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Original poster

Did he do anything wrong? And can I do anything about it?

34 replies

crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 16:32

At the age of 15 I left school after getting into some trouble. I was sexually assaulted, and completely went of the rails. My parents got my a tutor. He was young and he was the only person I could talk about things to. At the same time to my shame I started selling sex for money, I also told him about this but he chose to do nothing. I he was in his early 20's.

At this time I honestly thought we were friends. He would come around to my house do some work with me, and we would chat. At the time he seemed like a really nice guy. He would do things like buy cigarettes for me.

He went off for the summer, and I stayed at home. I was in a really bad place and had started to get my head back together. I was not 16. He texted me when he got home and persuaded me to meet up with him. It was around 2am in the morning, and we ended up having sex in his car. I didn't object, and at the time didn't see it as anything to be ashamed off. He did do some things I wasn't happy with (think fingers where they should not be), but I didn't say anything at the time.

This was a few years ago. After that he completely ignored me. I told my friend who was angry and she text him. He just denied everything.

The weird thing is, he has just added me on facebook. It's come out of the blue.

So did he do anything wrong? If I reported him would anything happen? I feel like he took advantage off me when I was in a vulnerable position.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 07/09/2014 16:40

You were under 16 therefore couldn't legally give consent, I'm sorry but that's rape. Especially with the bits you weren't happy with.

Original poster
crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 16:42

I was 16 when it happened.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 16:42

An adult having sexual intercourse with someone under 16 is illegal - that's the main thing he's done wrong. As someone in a position of authority and trust, he's breached that trust and abused his authority which means he should not be in any role that involves vulnerable young people. It's all part of a bigger picture, however, involving repeated sexual assault. That you were receiving money at any point is immaterial, as is that you believed you were acting voluntarily. Very damaging all round and I wonder if you've ever spoken to anyone about what happened (besides this man) such as a counsellor.

If you report this tutor there would be an investigation and potentially a prosecution depending on the strength of the case against him. You were exploited and assaulted. It's not your fault. It shouldn't have happened.

Original poster
crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 16:42

Should have read now 16, and not "not 16".

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 16:44

I don't think it matters that you were 16. This man was your tutor. Like teachers responsible for the welfare of students, he had a responsibility not to engage in inappropriate friendships and definitely not a sexual relationship. He crossed a very serious line.

ilovepowerhoop · 07/09/2014 16:46

so it was consensual sex at the time? What would you be reporting then as I gather he wasnt your tutor at that time either?

Nomama · 07/09/2014 16:48

His actions could be seen as having groomed you until you were 16.

Report him. Don't carry the responsibility for his actions.

ilovepowerhoop · 07/09/2014 16:48

was he the tutor at that time though? He went away for the summer and they met up again afterwards.

Original poster
crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 16:49

Your correct - it was consensual at the time. And no he was not my tutor at the time. I'd already finished my gcse's then. It just seems wrong that he would act like that.

Like buying cigarettes. He also did nothing when I explained that I was selling sex for money. All he did was tell me to stop, and explained to me it was dangerous.

It was more how he just completely ignored me after. I was just dropped like a stone. And then denying it. And now adding me on facebook. It's just messed up.

OP posts:
ilovepowerhoop · 07/09/2014 16:51

I am not saying he isnt an arsehole and he has treated you badly but I would just ignore the fb request and try and move on from him.

FeelTheNoise · 07/09/2014 16:52

Please do consider talking to the police, they surprised me by being so lovely. I chose not to press charges in the end, but they supported me throughout and helped me explore my options. In this often horrible and misogynististic world, it helped me so much that the police believed my attacker to be a criminal.

Your late childhood is heartbreaking. I really hope that you are in a safe place now Thanks it seems that you are confronting your experiences, which can be so painful. Please take really good care of yourself my love x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 16:53

Are you saying you wanted him to act like a boyfriend? If you reported him would it be to secure justice for abuse, or to get him back for dropping you like a stone?

Original poster
crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 16:56

No I didn't. But at the time I was pretty vulnerable and he truly made me believe that he cared. He made me feel like he was someone who wanted to help me. And now it's clear he didn't.

I also don't like the idea that he can walk around and people think he is a great person. It feels like I am the only one who knows what he is truly like.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 16:59

Do your parents know what happened?

Original poster
crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 17:00

No. And as things stand I have no intention of telling them. How would they feel knowing they were paying someone to act like this...

OP posts:
should · 07/09/2014 17:00

I think you need to separate out your motives here.

Original poster
crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 17:01

So did he do anything illegal or not? Why do you think he is adding me now?

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/09/2014 17:02

He may not have been doing anything illegal as such (does he law cover someone coming onto someone they are teaching, outside of school?)

But whether he did or didn't, he was clearly acting wrongly. It's worth speaking to the police and seeing what the position is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 17:04

If you're planning to report this man to the police then you're going to need as much support as humanly possible. Your parents will be rightly horrified at his behaviour but I think they would fell much more unhappy knowing you tried to deal with this yourself and didn't trust them to help you. No parent wants that.

The same applies, incidentally, to the original incident of sexual abuse that you said sent you off the rails. Do they know what happened there? Do they (wrongly) think you were just a 'wild child?' Have you sought professional help to deal with the impact that event had on you? What has happened to the person that attacked you?

Nomama · 07/09/2014 17:05

You will only know if you talk to the police and get them to work through it with you.

You are entitled to resent him, but, as cog said, need to be sure of your motives. That said, the police will help you work through all of that. They should refer you to a counsellor and you can get it all out.

Be brave...

Original poster
crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 17:08

They know about what happened at school. I did go through counselling. The police did nothing at that time. I was basically not believed. It's all pretty raw but I was actually sectioned for a short while. It was a mix of hurt, me abusing myself and drugs which sent me over the edge.

However I do feel strongly that he is a predator. It seems from my research that he hasn't broken the law. So I am not going to strip myself down again like that.

I also think that I didn't deserve it. I might not have said no, but a man who was 23/24 should have known better than to stick his fingers up a 16 year old bum whilst stinking of booze and having sex in his car. He knew what he was doing was wrong - it just doesn't seem like the law sees it as wrong.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 17:09

"Why do you think he is adding me now?"

Could be any number of reasons, some more sinister than others. Men who groom young girls with the objective of sexual exploitation - and that's why he bought you cigarettes etc - are very persistent and patient. They're also deluded. He may have rationalised what happened as you being a legitimate girlfriend rather than - what you really were - coerced by someone abusing their authority.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 17:11

"I was basically not believed"

We believe you. And, with the current high-profile cases in the news of vulnerable girls, just the same as yourself being the target for criminals working as gangs, plying them with drink & drugs etc, I think the police will take you much more seriously than they did even just a few years ago.

If the police and school were involved in the original incident, were your parents supportive?

Original poster
crazygirl101 · 07/09/2014 17:16

Cogito they were supportive up to the point of the police saying there was nothing they could do. Then it was moved on and forgotten about. However I do wish to go into that now. At the time I didn't want to go into it and they did not push me.

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 07/09/2014 17:33

Could you talk it through with an organisation like Rape Crisis? They would be able to offer informed support.

Certainly block him on fb and have nothing to do with him.