Should it concern me,or am I worrying about nothing?

[eeyoreandpooh]

I left stbx over a year ago,I am living with family and have dcs. Met someone six months ago and he is everything stbx wasn't. He doesn't come to where we live (not my home etc) and I don't stay with him because of dcs,we only see each other when dcs are with their dad(stbx)although we have taken dcs out a few times. Up til this last couple weeks I was quite happy but my circumstances are going to change(again) in next few months and I am looking at the relationship differently/realistically. I am going back to college to retrain and have found myself a small part time job, he is unemployed and not very pro-active in looking for work. He spends his money as soon as he gets it(despite mentioning he would like to get a car and go on holiday) but I save as much as I can. When dcs and I eventually move I have been given the impression he thinks he can come over whenever he likes and stay over - something I am not comfortable with now and I don't think dcs will be either. I am concerned I will end up with someone more or less living in our home(I don't want to live with him)and not contributing am I right to be concerned about these things or am I worrying about nothing? I am not very good at standing up for myself,when I have mentioned concerns I almost feel he dismisses them because it's not what he wants to hear. These things are how it comes across to me, I might be wrong though. Any advice appreciated,not sure what to do, if anything

Definitely a cocklodger in waiting.

While I totally understand that things are very tough on the job market right now, I couldn't respect a man who wasn't busting a gut to find work. That's what I'd be doing.

That's what I thought, he is specific about what he wants to do, but I feel he should be applying for anything he can do while still looking for what he wants to do

This is the sort of man who seeks out lovely girls like you who ARE willing to put the effort into working so they can live an easy life. So unless he brings something else to the table...get shot of him fast

Specific often equals unrealistic. There are things I like to do, but if I was out of work I would do literally anything to bring money in.

But then I couldn't survive on JSA, perhaps he can't either which is why he honed in on you.

I split with a gut a couple of months ago. the whole time i worked and looked after my kiddies while he stayed at home. When we had a massive fight he told me that a girl was getting him a job and he wants the money to himself and wouldnt pay for me or kids.!!!!!!!! He turned very nasty but was so nice when I kept him for a YEAR.
I feel like a dumbass and dont make the same mistake I did.
If he is working then ok but dont let him move in without a job..

Please listen to your gut feelings here. You are working so hard to build a brighter future for yourself and your DC, congratulate yourself and feel very proud of yourself. You could quite easily have sat on your backside doing nothing and claiming benefits but you don't so please don't let someone who doesn't share your aspirations come in and destroy everything. You may well be able to claim some tax credits later on so you cannot have him live with you because it could affect them. You may not be ready or willing to cut him out of your life atm but as your life gets busier you will have less time and energy for him and hopefully the relationship will just fizzle out.
You can and must stand up for yourself. It's important to show your children that you won't be pushed around.
He may well be everything that your ex isn't and I think you are quite pleasantly surprised about that but there will be countless men out there who are nothing like your ex but who are actually getting on and building successful lives. You can find a man who has both qualities. Please don't sell yourself short. If he can't get his act together, and fast, then you know full well that there is a very high risk that this man will sponge off of you and eventually drag you down and both yourself and your DC deserve so much more. Be strong.

Already it sounds like you have things about him that you don't like. He spends all his money and doesn't save, but talks about things he would like if he had the money. He doesn't have a job, but is only interested in a specific type of job (even though he wants the car/holiday etc). And he's already dismissing things you're saying if they're not what he wants to hear.
From this side, that doesn't sound very respectful of you, your DCs or your situation. He has no reason to think he would be welcome moving himself into your house with you and your children.

I agree with PP, sounds like a cocklodger in waiting. Just think of your children. They may not be comfortable with someone they don't really know always hanging around the house. Especially if they pick up that you're not 100% comfortable with it.
And the differences in ideas about money would concern me. You're sensible with your money because you have yourself and your children to look after. He sounds like he's almost the opposite. In my mind, that could turn into a real problem later down the track.

Thank you for your replies, you have confirmed my suspicions for me. I have no intention of him moving in, what my worry is that he will think he can come over when he likes(has told me he doesn't like to book things - I do,I like to know what dcs and I are doing and when etc)and not go home as he has no car or job to go home for. I felt bad about the thoughts I am having about his attitude to money and work compared to my attitude, but I am relieved you all agree - I am not wrong then:) this past week I have not seen him and have distanced myself slightly, as heyday suggested as life gets busier I know I won't have the time because dcs and my future is more important. I see him tomorrow though and I know he will have noticed - time to be strong and stand up for myself I think - but I am so scared

Gordon bennett...do you really need to be in this relationship in the first place? Can you list the good things he brings to the party?

No, I am beginning to wish I hadn't bothered

Just end it now. Today. This is going nowhere. And the cost of that will be all yours, both financially and emotionally

Another one thinking you should end this now and in very clear, unambiguous terms. He's already not taking the hint and not taking you seriously. My experience of his type is that they don't respond to 'subtle'. They are highly motivated to keep things going, selectively deaf and are stickier to shift than shit on a blanket...

Don't be scared therefore. It's your life, your home and your achievement. Well worth standing up for.

Well done for getting out and staying out of your last relationship. Also I think it's brilliant that you have a little job and your away to start studying combined with looking after your dc.

I think you know already that this man is not right for you in so many ways. His attitude to work would worry me a lot. You need someone in your life who will demonstrate the importance of going out to work and the rewards that can bring.

Please get rid, your attitude is great, your twat radar is working brilliantly, don't ignore it!

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

He may well have been everything that your ex is not but that does not say much about your ex either if this opportunist is the man you got together with with after being separated for only six months. This man also sounds completely awful through and through.

End this with the cocklodger in waiting today. Do not be ambiguous at all; such men do look for ambiguity in their chosen victim (and yes you were targeted, cocklodgers actively look for single mums) and hone in on any vulnerabilities to exploit.

This was never a healthy relationship to begin with; this reads like co-dependency. This man just wants some sucker for a sob story, well any woman, to look after him.

Look at what you have learnt about relationships to date and expunge yourself of all the damaging crap you've learnt along the way.

Also work on rebuilding you some more; your ex and this bloke would have done their fair bit to further harm your self esteem and worth and that also made you more vulnerable to such slippery types as well. I would also read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Thank you all - I think I got caught up to begin with,someone was nice to me and paid me attention and I grabbed it, now reality is kicking in and I have taken those 'rose tinted'glasses off

Hi op

I had one of these exact same type, I was out of an awful marriage etc and the. He came along and I was never more flattered or bowled also the sexual chemistry was amazing.

But he was also a borderline alcoholic, so lazy he could grow moss, a consummate whiner never had any money and everything everything was someone else's fault. Couldn't drive lost license through drink driving that was someone else's fault. His elderly parents paid for everything, oh and he was always threatening suicide.

I dodged a bullet there there's was loads more but now he's married a few kids and doesn't work cause of his depression and bad back. I feel sorry for his very young wife.

Get rid op these sorts never ever change and are emotional and financial leeches.

Sounds like it was a decent rebound relationship, good for the post-separation confidence, but definitely not one for the long haul. Don't worry about your would-be cocklodger, he'll find another mug girlfriend in surprisingly short order - a richer one with any luck.

Oh yes, this sounds like a classic rebound I agree. You went for someone completely the opposite to your ex, another extreme, and nope, he isn't right for you either.

You worry me when you say that you tend to just go along with things and don't like to rock the boat. I am concerned that even if you end the relationship now he will persist with contact until he wears you down into giving him another chance and before you know it he will be living there half the week.

Where does he live currently?

He currently lives in a flat and is claiming everything he can and is also on ESA. I will cut contact if I have to, that would be easier - be easier to just do that now! I have to put my dcs first - and myself,as another poster said I have come along way and am doing all I can to better myself, I can't let all that go

I agree. Imho, his agreeableness to you was in the light of "what is in it for him?" He is using you. He may attempt to ramp up the nice-nice act to keep you on the hook. Look at as just a piece of stinky bait and leave it. Well done on trusting your gut and good luck with your studies!

Sounds like you have a sensible plan. Well done for spotting it now rather than later. Always put yourself and your children first.

There are quite a few single men out there not working and living with every hope of finding a woman. Why on earth would we want a guy who has no intention of finding employment? It would be one thing if he was actively seeking work or retraining. Or another matter if the man has genuine health problems or disabilities. Other than that if he lacks push and drive he will just drain you op so forget him and move on!

The amazing thing is a great deal of skint men actually believe women will want them whereas the reality is very few will. I am not having a go at people down on their luck as that could happen to anyone of us but it is surprising how many deadbeats there are around in the male species who still harbour hopes of getting hooked up!!

I don't know if it is because we are single parents that certainly a lot of men still believe in this day and age we should just anybody on and be grateful! What they don't realise is we do have a brain and some nounce!

He started on ESA for genuine reasons I think, but IMHO it's really time to start back now, he has had his time out, it's time to return to the working world and pay his way. Thank you all for your replies - it's reassuring my instincts are actually working still??

Thank you all for your advice - I did it today,he didn't take it very well and I feel a bit bad but I did it and I am quite pleased with myself:)

Well done!