Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex took overdose last night. Heads a mess.

55 replies

Direwolf · 07/09/2014 19:08

We split a week ago after fourteen months.

We were always up and down. He split with me within three weeks after he disappeared on me on a night out. Then we got back together. He split with me again about a month later. Because he didn't like the way I was dancing with a bloke. Then another month later because I was apparently flirting with the guy sat next to me in a competition. Then again because of a comment a guy on my fb made on a profile pic.

Six months in I discovered he took drugs. I was extremely anxious due to how up and down we were and also going downhill mentally after a cancer scare and pneumonia earlier in the year.

In December I cut my wrist. I was struggling with the anniversary of my brothers death and after a lovely night out together he just flipped and walked out. I didn't even know why.

I was stitched up but gradually struggled more and more. Worked full time trying to support my four children. In the new year I went to a house party with him. Him and his friends were all taking drugs. I took some too. However they nearly killed me. Shortly afterwards I had a breakdown and was seriously unwell for three months until I got stabilised on meds. They thought I had PTSD after the cancer scare and the scare I got from the drugs.

Whilst unwell we had a holiday booked for his birthday. I tried to go but was so unwell we had to come home. He then finished with me again on the train home. He changed his mind a few hours later but once back he began drinking a lot of wine. I was having flashbacks and suffering extreme anxiety. He fell asleep and I was having anxiety attacks one after the other. My mum phoned and took me out to hers. Gave me diazepam to calm me down.

Lots happened after that. My family told me he was emotionally abusing me. Believed he was a dealer. For two months I had nothing to do with him. But then got in contact on a weak moment. He told me my family wanted to keep me unwell. That he loved me and wanted it marry me. That the family was jealous of us. I took him back. For the next four months things were great. I started getting better.

Then he finished with me again. He was away at a competition. I was out with friends. Again out of the blue he dumped me. Again I took him back then last week he did it again. Went through for a comp, I was out with my mum. Woke up to two texts saying we were done.

Something snapped in me then. This time I didn't beg him back. I made no contact with him. Yesterday he started texting saying he was depressed and he had taken it out in me. I replied telling him I didn't care and to leave me alone. He kept texting and I got angry. I sent him some pretty nasty texts telling him to leave me alone. He then started saying he had taken something. I thought he was just trying to get a reaction. So I ignored him.

Tonight I had a text from his mum telling me he had taken an overdose. He is okay and in hospital. I phoned her and whilst polite she said to leave him alone to get on with his life. But that's what I had been doing. My head is such a mess. I feel guilty that I didn't believe him and alert someone. Guilty for the nasty texts but I put up with so much from him over the last fourteen months I was so angry that he wouldn't stop contacting me. Upset because I may not want to be with him anymore but I wouldn't want any harm to come to him. Angry because he did it and if he had died I would have had to carry that around with me forever. He knew I lost my brother to suicide and best friend.

I was getting better but tonight I feel back where I was during my breakdown. I'm convinced I'm the worst person in the world. Confused because I was good to him. Cooked his meals, downloaded films he liked, encouraged him to pursue his hobbies. Supported him with work problems. I don feel I've acted like a bad person but he tried to kill himself.

I don't know what I am looking for. I'm just a mess. I have no idea if he will try to get in contact again. I don't know what I should do.

OP posts:
slugseatlettuce · 07/09/2014 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallwivglasses · 07/09/2014 22:55

Yes I think you will be okay OP. Concentrate on your new job, your new house and lovely DC, maybe get some counselling - you'll be just fine. We'll done for breaking free from one of life's losers.

Direwolf · 08/09/2014 09:01

I'm doing better today. I know I did nothing wrong. He finished it. I moved on. I can't believe he has put this on me and I'm really angry about that. I'm angry that his mum seems to be holding me responsible even though I had told him numerous times that it was over and to stop contacting me. I did say some nasty things to him that night but only to get him to leave me alone. He was controlling and I'm so much happier without his presence in my life. Our last argument he told me that my problem is I have too many opinions and should learn to shut my mouth. Because I asked if there was any chance his mates son had actually been abused when he was accusing the mother of lying.

If I dared challenge anything he said he would speak to me like shit or split up with me. He hated any of the neighbourhood children being in my house even though I liked having them in. He didn't like my dog and my dog became so unsettle in the house he started peeing everywhere. I rehomed him in the end to a lovely farm where he is happy but I loved that dog. Even tried to have a go at me about my best friend saying she was just after me for money and that I should be making us and our future a priority whilst spending up to four hundred pound on poker. I couldn't breathe in the relationship.

And I'm furious he has done this.

OP posts:
tribpot · 08/09/2014 09:10

He told me that my problem is I have too many opinions and should learn to shut my mouth

There you go, then. Little woman, know your place.

No contact with him, no contact with his mum.

Time to get a new dog? It's a shame you had to rehome your old dog, although a kindness under the circumstances.

mummytime · 08/09/2014 09:22

Just print out and re-read your last post if you ever feel yourself weakening. He was trying to isolate you from every other support you had (your dog, your friends).
He wanted you to just be there for him, as you don't matter, you are just there to provide for him when he wants you.

If he continues to harass you you may need to see a lawyer, but hopefully he will crawl back to his rock.

Chocaholicmonster · 08/09/2014 09:47

Dear Direwolf, I can't really say more than what everyone else has said.
I suppose the only thing I can suggest is to block him on social media sites & change your number (therefore he or his family cannot contact you).
Concentrate on getting yourself back on the right track; you know you can, because you have. And remember, you're never alone; you have us lot on MN for any advise, listening or handholding you may need :) Thanks

Direwolf · 08/09/2014 17:37

I would have loved another dog but as I have just started full time work I would be out from eight till six every day which wouldn't be fair. I did get myself two kittens though as they are company for each other when I am gone Smile

He's been in contact today. First all nice and saying sorry. I replied saying I hoped he got better soon but nothing had changed and we were still over. He replied nastily and said I had kicked him when he was down. I reminded him that it was him that split with me for no reason at all and that I wouldn't accept him pinning his overdose on me. He replied saying he wished we could have a fresh start. I told him I didn't want one and we were over and to stop contacting me.

I know I have to change my number but it's going to be a huge amount of hassle. So many important places have it at the moment.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 17:39

You can block him from your number though, and your email if he has that.

How are you feeling today?

Direwolf · 08/09/2014 17:43

He will just text me from another phone.

Feeling sad. Angry. Proud of myself for not weakening. Mostly just sad. Home to my kittens soon though. Hard to be sad with them Smile

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 17:46

Your kittens made me Smile too - and I'm allergic!

Can you just let calls go to voicemail if you don't recognise the number for a while? He's not being fair on you.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2014 18:02

Be strong. You are NOT responsible for that man. He is just trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty for wanting to be happy yourself. Remember your first responsibility is to yourself and your own health. Just the fact that he turned nasty after you told him you weren't taking him back proves that his attempt was all about controlling you, not about really ending his life.

I agree to blocking him. If he tries to contact you from a different phone, block that number too. It may take a bit, but he'll get the message and stop trying. If possible, can you get some type of restraining or no contact order? Here in the US, if someone continues to contact you after you have told them to stop, it constitutes harassment and usually the police will visit and 'have a little talk' with the individual even without an order. Maybe they'll do the same there for you?

Vivacia · 08/09/2014 18:23

I thought you weren't going to contact him??

Direwolf · 08/09/2014 18:52

I didn't he contacted me. Due to his state of mind I chose to respond but only to reiterate we were over and he needed to focus on getting better. I also text his mum about the fact he had been in touch so she could keep an eye on him.

OP posts:
Direwolf · 08/09/2014 18:54

As I've said since he finished with me I haven't made any attempt to contact him in any way. He however has.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/09/2014 20:01

I can see what you're saying about "he contacted me first" but I would say that replying to texts and getting in to a text conversation is contact on your part.

TittyBojangles · 08/09/2014 20:25

I think from your post I've counted seven times he had dumped you and you've got back together. Even without the drugs and other issues is this actually a relationship? If you've only been together 14 months that's an average of 2 months between break ups, sounds pretty pointless to me. Don't waste any more time or energy on this man.

Squeegle · 08/09/2014 20:27

Can you change your number? He is messing with you, you were on the right track and you need to get back on!

Direwolf · 08/09/2014 21:29

Yes I shouldn't reply but it's been hard to know what to do for the best. If I ignored his texts would he try an overdose again. If I do reply telling him not to contact me am I just encouraging him to do exactly that. So I chose to reply to maintain I wasn't interested.

Deep down I'm a softie. I hate anyone being in pain. And I feel guilt as he supported me in the aftermath of my breakdown though not during whereas I've just walked away.

I don't want him back. I don't want to have to change my number. I'm just sad. I adored the guy once upon a time. And I tried hard to make us work.

OP posts:
tribpot · 08/09/2014 21:39

He makes his own choices and you are not responsible for them. Being in contact with him is no good for you. He doesn't want to be with you, he wants a house elf to do his bidding. You are better than that.

He needs to adjust - rapidly - to the new reality that he has created. The relationship is over. He needs to move on. Contact is not useful for achieving that.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/09/2014 01:13

"Yes I shouldn't reply but it's been hard to know what to do for the best. If I ignored his texts would he try an overdose again. If I do reply telling him not to contact me am I just encouraging him to do exactly that. So I chose to reply to maintain I wasn't interested."

But as long as he knows he can get you to respond he will continue the behaviour. Even replying to say you are not interested serves his purpose of making you respond to him. A negative response is still a response.

You must block him and then do not respond. Frankly I doubt if he'll try to OD again but even if he did, it is NOT your responsibility to prevent it. He is an adult and responsible for his own decisions.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2014 05:17

If I ignored his texts would he try an overdose again. If I do reply telling him not to contact me am I just encouraging him to do exactly that. So I chose to reply to maintain I wasn't interested.
Deep down I'm a softie. I hate anyone being in pain. And I feel guilt as he supported me in the aftermath of my breakdown though not during whereas I've just walked away.

You are wavering, feeling guilty and might take him back again out of sheer guilt, and not just guilt but hope that you are special enough to make his pain go away?

He is playing you.

You have to force yourself to go cold turkey here. What he is doing to you here is cruel. He knows you are a softy and he is manipulating you as if you were some sort of puppet.

He is not interested in any healing you might bring into his life, so you can disabuse yourself of any notion that you are in any way special enough to heal him, stop his inner pain, etc.

He is interested in wielding power over you. Not a relationship with the real you. As long as he has these enormous unfillable needs he knows you are willing to focus on him in hopes of the wonderful feelings you will have when you think your work on the relationship is bearing fruit -- the relationship is like a drug in that sense. In order to keep it going you have lost your better judgement as a mother and done drugs with him, and lost your dignity and taken him back over and over again after he has treated you really badly.

Please cut him out of your life completely, with absolutely no further contact. How he responds to that is entirely up to him. You are not responsible for his choices or his welfare. I think you can be sure he didn't take enough pills to actually top himself, and I suspect that he ODd somewhere he knew he would be found.

He will suck someone else into his narcissistic orbit within two weeks, I would bet money on it. Don't be hurt if he does. Count your blessings.

Vivacia · 09/09/2014 06:32

If I ignored his texts would he try an overdose again.

This is exactly the quandary his behaviour was designed to elicit in you. When you stood firm he even texted you saying, "don't text me".

Personally I don't feel you have the luxury to spend time being a softie about this. Please, please put your children first.

Fontella · 09/09/2014 06:39

Ignore, ignore, ignore!

Delete texts unread and do not respond to anything. All the time you continue to have any kind of dialogue with this man you will never be able to move on, and neither will he.

You can bring this contact to an end now if you choose to do so. Just stop reading, stop responding and block all channels of communication. If he turns up at your home - call the police.

Jenny70 · 09/09/2014 07:08

You should know your place, he says - yes, your place is far, far away from him.

Don't answer any more texts, don't respond to calls you don't know the number, change the number with all those organisations (pain, I know, but less of a pain that having him pester you and guilt you). If you don't answer, he won't know you've even read them.... less reward in sending bitter texts to an empty space.

He is putting this all on you, and you've been nothing but patient (more than!) with his wild and wierd ways.... enough. Your children are lovely, doing well etc, but if he creeps back into your lives, they will see this destructive behaviour and his treatment of you and it will affect them.

Thank the stars you're free of him, free of his behaviours, free of responsibilty for him and free to do and say whatever you want.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 08:10

I give it a week Sad