Where is my boyfriend? And am I overreacting?

[JahJah]

It's 1.30am and I have to be up for a big day at work at 7.30am. My boyfriend is drinking lager with some street drinkers around the corner after having disappeared for some 'chips' (after a pasta dinner) about two hours ago.

I love him but I feel like I can't do this anymore. He has been out all night the last two weekends (rolling in stinking of alcohol and vomit at 6am the first weekend, coming in at midnight the next day the next), and, despite a huge argument and promises to change his ways after the first weekend, he's out again.

The first weekend he didn't pick up his phone at all or respond to text messages and I was mad with worry and didn't sleep a wink all night. Tonight I know where he is (he picked up and told me) and he says he'll be back in fifteen minutes and that I need to trust him. I'm afraid I just can't. I don't think for a minute he'd cheat but I think he's choosing alcohol over me and knows he must be causing me hurt and am worried this will continue to be a problem in our relationship.

He hasn't drunk since last weekend's (24 hour +) bender, but this evening had several cans of strong lager at home before heading out.

To be clear, I am far from the controlling girlfriend and we are both very independent. I positively encouraged him to spend a music festival with friends without me last month, and we often socialise as a couple and apart.

I am lying here having taken two beta blockers not standing any chance of sleeping and am disappointed with myself for how much I'm letting it effect me. He says I am overreacting completely.

Of course I know that nobody's perfect and relationships are about compromise. Perhaps I need to accept that he will always go out on all night benders and learn to deal with the worry that comes with? If so does anybody have any tips?

We have been together for a year and eight months and have lived together for five.

Prior to these three incidents there has been one other occasion since we've lived together as well as several incidents before we moved in when he has been 'AWOL' for a weekend (which I didn't find as concerning as he is terrible with his phone anyway and I wasn't 'waiting up' for him).

He has a drink problem and won't change for you, but you probably know that already. Is he a similar age to you , because he is behaving like he's 17. Don't waste a moment longer on him.

I'm afraid I have to agree with Vivacia, OP.

You are a reasonable and decent person.

He is someone who drinks a few cans of strong lager before going out and drinking on the streets with the local alkies (of which he is one). Who then texts you and tells you he's staying out all night when one of his friends (street drinkers?) suggests they stagger back to his.

There's no real decision making that takes place in any of this. He is a stimulus response machine - beer is there, he drinks beer; everyone goes back to someone's house, he goes too.

He doesn't really care about you at all. Not because you're not worth caring about, but because he is incapable of it. People who drink like this have quite chaotic thinking because their thinking is all and always focused on "beer" and the only thing that matters is where that beer is. They're largely oblivious to what's going on around them, it doesn't even register on their radar. It won't be that he thought about you and then thought "stuff her". He just won't have thought. The fact that he let you know is meaningless. In his head, that's just him avoiding a bollocking when he gets back because he told you where he was.

This isn't the same as a 'night out with the boys on a bit of a bender' (although, tbh, I think that's pretty pathetic, too) this is in a whole different league.

Don't be hard on yourself. You're not weak.
It's not about his and your relationship, it's not about how much he loves you. It's about his alcohol dependence.

I too speak from experience, and I too would not recommend you staying with him unless he is ready to change how things are.

Personally, I would suggest you split up until he has stopped drinking. If this (stopping drinking) doesn't happen then you're well out of it. If it does, then you can reconsider.

It's hard for you to see this when you're in it, but please take it from those who have been there, you need to get out of this one. There is no easy or quick fix.

I've recently finished with someone because I didn't like the way being with him made me feel, both about myself and generally.

I ummed and ahhed for a few weeks, we'd only been seeing each other for 10 months anyway, but in the end I was driven to end it.

But I did so because, as much as I'm scared at the thought of being on my own forever, I've got be believe that I'm worth more than that.

And you are too.

I was with someone who couldn't stop drinking once he had started. It was a nightmare and didn't improve. We split up many years ago and I know he still does the same thing.

The crux is he was happy doing it. He wouldn't and hasn't changed.

You have to decide if it is acceptable to you. Then you need to decide if this would be acceptable when you have children. But don't assume he will change.

Oh honey, I am you ten years ago. It doesn't get better. Get out fast. I did, and am now married to someone wonderful who wouldn't do something like this.

OP he's an alcoholic. You (and he) probably imagine that he can't be because he's not drinking every night, but I can assure you he is.

You cannot help him. Please don't think there's something you can do, or if you can just use the right form of words with him he will realise the impact of his behaviour and reform. He has to come to that realisation on his own. You've already seen that he will promise to behave better and then throw it all to the wind as soon as the call of the beer gets too insistent.

I'd suggest at minimum you start living apart. You will only agree to see him when he is completely sober and you won't be involved in his drunk life at all. Whether that's picking him up from hospital when he's been in a fight with a bunch of street drunks, or phoning in sick to work for him when he has a hangover. Put your own welfare first. He isn't thinking of you and your needs, and doesn't deserve the same courtesy in return.

He is drinking with 'street drinkers', lying to you, telling you it is you who is over- reacting,goes awol with alcohol, comes home stinking of booze and vomit, is choosing alcohol over you, is not being considerate of your feelings or showing himself or you any respect; he clearly has a significant problem with alcohol.

Do you mean he is actually sitting in a street drinking with alcoholics? Or teenagers who drink on the streets? Is that what you mean by 'street drinkers'?

I think it sounds bizarre that he has chosen to do that. I think he probably drinks more than you know at other times- although it might not be evident even. It is a habit that needs feeding.

He is not going to change. It will escalate.

I couldn't live with it. You sound like it makes you very unhappy. Why would you even consider 'this might just be how it is'?

If you want advice, mine would be end the relationship now and for good. Sorry if that sounds blunt. You must be feeling pretty crap.

He won't change. He doesn't want to change. He doesn't give a shiny shite about the impact his behaviour has on you. He is an alcoholic, even though he doesn't drink every day.

Honestly, all you can do here is thank your lucky stars you don't have children with this man , get out of the relationship , and build an independent life which isn't sabotaged by his selfishness.

The future with him is likely to just become more stressful, especially if you have children knowing you could never rely on him to be there at the birth, that he would be drunk and dangerous around a baby, that everyone's sleep would be disturbed, that he would mess you about with child care.

Save yourself the years of stress and tears, cut your losses now.

You deserve better. Even in a few posts you sound so nice.

this behaviour will carry on, it will become more and more normal to you. This is my life right now, but I didnt get out soon enough as I fell pregnant. He got wasted on the night of my baby shower and stayed out all night leaving me to get myself home. He missed our first antenatal class the next morning as he was still wankered. It's not improved from that. Cut your losses now

Having wasted a decade of my life with alcoholics, this is all too familiar. One of the big problems here is you are being too nice, you are not protecting yourdelf properly. You have been looking for answers, ways to help him, and ways you can change to better cope with his behaviour. None of those things will get you anywhere. There are no magic answers, the bottom line is he is treating you appalling. You need to recognise that and fast. There is no room for debate or question here. His treatment of you is potentially very damaging to you. You need to stand up for yourself anf recognise that. It's not really that important whether he admits or accepts it. What matters is that you recognise his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Secondly, there is nothing you can do to help him. Love will not conquer all. It will suck you further into this if you let it. Thinking you can help him while being with him would be a grave mistake. In fact the best thing you can do for him is show him his behaviour is unacceptable by leaving him and moving on with your life. By staying you are normalising and enabling his damaging behaviour.

The only answer is to leave. His behaviour won't improve. Please be strong and protect yourself.

This is not love, its more like unhealthy co-dependency and you are playing out the dual roles here of enabler and codependent.

His primary relationship is with drink; everything and everyone else does not matter a jot. You to him do not matter.

You sound nice but you've been far too soft hearted where he is concerned. You need to let him go, you cannot love a person better and you cannot rescue and or save him. He neither wants your help and or support, besides which you are too close to be of any real use to him.

Even if you do love him, then there are plenty of other men you could love who would make you feel happy. If you need to take drugs to cope with your partner's behaviour, that should give you the heads up that he's not the one for you.

Im 3/4 years and 1 dc with someone like this, i chucked him out nearly a year ago and he almost had me fooled he had changed until a month ago when he started up drinking like this again and despite promises isnt able to change. Its sad but drinking will always come first. Thank god i never let him move back in.
Right now im waiting for him to appear to go to an outdoor show with the kids, i know im going on my own with them as hes probably drunk already today.
This is your future OP if you stay with him, oh and the anxiety at night still hasnt left me, wondering if or when he'll appear.