Staying in marriage for son doing GCSEs

[Novida]

I am in a predicament that has evolved over a period of three years or so. I read some clearly flirtatious texts between my husband and a customer of his by complete accident a year ago. I was stunned as he had been going through an extremely difficult time because of an accident he had been involved in. Not physical injury to him but it affected him badly. We had come through the worst and were re-building ourselves and he was coming out of the depression I think he was in. He would never seek help for this however much he was coaxed by his family and I. He thought it a sign of weakness.
I confronted him with the text discovery and he was very apologetic. Claimed it was nothing more than stupid flirtation and said he would stop it immediately. We talked it through, he couldn't give an explanation as to what had made him think it was ok to text the woman. She lives very close to us and although I don't know her, I know of her as my husband has worked for her from time to time. I took the decision to believe and trust him-he was in bits at my initial reaction as I made him leave the house for three days I was so angry. admittedly I had to dig deep to do move on, but I tried to see it from his view point. I have never brought it up again and I think he believes we have moved on....
The reality is, I have not. When this incident happened I switched off and have never switched back on towards him. I am going through the motions as a mum and wife in every way and must be doing a good job as he is oblivious to me being any different.
However, it is becoming more and more difficult and I am finding more and more things about him that I don't like. Our son is now in GCSE final year and I have this goal in my head of getting him through to June and then just letting it all out.
Two things stop me from telling DH how I am feeling. I honestly believe if I do I will not be able to stop it coming out and there is a lot of 'stuff' from the last few years I feel I have had to tolerate as a result of his depression. I honestly believe we will end up splitting. I don't want this to happen when my son is in this really important year of school. We are in the middle of a big property renovation. If I tell him now and I say I can't go on any longer how can I expect him to finish off the house? I can't ask him to do that.
As you can see I am in a complete muddle about the whole situation.
I am not afraid of going it alone. Have a good well-paid job and great friends and family. I have only fessed up my feelings to one friend who is being very supportive.
Any advice welcome mumsnetters!! New to this but have lurked and realise I will get both sides. Believe me, I have been supportive beyond belief of DH and feel my support supply has run dry.

No real advice but regarding your son's GCSE year, if he's going to take A levels you have three years of important years so don't leave it a year based on that. This time next year, you will have the same dilemma. Good luck anyway.

Fully aware of that too Kimaroo. Somehow I feel if I can get him through this year and get the foundations in place he will make it through the A'levels. Thanks

Two things: one - how do you think your husband will take it if you share this with him? Is he a reasonable person? Would he be sad but accepting?

And the second- how mature and balanced is your son? Is it something you could envisage talking about with him in a slightly adult to adult way when you and your husband have come to an agreement?

Are you feeling fed up of 'carrying the load'?
Perhaps you're feeling unappreciated and that your efforts haven't been acknowledged.
Maybe if you did talk to him, you could work together to improve the situation?
I think you have to really think about what might make you give it another go, if there is anything. It might be worth having the talk if you're going to stay in the marriage til next summer. It may be more bearable at least.

I think that, in your situation, I would make the same decision.

I don't think you can stay in this situation beyond your son's GCSEs - my parents were in the process of separating whilst I was doing my A Levels. It was only an issue because of the way my mother handled it and an illness I had that compounded it - I still did well enough though.

Separating during the final months of his GCSEs could really fuck them up for him. But separating when they've finished and supporting him towards his A Levels is probably the best you can do in the circumstances.

I don't envy you this situation and I think you are incredibly strong for putting your son's needs above your own.

Good luck from me too.

There's never a good time to end a marriage. If it's not GCSEs there's not wanting to spoil Christmas, or a significant birthday, or the family holiday.. There's always something on the horizon. I'd have thought that, if you did something now at the start of the school year & flagged up to your DS's teachers that he might need extra support, that would be better than expecting him to study etc in an environment where Dad is depressed and Mum is barely keeping a lid on her anger.

This is a tricky one.

I also think that, in your situation, I would stay until the end of my son's GCSEs (and possibly even A Levels) and then initiate a split.

However, if you do that and don't say anything to your husband, I think that when you do tell him you can't say that's what you were doing. I think your husband would feel completely betrayed if he knew you'd been living a lie for months / years (it would be OK if you let him believe it was a shorter period), especially if you are having sex with him and saying you love him during this period.

Alternatively could you tell your husband how you are feeling and ask him to help you put on a joint front for the next few months? Or would he be unable to do that?

We talked it through, he couldn't give an explanation as to what had made him think it was ok to text the woman.

He could do it without you finding out, and that was good enough for him. Respect and loyalty didn't come in to it for you and your son.

I took the decision to believe and trust him-he was in bits at my initial reaction as I made him leave the house for three days I was so angry.

He was in bits because he felt sorry for himself.

I would tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what the plan is. Live amicably in the same house, support your son but don't spend any more of your life denying your feelings and living a lie.

You need to speak to your husband first: are you absolutely sure your marriage isn't salvageable with counselling etc? Flirty texts are not on, but don't need to be the absolute end of things, IMO. You did mention he was depressed and therefore not himself. Perhaps the attention made him feel good about himself. You say you haven't spoken about it since, which really means that you have totally failed to resolve the matter in your own head and are harbouring mistrust and resentment.

Addressing your concerns about splitting, Kimaroo is right: you'll wait until his GCSES are over, then it will be his A-levels, next it will be university and you won't want to upset him when he is away from home for the first time. I'd concentrate on dealing with things now, if I were you: you can't live an unhappy lie for several years.

Assuming that the worst happens and, after chatting and maybe marriage counselling, the worst happens and you split, it may not be anywhere near as awful as you imagine. As a teacher and form tutor, I can honestly say that I have been a tutor to something like 40/50 secondary age children whose parents have separated and you would be surprised at how well many of them do cope. Those that don't cope tend to have families where violence or blatant adultery is the cause, which causes them all kinds of feelings of fear, betrayal and anger. They feel helpless. Where a separation is more civil and amicable, they definitely do cope better. I know that isn't true for every child, but I can only tell you what I know from working closely with teenagers.

As there is no other woman for your son to have to see, you might find that he copes better knowing it is an amicable separation / divorce. The hardest thing for him will be the shock: as you say, you have been carrying on as if all is well. That's why I think you need to at least have a go at discussing the issues with your husband first.

I should add that I don't have a 14/15 year old child, so all my advice is based solely on teaching pupils that age. Other mums with older teenagers doing GCSES may be better placed to advise...

Redroom the OP has tried, why should she try further to the cost of her own mental health? Perhaps you should get depressed and start sexting a neighbour?

A split isn't "the worse happening".

My parents split up when I was doing my GCSEs, actually when I was doing my final exams. Tbh it was a relief. I knew things weren't right between them for a long time and both of them were unhappy, my mum especially. It was worse waiting for the axe to fall than when it actually did. Kids can pick up when parents aren't in a happy relationship and this can affect them more imo.

Discuss with your husband and see where you can go from there.

"you have totally failed to resolve the matter in your own head"

I think the converse. Post revelation of an affair there are high emotions running about and often a strong motivation to hold everything together, keep it all normal, 'talk it through', 'move on' and lots of other clichés. It's only later, once the dust has settled and things aren't so panicky, that someone can think clearly & work out how they really feel about what happened. They might look at the partner in a new light and not like what they see.

I think the OP is at that stage and not 'unresolved' at all.

The op has said that the texts are not the only issues here, she has heavily indicated that it has just served to make her look back at a lot of other behaviour she has been tolerating.

She is not prepared to take this on anymore and it seems the flirtation is a catalyst, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

I think op you sounds very level headed and are able to get your proverbial ducks in a row, your son may well have noticed a lot of things over the years, maybe gauge his reaction on the quiet subtly and see what he says.

Thank you all for your sound advice and for relating your personal teenager experiences too.
As Cog has said very astutely I do feel I have 'resolved' this - my DH was unwilling to admit any more than 'stupid mistake'. I am a great believer in not scratching the scab off old wounds, so made a commitment to my DH after many heart to hearts that I would accept his apology and we would move forward. I had hoped, naively but with an element of optimism,
that I would be able to get on with it. There was, however, also a part of me that recognised that after dust settling I might struggle and this is where I find myself today- DS's 16th birthday. A milestone and a day to reflect. So much to be proud of in my boy. I know he will be fine though I am not prepared to risk the GCSEs. I am heartened by those of you who have been through similar and thank you for the reassurances.
I have read and reflected on all of your posts. Yes I think DH was looking for attention in flirtatious texting - I had started a new better paid job as I was also desperately trying to keep things from financially caving in around us as he was (self-employed) working less and less. I felt like he had dumped on me from a great height when I found the flirtatious texts. This was how I was being 're-paid'?! He had been suicidal at points in the previous 12 months so I was doing everything I could to take the pressure off him so we could keep the house. (FYI we recently sold the property which has relieved the financial pressure).
So, here I am a year on and now I can't let go of the betrayal even though he apologised profusely. Today I have, with all of your help, faced the reality of the fact that no matter what he says or does now my love and respect for him has died.
I have decided to push on through to the final home stretch next June and then make the break.
If I open up now I believe it will be head in hands 'depression' as this is how he reacts to most stressful situations. Yes we could try counselling, but he is not a man who would be able to keep the brave face on for DS. I hate to admit this but I think I have had enough and don't believe I can cope with another winter with him in a dark place!

Thank you all again for giving your time and advice on a Saturday morning . It has been incredibly helpful for me to write this down and to hear your views.

Okay, I just don't think that pretending things are fine is resolving the issue at all. You said you haven't spoken about the texts at all since. I'm not sure why people think that failing to discuss something and bottling it all up is 'resolving' it. You are giving yourself one solution which is to leave him at some point and I do think quitting a marriage is a worst case scenario: a best case scenario is that you are able to work through things.

I also never said that depression was an excuse. What he did is not acceptable. However, depression makes people act in ways that are unlike themselves when they are not depressed. I have significant experience of what I am talking about, which is why I wrote it. I think some posters like a bit of drama in someone else's life and aren't really looking at the facts, which are that some flirty texts were sent during a time when your husband was depressed, he was honest and apologetic about it, stopped immediately and presumably there has been no repeat of it. I think to be thinking about walking away from a marriage when their are children when you haven't really discussed how you currently feel is far too drastic. However, some people are happy to tell you to leave, without attempting something like counselling first, because they aren't the ones who actually have to live through it. I can't believe someone actually thought you leaving your husband over a few flirty texts wasn't 'worst case scenario'. Absolutely laughable.

There are children. Sorry for typos. I can spell!

Have just read your other list. I see you say you've had heart to hearts and that he refused to admit more than a mistake, but your initial post said he was apologetic and you hadn't discussed it since. I'll leave this thread alone now, I think.

Post not list FFS.

I think wasting years of your life in an unhappy relationship is pretty bad. The worst case scenario is finding out in 7 years that he's betrayed you again.

It sounds like these posts have given you a real chance to reflect on your deepest feelings and come to the conclusion that your love and respect for him has died. As sad as this is, it is also so clarity for you now and will give you the impetus to make real changes in your life.
It was critical that you kept a lid on this whilst your son was doing his exams and well done for that. However, you can't continue to live this lie and so the time has arrived for you to talk to your husband and find a way forward in what will now amount to a life apart. I am so glad that you have so much support. We can't help how we feel but it is best that you are honest now. There will be pain and upheaval ahead but in time things will settle again and you can all begin a new chapter in your lives. Good luck.

Would you consider counselling on your own, OP? Just to work through the issues & perhaps have another neutral perspective ?

I was going to also suggest you could go to relate and talk about the issues alone.

good luck

I haven't read every response but my parents stayed together until I had finalised my exams.
They had agreed to divorce some months earlier but agreed to keep up the pretence for me going through my exams.
They even had a decree nisi before I had sat my exams.

They cooked for each other, ate together. Shares a bed, continued life as a family. All completely normal. And fake. And all 4 of us kids knew it.
The way they spoke and interacted was just different. They were going through the motions and the facade just wasn't up to keeping the obvious split a secret.
I felt such relief when they announced their split. My dad moved I to the spare room and after a while moved out altogether.
I honestly, to this day, wish they had done it earlier.
The atmosphere at home was palpable because they were being living a lie and I avoided being at home, which is turn reflected on my studies and exams. They thought they were doing the best thing but it affected me in a bad way. I genuinely, and I have told them this, wish they had just split as that way it would have been clean and honest and I believe I would have coped better with the whole situation, therefore it wouldn't have been such a detrimental distraction to my studies.

It is only September, your sons exams are 10 months away. It may be worth considering splitting now and just coming to an agreement with your husband that you keep it as civil and amicable as possible so your son doesn't have the added stress of seeing all the emotions and animosity of divorce/separation. But also he isn't living in a tense environment.

I think I would be inclined to do what your doing thinking it was the best way forward for DS but I've been on the other end and even the best pretence/acting can show cracks and those cracks can be far worse then the truth

Red room- heart to hearts were at the time I discovered the texts - this was over a period of a week and DH saw the texting as nothing more than a stupid mistake. The fact is after moving on I have not been able to forget. As I said my feelings switched off and I was hoping they would switch on again given time. But this has not happened. I think you are really asking - If I had brought up the fact in the last year that I am still not happy re the texting would it have helped to resolve the situation? Maybe it would. This would allow DH to understand the hurt he has caused. I realise the reason I have not done this is that I will have to admit to him that my feelings have changed towards him and I can't see a way to get them back. I am afraid of triggering a depression again so I avoid. I know this is wrong - you sound like you have had experience of depression. It is hard to live with especially when the DH won't get professional help.