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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I respond?

46 replies

2Bemused · 07/09/2014 18:34

We have a long-distance relationship, 8 years up to now. I am older. For various reasons I am working away from my home during the week and he is alternating between his base office and another location about 240 miles away.
Due to changes in locations we hadn't seen one another for 3 months until yesterday, when he had suggested that he drive up & back from his "other" location. I did not know initially that he was still there. When I found out, I said I would book into a hotel near his flat. We often meet at this particular hotel, although I go to his place and he comes to my house. I then worked out the time he would spend travelling & said I wasn't keen for him to do this, but he said, please don't say no as I have arranged everything. He wasn't going to be staying the night as he had to get back for a meeting today (it's the industry he works in, nothing suspicious).
Anyway the whole thing was a disaster as I ended up suddenly feeling very, very ill, think headache of sledgehammer proportions which is still present, although not quite so bad, over 24 hours later. He did comment that I had suddenly turned strange looking and more or less sent me to bed. So he left again, after only 2 hours.
He did send me a text when he got back, but I didn't read it until early this morning. I responded & he told me I should get some more sleep (bad night due to headache etc.).
I have just had a long, angry-ish text berating me about the fact that he drove all that way, spent all that money on fuel & didn't even get a cup of coffee. He did drink a lot of water and ate all the nice fruit in my hotel room.
I am bemused and upset. I told him not to come as I didn't want him to do all that driving and I didn't know I was going to get a headache as I rarely have them.
I do not know how to reply to this angry text. I have transferred the fuel money to his account, though, as the subtext suggested this was his main concern.
I am not prepared to have a row about this, it is too silly, but I have held off replying until my fingers don't want to point out that I also drove quite a way, paid for a hotel room & missed my window of opportunity to do anything at my house other than the washing and ironing, because I think that would be childish.
How would you handle this?
I am now back near my workplace, which is about 180 miles from where we met up.
And I am upset about the whole stupid weekend.
We normally get on like a house on fire.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 18:44

I wouldn't dignify that with a response. If he's got any sense he'll apologise.

pippinleaf · 07/09/2014 18:47

I'd respond with something along the lines of 'it's a real shame as we both went to so much trouble to have a nice weekend together and it didn't go to plan - hopefully next time!' And leave it like that. No need to make a drama by responding to his stress?

Vivacia · 07/09/2014 18:55

I wouldn't reply.

Original poster

2Bemused · 07/09/2014 19:00

I do need to reply, he is clearly expecting something - probably a bit of male ego boosting.
I was thinking along the lines pippinleaf suggested.
Thanks.

OP posts:

Hissy · 07/09/2014 19:07

don't reply.

you did nothing wrong. he's been an insensitive and unsympathetic prick.

leave it to him to figure out how rude he's been.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 07/09/2014 19:07

Who says 'we normally get on like a house on fire' about a man they've been in a relationship with for 8 years?

He's your long term partner, not your accountant or your next door neighbour! And why haven't you seen him for three months? What kind of a relationship is that?

Are you just fuck buddies? You paid for the hotel room, he turns up and buggers off again when sex is suddenly not on the agenda. And then he BiLLS YOU for his petrol?

Is this 'relationship' usually this one-sided?

gincamparidryvermouth · 07/09/2014 19:10

I do need to reply, he is clearly expecting something

So what if he's expecting something?

Vivacia · 07/09/2014 19:15

I do need to reply, he is clearly expecting something

This is not a reason to reply!

Looseleaf · 07/09/2014 19:26

I'm a bit baffled too- you ask us as if you hardly know him, and he shows too little concern for you not being well/ sees it purely from his view. I think you did a lovely thing paying for his fuel when he was upset at the 'wasted' travel and you sound lovely. and from what you've said I also think you can do so much better than see him again but I am simply a random person who doesn't know you so may be wrong.

My dh if this isn't an unhelpful example would still be to feel glad to have come and done anything he could to help, check I was really ok etc. And been sorry but kind about it as would have minded above all that I wasn't feeling ok?

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 20:12

It's a long distance relationship and this is the sign that it's not working.

I wouldn't reply. What can you say to him? "sorry you acted like a dick" ???

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 20:16

so after 8 years, you're not allowed to have a headache. He didn't come just to be with you. He came for sex, and bitched about being out of pocket for the price of the petrol because you were ill? he sounds a real tool.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 07/09/2014 20:21

And can I ask why you regularly book a hotel when it's near to his flat?

Something about this relationship stinks.

Itsfab · 07/09/2014 20:31

You don't have to do anything at all. He is acting like a prick and after 8 years I would expect you to love each other. Seems like there isn't even like.

mathsgsceresit · 07/09/2014 20:33

Why do you need a hotel room when you're near his flat?

Whocansay · 07/09/2014 20:36

You haven't seen each other for 3 months. You told him not to come, he came anyway, but you were ill. You go to a hotel instead of his flat? Why? Then he expects you to reimburse him for petrol, presumably because he didn't get sex. You paid. Again, why?

Does this sound healthy to you?

Is he married?

I wouldn't respond at all. You haven't done anything wrong, so why would you try and placate him? He sounds like a complete arse.

pictish · 07/09/2014 20:39

I agree that you do not need to reply. So what if he is expecting something?
If you must respond (and I know you will) make it something like 'I see' or 'righto then'.

Don't offer up any explanations or apologies. he was there, you were there, you both know wghat happened. Just leave it with him until he understands he's been a toad.

pictish · 07/09/2014 20:41

And reimbursing him for the petrol money...just no.
You're not a service he has been let down by!

Original poster

2Bemused · 07/09/2014 21:41

Who mentioned sex? And what has that got to do with it?
He offered to stay with me, but as he wanted me to go to sleep, there wasn't much point, especially as he had a long drive.
It was just the reaction 24 hours later that surprised me.
Anyway I have responded, briefly.

OP posts:

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 21:45

Oh< i thought he'd left because the pair of you didn't have sex (because you had a headache?). So, why did he consider the journey a waste then? What was he expecting/?

What did you say?

Joysmum · 07/09/2014 21:46

I'd have replied with:

'You're not the only one disappointed and out of pocket'.

Hissy · 07/09/2014 22:02

Who mentioned sex? And what has that got to do with it?

well love, after 3m of not seeing each other, if sex isn't on your minds, then there IS no relationship.

this whole thing doesn't add up! why the hotel? why the booty call that isn't?

Original poster

2Bemused · 08/09/2014 05:14

Oh dear, well I obviously have completely the wrong idea about relationships then and so must he! Strangely we enjoy talking to one another, amongst other things.
We are neither of us spring chickens & have no biological urge to procreate, which isn't possible anyway.
Yes, we do have very good sex, but equally we can also spend time together talking, eating or cuddled up watching rubbish tv.

OP posts:

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 08/09/2014 05:55

Well we all do that sometimes, 2Bemused but after 3 months apart……and you aren't married with small children, so the exhaustion/lack of opportunity isn't an issue….I don't really get it.

If you needed to sleep he could have at least stayed and cuddled you until he had to leave at the original planned time, instead of going 'Oh well there's no point in sticking around if you're going to sleep, so after that long drive I may as well just leave.'

And I still don't get the hotel thing.

How old are you both? Still working, so not ancient.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 08/09/2014 06:11

'Due to changes in locations we hadn't seen one another for 3 months until yesterday, when he had suggested that he drive up & back from his "other" location. I did not know initially that he was still there. When I found out, I said I would book into a hotel near his flat.'

Why didn't you know he was still there? Surely you knew he wasn't at his usual location, given that you hadn't seen him for three months - which was presumably the reason why? And why did you not want him to 'travel all that way'? How many months would it be okay not to see him?

OK upon reading your OP again, I get the feeling that you came across as being in a bad mood and distracted and irritable with him when he arrived, and you then blamed your headache. You say the whole thing was a disaster - perhaps it wasn't immediately evident to him that you were ill and there was a bad atmosphere from the off and he felt that the heartache was perhaps an excuse on your part?

So he feels he put himself out to be with you and you failed to make enough of a fuss over him? Is that why he went off earlier than planned?

His reaction is still unreasonable given that you were ill, but at least it makes a bit more sense to me now. Though I am bewildered about why you book into a hotel near his flat, after 8 years with the man.

And by how you can consider yourselves 'together' even with three month breaks. I am getting the impression that this is a slightly odd and very non-commital long term relationship, but usual standards.

Vivacia · 08/09/2014 08:22

I'm guessing that her boyfriend is already in a relationship, married.

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