next to me in a competition. Then again because of a comment a guy on my fb made on a profile pic.

Six months in I discovered he took drugs. I was extremely anxious due to how up and down we were and also going downhill mentally after a cancer scare and pneumonia earlier in the year.

In December I cut my wrist. I was struggling with the anniversary of my brothers death and after a lovely night out together he just flipped and walked out. I didn't even know why.

I was stitched up but gradually struggled more and more. Worked full time trying to support my four children. In the new year I went to a house party with him. Him and his friends were all taking drugs. I took some too. However they nearly killed me. Shortly afterwards I had a breakdown and was seriously unwell for three months until I got stabilised on meds. They thought I had PTSD after the cancer scare and the scare I got from the drugs.

Whilst unwell we had a holiday booked for his birthday. I tried to go but was so unwell we had to come home. He then finished with me again on the train home. He changed his mind a few hours later but once back he began drinking a lot of wine. I was having flashbacks and suffering extreme anxiety. He fell asleep and I was having anxiety attacks one after the other. My mum phoned and took me out to hers. Gave me diazepam to calm me down.

Lots happened after that. My family told me he was emotionally abusing me. Believed he was a dealer. For two months I had nothing to do with him. But then got in contact on a weak moment. He told me my family wanted to keep me unwell. That he loved me and wanted it marry me. That the family was jealous of us. I took him back. For the next four months things were great. I started getting better.

Then he finished with me again. He was away at a competition. I was out with friends. Again out of the blue he dumped me. Again I took him back then last week he did it again. Went through for a comp, I was out with my mum. Woke up to two texts saying we were done.

Something snapped in me then. This time I didn't beg him back. I made no contact with him. Yesterday he started texting saying he was depressed and he had taken it out in me. I replied telling him I didn't care and to leave me alone. He kept texting and I got angry. I sent him some pretty nasty texts telling him to leave me alone. He then started saying he had taken something. I thought he was just trying to get a reaction. So I ignored him.

Tonight I had a text from his mum telling me he had taken an overdose. He is okay and in hospital. I phoned her and whilst polite she said to leave him alone to get on with his life. But that's what I had been doing. My head is such a mess. I feel guilty that I didn't believe him and alert someone. Guilty for the nasty texts but I put up with so much from him over the last fourteen months I was so angry that he wouldn't stop contacting me. Upset because I may not want to be with him anymore but I wouldn't want any harm to come to him. Angry because he did it and if he had died I would have had to carry that around with me forever. He knew I lost my brother to suicide and best friend.

I was getting better but tonight I feel back where I was during my breakdown. I'm convinced I'm the worst person in the world. Confused because I was good to him. Cooked his meals, downloaded films he liked, encouraged him to pursue his hobbies. Supported him with work problems. I don feel I've acted like a bad person but he tried to kill himself.

I don't know what I am looking for. I'm just a mess. I have no idea if he will try to get in contact again. I don't know what I should do.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 07/09/2014 19:12

Delete and block.

This is a mess and it is never going to come good. Do not take the blame for his cry for help as it is a control issue not a genuine suicide attempt or even a genuine cry for her.

Work on being well and looking after your children and yourself. Don't take drugs again.

dollius · 07/09/2014 19:13

I think you should ask yourself why you are investing so much emotional energy in this train wreck of a man.

Christ alive - you have four kids. How much can you have left for them after all this soul-sucking crap?

You are not responsible for his emotional well being and you could not have done anything to prevent him taking an overdose. Heed his mum's advice and stay away from him. You are no good for each other.

Mabelface · 07/09/2014 19:13

You're not responsible for him taking an overdose, he is, and I bet he damn well knew that he'd be found and taken to hospital. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for saying no more to a man who emotionally abused you, and who tried to do it again by taking tablets. Concentrate on you and your children and leave him behind. You're actually free, and you'll get so much better without him.

AltheaVestrit · 07/09/2014 19:13

What Itsfab said.

^^

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 07/09/2014 19:13

I can't offer much advice but you sound like you both have lots of personal issues and neither of you is able to support the other
You just need to focus on yourself for now I think. He has his family, let them help him

gincamparidryvermouth · 07/09/2014 19:15

Block his number, block his mother's number, and have absolutely nothing to do with him or anyone associated with him from now on. He sounds like a total write-off to me and by what you've said, the relationship was wholly destructive. Give yourself time to get over it.

Direwolf · 07/09/2014 19:17

I was staying away from him. I think that's why he did it. Because this time he knew I wasn't coming back.

In regard to the drugs I have no desire to take anything ever again. I hadn't taken anything before him.

My children are very happy, lovely little people.

At the time of meeting him I was waiting to find out if I had cancer. I was terrified and felt very alone. He was my rock. I fell for him really hard. I really wanted us to work out. I tried so hard. But I couldn't try anymore after this most recent split.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 07/09/2014 19:17

Such a destructive relationship, you are better off out of it.

Please think of your DCs, we all make mistakes but losing you to either taking drugs or cutting your wrists will cause unimaginable pain for them.

You are no good for each other. Let his DM look after him, he is controlling and you sound needy. You do not need a man like this.

Take time to get yourself better and be a role model to your DCs, they are the ones who need you.

Please get some professional help and take time for yourself rather than a dangerous man.

handfulofcottonbuds · 07/09/2014 19:18

At the time of meeting him I was waiting to find out if I had cancer. I was terrified and felt very alone. He was my rock.

He played on your insecurities, that's what manipulative, controlling people do.

You owe him nothing!

pumpkinsweetie · 07/09/2014 19:19

He isn't good news, and never will be.
However harsh, please don't let him bring you down to where he is.
It isn't your responsibility

Direwolf · 07/09/2014 19:20

3pigs I did have personal issues. But in the last four months I have gone from strength to strength. Got counselling. Removed people from my life that had done so much damage to me since I was a child. Got the job of my dreams and promotion in the first week. Got a new house I was waiting to move into. It was like the better I got the worse he got. Like he couldn't stand to see me doing well unless he was responsible for it. When I got the job he told me I would probably meet someone else and leave him. It's like he wanted to keep me to himself.

OP posts:
Direwolf · 07/09/2014 19:23

I am a very good mother. My children have never been second best to anyone they are very polite loving children and doing well in school. When I took the drugs I was very drunk and felt a bit pressured to be the same as everyone else. I'd never had anything to do with drugs before that. And I never knew he took drugs for six months.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 07/09/2014 19:24

Direwolf - you know that this is just a control thing, don't you?

People who really want to kill themselves, unless it is a genuine cry for help, usually just do it. They don't get their mums to call up the apparent person who they are blaming and get them to ask them to stay away, when they were staying away in the first place.

Mabelface · 07/09/2014 19:25

You seem to have a good insight into why he was doing what he was doing. Keep that in mind in any weak moments.

Vivacia · 07/09/2014 19:26

I am a very good mother

Delete and block.

Mrwillywonkasbitch · 07/09/2014 19:28

What everyone else has said I can't add anymore to what's been said ??

Direwolf · 07/09/2014 19:30

That's what my mum says. That it's a control thing. I did block his number but he just text me from another number. He is deleted from everything. All pictures gone. Stuff gone. Ring sold. I was moving on.

It's just shaken me up. Brought back memories of my brothers suicide and how I had ignored him when he asked to talk to me. Two days later he was dead.

OP posts:
Direwolf · 07/09/2014 19:30

I don't want another death on my conscience.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 07/09/2014 19:33

Direwolf - It sounds like you have so much to work through yourself and I'm sorry to hear about your DB's suicide, it must have broken your heart and no doubt still does.

If this man contacts you from another phone, you know you don't need to reply, you are not obliged to. Just keep deleting and blocking and if it continues, call 101 for advice.

You need to work on yourself. You have been through so much and you deserve a good life - not a lowlife.

Take your time.

tribpot · 07/09/2014 19:42

Neither your brother's death nor your ex's apparent suicide attempt are on your conscience. When people choose to commit suicide that this their choice, as inexplicable as it is to us. I understand of course why you feel that if you had had returned your brother's call it might all have been different but the truth is, it wouldn't have been. He made a choice.

Your ex's mother is right, you need to (continue to) leave him alone. The suicide attempt may not have been intended to succeed and given his previous abusive and manipulative behaviour it is reasonable to conclude it was an attempt to get you to feel exactly as you do. Partly to blame, examining your behaviour when he's been a shit of the highest order.

You invested in this person and the fantasy of a relationship you think you might have been able to have with him. Whatever the truth of his overdose, he could never be any good for you.

Vivacia · 07/09/2014 19:44

You are not to blame for your brother's death. If somebody commits suicide, it is their decision.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/09/2014 19:46

Direwolf, don't fall into that trap. Your brother's death was not your fault; and this man is just using one of many control measures to get you to behave.

If anyone, ever says 'do this or I'll kill myself', then the only response must be 'crack on'. Nobody is responsible for another person taking their life, nobody. That is a choice they make. It is not up to you to change what you do to try and stop that happening.

handfulofcottonbuds · 07/09/2014 19:49

You need to get angry too.

I'm guessing he knows that your DB committed suicide? I'm guessing he knows the guilt you feel over that? Yet he has gone to lowest form of manipulation by attempting to do the same, knowing the feelings it will stir up in you.

He is a shit to do that!

Itsfab · 07/09/2014 19:54

I am sorry for the loss of your brother but do you know for sure your ex has even done this or is he trying to manipulate you because of your brother's death?

Direwolf · 07/09/2014 21:23

I spoke to his mum so I know he has done this. He does know about my brother.

I've calmed down a bit now. He's alive. And will get the help he needs now I guess. I hope. I have text his mum back. Basically said I hope he recovers soon but I will continue not having any contact and would rather not hear from her again. Wished her and him well.

I'm just sad now really. There was a time I couldn't imagine being any happier than I was with him. I adored him. I'm sad it's come to this ending. But I'll be okay.

OP posts: