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Original poster

email from friend's DH

30 replies

giroux · 06/09/2014 20:39

Hi - some advice needed. Long term MNer & oftentimes lurker here, nc for obvious reasons.

I have a very good friend, who has been a great support to me and my DCs during my divorce, but we were great friends even before my marriage collapsed.

Her and her husband have a notoriously unhappy marriage. That is none of my business and her and I never discuss her marital woes, although she does with two other mutual friends. I am happy to not discuss it with her bc i don't want to be the poster girl for bad marriages just cos mine ended in divorce!!

Our DCs are VERY close friends. I invited them all round for dinner this weekend, which is normal. Two days ago i got this email from her DH.Should I tell her? Telling her is my instinct because i feel secretive and like a liar if i don't mention it. Or will that destroy my friendship with her (which is selfish of me)

Hi Giroux,
Thanks for the dinner invite. Not sure if i will make it. Mostly since i am hoping WIFE might actually talk to you. She'll deny it for years, but things quite terrible with us. And she'd shoot me for writing this too.
Sounds like you are doing great - and that is wonderful.
Best,
HUSBAND

OP posts:
TeaAndALemonTart · 06/09/2014 20:42

Don't tell her, he's hoping that she will open up to you. Sounds like he thinks talking to a friend may help, I think he's trying to ask you for help.

Liara · 06/09/2014 20:44

I wouldn't say anything. He has asked you not to, and has said his wife might benefit from talking to you, and that she might want to. Showing it to her would just cause more problems between them and most likely make her clam up.

I don't think it is deceitful to keep to yourself an email which was meant for your ears only, and that was not in any way inappropriate.

LovesPeace · 06/09/2014 20:46

I would treat it in confidence, as intended.

Seems to be a cry for help - for you to help by him giving you both time alone. The intention seems to be to benign rather than malicious.
Poor woman, poor man.

Finola1step · 06/09/2014 20:46

What's to tell? That he ducked out of a family invite in the hope that your friend might actually open up to you.

They are both unhappy. He knows it. She knows it. Don't respond to the email.

ShatnersBassoon · 06/09/2014 20:47

Don't say anything to her. You wouldn't be doing either of them any favours. The poor bloke sounds sad and defeated.

AdoraBell · 06/09/2014 20:50

Agree, he's looking for help and there's nothing to tell.

Original poster
giroux · 06/09/2014 20:51

Thanks all. I think you are right, there is nothing to tell so i'll keep quiet.

I think what i am worried about is that they have some weird dynamic where they regularly read each other's emails (for some weird trust reason) and I worry that if she sees that he told me this and that i didn't mention it, she might be pissed off with me.

Sorry to drip feed but she has a habit of shutting people out and cutting them out and I guess, TBH I am worried about it happening to me and I really don't want to lose her friendship.

OP posts:
LuvDaMorso · 06/09/2014 20:52

Are you going to reply?

Maybe along the lines of she's your friend you are there for her, but it is her decision to talk to you or not and you wouldn't want to appear to be conspiring behind her back.

NewEraNewMindset · 06/09/2014 20:53

He sounds like a nice man, do you know why the marriage is in trouble?

Original poster
giroux · 06/09/2014 20:57

He's not that nice. one of the reasons their marriage is in trouble as one of the conditions of their marriage is that she has to have sex with him a minimum of once a day. Seriously.

And pre-kids they negotiated that she would get a two week break after giving birth to any children. Yup.

Apparently he has an extraordinary sex drive so it is not really his fault...

The marriage is in trouble cos she resents the hell out of him.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/09/2014 21:15

The marriage is in trouble cos she resents the hell out of him.

I'm not surprised.

Stripyhoglets · 06/09/2014 21:25

I would maybe send a quick reply saying that if she wants to talk then you will listen but that obviously it would have to be in confidence, sorry you can't make it.... Something vague along those lines so he knows not to try and get info out of you.
It sounds like he's sexually abusive tbh, not suprised there are problems.

MrsWinnibago · 06/09/2014 21:27

He wants you to talk to her...to give her an ear and an opportunity to share. Can you maybe see her alone?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/09/2014 21:32

Oh. My. God. Do not reply to this horrible man. Tell his wife about the email and ask her if there is anything she wants to talk about. If he was a nice, normal guy I wouldn't suggest this but he's a horrible sexually abusive toad so you really don't owe their relationship any consideration.

Original poster
giroux · 06/09/2014 21:43

He is awful and i agree that it is abusive but as she didn't tell me this directly, i have always stayed out it, IYKWIM (I found out through a mutual friend who was very distressed when friend told her).

She is very successful in a male dominated career and he often puts her down in public and makes out that she is unreasonable and that he is put upon...

I guess what I didn't realise until after i wrote my OP was that I feel that he is kind of doing the same thing with his email to me (reading between the lines) and it has pissed me off! Plus, as i said earlier, I'm really sad that if she finds it, she might stop being my friend.

I guess i don't know what kind of help I'm asking for from MN, I just feel annoyed that he has involved me in his side of things.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/09/2014 21:45

Don't reply, just tell your friend.

DancingDinosaur · 06/09/2014 21:49

I'd mention it to her.

NewEraNewMindset · 06/09/2014 21:50

Omg he sounds horrific. Why the hell did she agree to this sex contract and would a sex contract even be a valid contract FFS? The mind boggles.

Finola1step · 06/09/2014 21:55

Scrap my earlier post.

Your friend is in trouble. Talk to her, face to face. Tell her you are worried about her. That you are there for her. But do so in the knowledge that she may not want to talk. She may see you as the friend who she can have a nice time without discussing the shit.

Back2Two · 06/09/2014 21:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster
giroux · 06/09/2014 21:56

I think she agreed to it because although she is very successful she has massive self esteem issues because had an awful (abusive) childhood.

And i think in the early days he swept her off his feet. He is very handsome and popular and outgoing and is from a very artsy, wealthy family. And i think she feels guilty because he was married when she met him so she is punishing herself. Who knows.

But she has paid a huge price for breaking up his first marriage (and I say that as someone who's own marriage broke down because of an OW).

OP posts:
Original poster
giroux · 06/09/2014 21:58

ok, thanks all. I'll bring it up with her.

All feedback is appreciated as I was in a muddle about what to do and i am always keen not to appear as the bitter divorced person who is anti-marriage!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/09/2014 22:14

I disagree with the early posters saying not to tell her, don't get drawn into this blokes games and collude with him behind your friends back.

Your loyalty should be to her, and even though there's a possibility it'll hurt her or she'll kick off about you saying it, you'll have at least given her the chance of being forewarned of how bad he thinks it's getting.

'as one of the conditions of their marriage is that she has to have sex with him a minimum of once a day'

WTF?? I'm imagining the congregations faces if that one was included in the vows! Shock

HumblePieMonster · 06/09/2014 22:22

Am I the only one thinking if wife is Giroux, husband is free for a night out with his other woman? What a nasty piece of work he is. I'm all in favour of married people having lots of sex but making it a condition is inhuman.

TeaAndALemonTart · 06/09/2014 22:29

He sounds like a dick, ignore my first post, tell her to leave him.

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