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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am i right to b upset?

36 replies

Cailindeas35 · 07/09/2014 11:40

Hi all.
Longtime lurker, first time poster.
I am in a relationship with a man for the last 18 months. Today is my birthday, but no present no card, nothing from him.
Backround, he spent all last week asking wat i wanted for my birthday and what wuld i like to do. I kept saying i dont kno, i dont mind, and at one point i just said flippantly i wanted nothing. So i think he took me literally and got me nothing. I wanted him to get me something he wanted to get me, make an effort. Im very upset been crying all nite and day. He knows im upset but not wat im upset about.
Am i right to b upset or is it my own stupid fault?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/09/2014 11:43

Last week you didn't communicate clearly. You can do the same again today, or you can try something different. Today I would tell him, clearly and calmly, what you are feeling. "I'm feeling really upset and a bit silly. I know last week I said I didn't want anything for my birthday but actually I'm really hurt that you didn't buy me a card and a little surprise. Shall we go out for a special meal tonight?".

2cats2many · 07/09/2014 11:45

The day isn't over yet. Are you sure he doesn't have something planned for later?

Original poster
Cailindeas35 · 07/09/2014 11:50

Thks for ur replies. I know ur right vivacia, that is my biggest problem, not saying what i want and how i actually feel. Which drives him crazy, dont blame him. Ill text in a while and suggest a drink later and explain how ive been feeling.
2cats2many, he may well have. But i think hes making a point re my inability to say what i actually want.

OP posts:
TheHobbit · 07/09/2014 11:54

Be specific with men, or else you will be disappointed. I generally buy what I want for my birthday and give my partner the receipt to pay it back lol. But he also needs to buy me something as a surprise when I wake up as I have to unwrap something.

Original poster
Cailindeas35 · 07/09/2014 11:56

Thehobbit, ive learned that now. Lol. Feel a bit of an eijit.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/09/2014 11:57

I used to be very similar OP. It was how I was brought up, "If you loved me, I wouldn't have to tell you what I was thinking". Actually a really stupid and unloving way to think - but I didn't realise until it was pointed out to me.

Life is much, much easier if you say what you need.

Original poster
Cailindeas35 · 07/09/2014 12:21

I agree totally. I have been like that a long time. And ive realised, i must be so annoying, never saying what i actually want. I had made good progress in the last year, but slipped without realising it.
He is a very thoughtful, generous man. But he is very direct, says what he wants, comprimises too. But finds my inability to say what i want annoying.
Thk you all for your advice. Ive calmed considerably and will txt him later and explain.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 07/09/2014 12:29

Happy Birthday.
My DP is similar to yours. If I say I don't want a pressie or don't bother, then he doesn't. If I do want a present then he will try hard to get something I like or I buy it and hand it to him to wrap.

Don't play mind games. You get upset, he gets annoyed.

Shake yourself down and start say what you'd like (not just referring to pressies). You will feel much happier inside.

Go and have a good evening out to celebrate your birthday and that you've given yourself a kick up the bum.

TonyThePony · 07/09/2014 12:36

Flowers HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Flowers

I think something will appear... Don't write the day off just yet but if it doesn't, yeah just tell him you feel a bit silly and a bit sad but that you would've liked to feel a bit special with a nice card and a bit of effort...

I hope you end up having a lovely day! Smile

DarceyBustle · 07/09/2014 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cailindeas35 · 07/09/2014 12:50

Thks for the birthday wishes and the kind helpful replies.
Yes i truly have given myself a kick in the bum and learned my lesson.
I wont make the same mistake again.

OP posts:
abbykins3 · 07/09/2014 17:05

Is it any wonder that men say the can't understand women?

Vivacia · 07/09/2014 17:26

One woman does not represent all women Abby.

sykadelic · 07/09/2014 18:01

It drives me CRAZY trying to think of things for my husband. Our first year married I got him things that he'd been talking about months ago, or that I thought he'd like, and I was totally wrong. He felt bad because it was stuff he wouldn't use and I felt bad for "failing". So instead for his birthday we have a standing order of "tell me what you want and I'll buy it otherwise I won't get anything". Works for us.

My birthday, I give my husband ideas, but I don't pick anything. I make conscious effort to think of things because I know it's stressful otherwise.

This year I needed a camera but it was close to my birthday and I didn't know if my husband had picked it and needed to get it before my birthday for an event so I outright said "I need to ask but don't really want to... did you get me a camera? If not I'm going to get one". He hadn't, he'd gotten another of my suggestions.

I do agree he should have at least got you something, and maybe he has and you don't know yet. Be upfront from now on and give him a list of hobbies you're following up on, or a gift card to somewhere that you'd like, or movie tickets, or dinner somewhere nice... at the least!

TracyBarlow · 07/09/2014 18:09

I don't think it would have been difficult for him to buy a box of chocolates, some flowers and a card FFS. if you've only been together for 18 months then he should be making a bigger effort.

I disagree with most ofmthe posters on here and I don't think you should be blaming yourself for your boyfriend not getting you anything at all for your birthday. I don't think saying 'I'm not sure what I want for my birthday' is playing mind games, or not being clear. Unless he's really stupid, he should know that you didn't actually mean to get you nothing at all.

I hope something has materialised OP. if my now H had dine that after only 18 months together I'd probably be questioning things. He doesn't sound very kind, and kindness is my no 1 requirement for a partner.

pinkfrocks · 07/09/2014 18:11

Flowers or a box of choccies is not a huge deal and I'd have hoped that not knowing what I wanted would still mean there'd be a card or a small gesture.

I think you are right to be upset.

Happy Birthday Wine

Vivacia · 07/09/2014 18:20

After a few replies of "I don't know" she said, "I want nothing" and he took her at her word. Perhaps he knows somebody like this, who genuinely wants no fuss, no presents so it didn't seem odd to him Tracy.

pinkfrocks · 07/09/2014 18:26

But not even a card :(

Vivacia · 07/09/2014 18:33

Yes, that's pretty thoughtless.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 07/09/2014 18:36

DON'T YOU DARE text him to explain/apologise or ask him out for a drink! Is he from a distant planet where they have never heard of birthdays? Is he unaware of the concept of cards, jewellery, perfume, flowers?

You don't have to give someone a LIST in order to get a present. Bloody Hell! He's completely messed up your birthday - no card, gift or dinner - and you think it's YOUR fault?!

Ignore him. Find a lovely friend to go out with tonight for a drink. Do not give this selfish idiot one more minute of your tim, especially not tonight. He should be making it up to you!

ArgyMargy · 07/09/2014 18:39

Hmmm. Question is, would OP have been OK with just getting a box of chox or some flowers? Strikes me she really wanted him to get her something special and he actually did fail the test...

WhatsGoingOnEh · 07/09/2014 18:40

I hate people who badger me for ideas for gifts. Isn't the general idea of birthdays and Christmas that we all take a moment to think of something nice to buy other people? Since when is it a soulless exchange of Amazon Wishlists?

If he's taken you literally, he's "punishing" you. No man with half a brain would EVER assume that his gf would be happy receiving sod all for her birthday.

wfielder · 07/09/2014 19:31

I don't get the business like attitude of some posters.

A bit of thoughtfulness, with a dollop of romance, is required here.

Mammanat222 · 07/09/2014 19:48

What happened on your Birthday last year?

I tell my OH each year what I want to do, neither of us are big on Birthday's and he knows that any grand gesture would probably be wasted on me.
Vice Versa.

Although over the years we've had a few indulgent pressies we've both enjoyed. He bought me our cat years ago and I've taken him away a few times [I went too!!]

When it comes to Birthdays we always ask - OK so it's not romantic but it's practical. Last year we had a take away and shared a bottle of wine for my Birthday. No pressies, a card from the child. This year we had a week away!!!

The key is communication though, if you are the kind of lady that loves surprises and big gestures then he needs to know this.

Mammanat222 · 07/09/2014 19:51

PS: I do think it's a bit shitty if he's just gone AWOL though and not even asked if you had plans / wanted to do something with him.

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