Where is my boyfriend? And am I overreacting?

[JahJah]

It's 1.30am and I have to be up for a big day at work at 7.30am. My boyfriend is drinking lager with some street drinkers around the corner after having disappeared for some 'chips' (after a pasta dinner) about two hours ago.

I love him but I feel like I can't do this anymore. He has been out all night the last two weekends (rolling in stinking of alcohol and vomit at 6am the first weekend, coming in at midnight the next day the next), and, despite a huge argument and promises to change his ways after the first weekend, he's out again.

The first weekend he didn't pick up his phone at all or respond to text messages and I was mad with worry and didn't sleep a wink all night. Tonight I know where he is (he picked up and told me) and he says he'll be back in fifteen minutes and that I need to trust him. I'm afraid I just can't. I don't think for a minute he'd cheat but I think he's choosing alcohol over me and knows he must be causing me hurt and am worried this will continue to be a problem in our relationship.

He hasn't drunk since last weekend's (24 hour +) bender, but this evening had several cans of strong lager at home before heading out.

To be clear, I am far from the controlling girlfriend and we are both very independent. I positively encouraged him to spend a music festival with friends without me last month, and we often socialise as a couple and apart.

I am lying here having taken two beta blockers not standing any chance of sleeping and am disappointed with myself for how much I'm letting it effect me. He says I am overreacting completely.

Of course I know that nobody's perfect and relationships are about compromise. Perhaps I need to accept that he will always go out on all night benders and learn to deal with the worry that comes with? If so does anybody have any tips?

We have been together for a year and eight months and have lived together for five.

Prior to these three incidents there has been one other occasion since we've lived together as well as several incidents before we moved in when he has been 'AWOL' for a weekend (which I didn't find as concerning as he is terrible with his phone anyway and I wasn't 'waiting up' for him).

OP

Why are you with this person?

He drinks strong lager, even before going out
He drinks with the "alcos" on the street
He goes on benders

And?

You need an answer, really?

Cut your losses and run.

It is now 45 minutes since he promised he would be back 'in fifteen minutes'. I'm worried I'm not going to sleep all night.

well OP, im not sure why you do this? again, why on earth are you with him?

Because I love him, and I thought that he loved me :(

Hate how weak I'm sounding in this thread!!! Argh!

this sounds to me either that he's deliberately trying to muck up your work (maybe he doesn't want you to do well), or he's got a drink problem, or he's just doing what he wants and sod you. Can't think of a good explanation, not really. If you don't like it now, i can't see how you're going to like it any better in five or ten years time. You're not overreacting. Its a PITA.

If I were you, I'd lock the door and get a good nights sleep.

Hi OP, this is shit isn't it. I only had to read 'street drinkers' and 'vomit' to think get out now love. While you're struggling on with him you're maybe missing the chance to meet someone so much better.

Im hating how weak you sound on this thread too.

Do you have children with him? Im assuming, no. Is there really any reason why you should be with him other than scraping the bottom of a barrel by the sounds of it. OP.... He's an arse of the worst kind, get shot. Im also assuming youre quite young?

That sounded very harsh OP, but I just want to shake you and tell you youre worth so much more than what youre putting up with. If you have self esteem issues (as I had) then go to therapy, get strong and chuck him aside.

Sadly I have been there. Please leave him. It will not get better.

Thank you. I don't think I do have self esteem issues. I am 34 and generally pride myself on being fussy and picking the 'good guys'. I was on my own for four years before we got together. I don't understand why this is happening to me and I guess I just really wanted him to prove to me I could trust him and this would never happen again so that we could make a proper go of things. He's just texted from a friend's house saying he'll be out all night. I felt the panic rising (hate that!) and asked him to come back in half an hour so we can have it out. Probably counter productive but my head's all over the place.

No children.

He loves drinking and going on benders. You deserve someone who loves you and shows it.

Cross-posted. Can you try to get some sleep? No point in having it out with him today if you have something on tomorrow.

I just can't sleep. I have problems with my sleep anyway (especially before big work things) and the last two weekends he's been away all night beta blockers, meditation, TV, counting sheep and reading have all failed spectacularly. Have a tight chest and racing heart and am full of adrenalin.

There really is not point in trying to talk to him tonight

You need to just go to sleep.

He's not going to change. If you really want to be with him you're going to have to be able to just switch off and sleep when he's out.

My DP is a big drinker when he does drink. Which is once a week. He gets 2 days off and spends one with his mates and one with me.

We just agree that he'll stay out and text me when he's safe wherever he's sleeping, he can't come back at 1-2am because he might wake me and DS up. And DS is disabled and we hardly get any sleep as it is.

When he goes, he stays out, touches base every couple of hours so I know he's safe and let's me know when he's where he's sleeping so I know he's safe. (I'm a worrier too)

But if he isn't being nice about it and just worrying you like that on purpose (DP would never ever just go out and not tell me) and you worry then it doesn't sound like it's going to work, because he's a dick.

He is taking advantage of you. You are a lovely person.

It seems to me that you know that this isn't right and would like to stop this relationship. However, you are afraid of breaking up with him because you may be left alone.

Can I tell you that it is not worth sticking with someone that isn't right for you because it most likely won't end well. His priority will never be you.

since I think I did the same thing, I stuck with someone who treated me in a similar way, it never changed, except now I have 2DC and I feel like a fool

Can you take a hot bath? And take a deep slow breath, hold it and count to 5 slowly, then breathe it out to a count of 7 or 8.... and repeat at least 2 more times... This can actually slow your heart rate down. Really. You need a way to slow everything down and get some sleep, for your own survival.

You will not end up alone. You deserve better than this. Don't waste your precious life on him. Good luck making the right choices for you.

Thank you everybody. He has been back since 4am and is sound asleep. I feel a lot calmer but still can't sleep. Not sure how today will pan out. Not looking forward to work!!

can I just say from experience, he wont change. He might promise he will, but he wont. You can either accept that or not

This is not how a partner behaves when they love and respect you.

And I'd stop thinking of him as "out there drinking with the alchos" and more like, "He's an alcho drinking out there on the street".

It's good that the two of you have no dc

I am you + 8 years and 3 dc

It's not good
It doesn't get better
Once a twat always a twat