Will my severely depressed wife come home?

[dunbar30]

My wife was always a very happy go lucky person who was very soft natured, kind and loving. We were very happily married for 6 years.

In March 2013 she went through a bereavement and withdrew a little into herself. She was never one for talking about difficult things (she thinks talking about bad things makes it worse) but there was a marked change in her where she started to be a bit slower, a bit snappy, a bit of a poor sleeper.

In August 2013 she went through a very stressful period and over a period of a few days she started to show signs of some sort of breakdown. She couldn't sleep at all, she was unable to eat, she started getting panic attacks, she was sweating, shaking, irritable and unable to go to work, drive or leave the house. This went on for a couple of months and I looked after her but she refused to see the doctor.

The panic phase calmed down and she entered a very deep depression. Once that started, the began to have difficulty getting out of bed at all, she did not want to get dressed, she stopped doing anything around the house, withdrew from friends and I found evidence she was considering suicide. She was always so energetic and positive but she changed completely.

I finally managed to force her to the GP and she was started on SSRI anti-depressants. They worked very quickly to get her symptoms under control and she was able to return to work and a relatively normal life.

While she had remained loving towards me (with the occasional irrational outburst), once she started the SSRIs she became very cold towards me and started saying she was not sure she loved me anymore.

I convinced her to go to counselling and she eventually agreed. I asked to go with her but she said it was private. After her first meeting with the counsellor she came home and said she had worked out in counselling that she didn't love me anymore and the next day she packed her bags and moved 20 miles away to her parents house. She also decided to change job.

She can't explain how or why she came to that decision and she can't identify any problems with me or our marriage but he does say her loss of love for me happened after her illness and not before.

We don't have kids together, but both have kids from previous marriages (she had a very unhappy first marriage) and she took her two little girls with her.

I was hoping she would come home, but she has been gone since February now and I feel like I am living through hell on earth. The kids miss her, I miss her and we miss her kids too.

She does visit to see the children very occasionally, and she is very good with them but towards me she acts like a stranger. She says she is still very depressed but that she has to only focus on herself. She can't / won't explain any of it to me and she becomes exhausted and more depressed by any emotional conversation.

I have a job transfer upcoming after Christmas 200 miles away, and we'd agreed of course together to take this posting a a family and all the preparations are in place, but now I am faced with going alone.

She says there is no way, no hope, no point discussing it. She knows I am leaving and thinks it is best for me to go.

I am trying to work out what to do or how to feel but it's hard to accept she doesn't love me anymore because she loved me very much before she was ill. We were about a happily married as two people can be. It's hard to grieve her because she's still alive and yet for all intents and purposes my wife does not currently exist.

It's been more than a year now, and I love my wife deeply and can't imagine life without her but I also wonder if what I am supposed to do is give up?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Sadly, I think you're going to have to take her on face value and prepare for life without her. It does sound as though the breakdown is at the heart of this and she is struggling mentally but, at the same time, it is unrealistic to put your life on hold waiting for something which may never happen.

Having experienced sudden and inexplicable withdrawal of love myself in the past from someone who appeared to be happy, I know how shocking and distressing it is. In my case it was due to an affair, in your case it's a MH issue.. in both cases it is imposed against our will. 'Giving up' is not the right way to look at it, I don't think.

I have a friend who after a change in anti depressents reacted this very way to her husband. although their marriaige had been far from happy, he too struggled with her decision as it seemed to come from nowhere.

From her perspective though, despite this decision appearing to have been made overnight, she has never been more certain of her own mind, and they have now sperated formally.

I would agree with cogito you need to accept what your wife is saying to you and not expect her to "get better" and things go back to how they were. Whatever the long term outcome, she is not going to be the same person she was before her MH issues surfaced.

I say "surfaced" rather than "started" as those issues are likely to have been there for some time previously but buried so deeply she could ignore them, it sounds to me as though the bereavement and subsequesnt stressful period allowed them to come to the fore so strongly that they had to be faced.

Even though she is still around, you can grieve for the end of the marriage and the loss of the future you had envisaged for yourself and her as a couple.

Agree with the above, very sorry you are going through this.

The move may be just the thing to help you move on, a fresh start is rarely a bad thing.

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

When you say you face going alone, do you mean that she is going to revert to looking after the children? If she is saying she is depressed and can only focus on herself I don't see how she can take care of them full time.

I mean going alone without her and the girls. I will take my children of course.

She is coping with her own children with the help of her parents and her ex husband and his new wife.

This is something I have heard of elsewhere and it sounds dreadful. It must have been a terrible shock and your life must have been on hold. Twelve months on if I were you I would take the new job and go. Good luck.

I have no real advice to you, but when my severely depressed friend (pnd) started taking anti depressants, she told me it was like all emotion was drained from her life. Not just the depression, but joy, love, laughter. She was not feeling depressed and suicidal anymore, she felt nothing for nobody. Not even her baby.

I think you owe it to yourself and your own children to focus on your own unit, and move on.

Sometimes when people experience a serious mental health episode they turn against people they love. They find it hard to cope with the stress that their condition brings, and the responsibility to another person feels like an added burden, so they think offloading that person will make their life easier.

On the other hand sometimes people wake up one day and realise they don't love the person they're with.

She may ultimately come out of this and realise she's made a terrible mistake. But there's no guarantee, so as others have said, there's nothing you can do but take her at her word and organise your life accordingly.

Take the job, take your life off hold, start the grieving process. It's terribly sad, but there's nothing you can do but try to accept that she's gone & move on.

It's hard to accept losing her for such a reason. I honestly do not believe she stopped loving me. It feels impossible. When she got depressed it just went away. Even her hugs were lifeless and once she started the medication she describes as Quintessetially says all emotions draining from her and she feels no love, no joy, no sadness...just nothing.

I do think it will come back, but alas too late. With the children considered life can't continue like this.

I love her! I really love her, but can't reach her.

It's very frustrating when someone closes themselves off to you. Especially if you believe that, with the right treatment, things might go back to normal. As you said, it's like they've died, but it's tough to grieve because they are still there.

If you're finding it difficult to fully move on you might find it easier to give things a deadline. Let her know that you're still her DH, you still love her, but if there's no change by a particular date, you'll have to assume that it's all over and reluctantly start the divorce. In the meantime, you get on with the new job and the new location. Life goes on etc.

Im so so sorry this has happened to you, it must be devastating to say the least.

Im not saying anti-depressants are the cause of this, but from my own personal experience, when i was using them i was void of all emotions, negative and positive.

I dont know what to suggest, but if you have already spoken to her about this in great depth, and she is not willing to lower dose, change meds, consider the cause of her changed feelings, the only other options you have are to move on, or cling onto hope and be miserable. I dont know, its a very sad situation, i really feel for you.

Thank you Bisou88. I realise these are my only choices. She is not really able to discuss things in depth at all but she says there is no cause for her changed feelings beyond her depression / medication. She acknowledges this is the most likely cause as she said she never before had any feelings like that and she says she was very happy in our marriage and deeply in love - but it does not change her reality.

I think her attitude is that all she can cope with is surviving and any emotional talks push her downwards again so I try not to have them. Her responses to emotional conversations are abnormal. Similar to if you were talking to a very drunk person is the best way I can describe it. She doesn't see beyond today. On this medication I think she is unable to "miss" me, or feel sad.

She came off the medication a few months ago (she hates the way she feels on them) and when she did she felt love for me again and was very tearful and apologetic and wanted to start again and even wanted sex with me (several times over a few days!!!) but when she started them back up again she quickly retreated. I do think it is this medication causing this but she may well be on it for years.

No she will not change medication as she feels she cannot cope with new side effects as the ones she had with the current one were very extreme and difficult for the first month or two.

I'm aware she might be depressed for many years, I am aware some people do not come back from breakdowns as the person they started off as. I just want to search for some sort of hope and leaving feels like giving up on my wife.

I do agree with the advice given here though and realise I have to take her at her word as depressed or not this is her current wishes.

So there was a dramatic turnaround when she came off the medication? What happened as she started to feel in need of the meds again, did she withdraw as she became more depressed, or was she miserable but still wanting to be with you, then changed as soon as she was back on the medication? Sorry, that sounds really confusing but hopefully you know what I mean.

I am just thinking that if the medication is such a major factor then surely a psychiatrist ought to take this into account and push for a change of drug. Medication is important but a side effect of relationship breakdown and loss of family life would be a huge factor to weigh in the balance, as it is so key to mental welfare.

Oh yes there was a very dramatic turnaround in a very short space of time.

When off the drug she was much more normal to talk to, she cried when she talked about me and the children after having shown no emotion on it for months, she wanted to reach out to me, wanted to discuss things, she replied to emails and texts quickly instead of taking 2 or 3 days, she wanted to see me, sexual feelings returned and she told me she loved me. It was like a personality transplant really.

When off the medication, she was still depressed obviously, yes, but despite the depression which was really quite bad still, she did want to be with me or at least she knew she hoped for that one day.

As soon as she started them again she reverted back to giving me nothing and talking to her is very painful and difficult. It's like she is a stranger, really it is.

She went back on them as she was experiencing a return of depressed feelings and was scared by that, was unable to go to work for a few days and afraid to go back to where she was. Within a few days of the medication starting again she was back to frosty and not wanting me near her at all.

I agree if a psychiatrist (or anyone with a brain) examined her they would pull her off this drug but as she refuses to see one (stubborn as a mule) it's neither here nor there.

Very frustrating but I understand if she thinks it is none of my business I can't get her to do something she doesn't want to do and she is almost paranoid, as if she feels suggestions from me are attempts to manipulate her into coming home. Yes, I have tried to talk to her parents. No luck.

Do you think she is unemotional with the children too? Perhaps she could be approached from that angle to seek out a medical opinion. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to push her into the most depressed state again, as I actually think if these drugs and these effects are her only treatment choice she should continue. It may be that the drugs are not the only cause of the problems. It just seems such a shame to not at least explore that by trying another drug and getting any help she can in terms of other therapies also. Has she had any treatment other than medication, ie. talking therapies?

There is a website called Paxil Progress.

It's controversial because the people who use it believe that the negative side effects of their SSRI medication out weigh the positives and they encourage people to wean off. Obviously this goes against a lot of medical advice that a lot of GPs would offer. It's not run by doctors or professionals. So you have to be sensible and use your judgement if you go there. I must stress I'm not recommending this approach to you - do your own research and follow it at your own risk.

I visited there when I was having problems with my SSRI medication, in my case for anxiety, and it changed my mind about my medication. I realised that the negative side effects of my medication outweighed the positives and I weaned myself off.

I still suffer with my anxiety condition and I've had some pretty horrendous episodes in the time since. However it has helped me to manage my condition (in the learning to live with it sense) and I personally believe I'm better off the medication then on it.

There is a section in the forum which is specifically called Family Support and you will find a lot of support and similar stories if you post there.

I don't know if it will help with your situation but you can at least have a rant to people who know what you are going through.

Wishing you the best.

I would say she puts on an act with the children that is "passable". She smiles at all the right times and she makes a joke out of everything.

They notice she does not have the same energy or enthusiasm and that she is not as affectionate, but they would not notice as closely as I do the subtle lack of normal emotional response. She has admitted she doesn't "feel" the same towards them as she once did as nothing rouses that level of emotion but she does enjoy time with them. You are very right though...approaching her from that level is actually a genius Idea and one I had not thought of. Thank you so much for that very clever suggestion.

I do have to walk a fine line though as I am scared comments about the children might push her to harming herself, which is always the fear in the back of my mind.

She had very brief talking therapy, but as she started it on the pills, I think it was fairly unhelpful. She doesn't want to talk.

thank you iconfucious

Sometimes when a loved one changes as dramatically as your DW has, then we clutch at straws and become desperate for that person that, we once knew so well, to return. Sadly in your case I think you have come to the sad realisation that your DW has disappeared and the person she is now is, is not only a stranger, but is very likely to be the person that she will remain as. She has been honest with you and has also moved out. It's time now to protect yourself emotionally. Grieve for everything that you have lost, cry, shout, talk .... Do whatever it takes to help you with your heartache but you must take steps now to begin your life again.
The new job can be a fresh start for you. Try to embrace it. Make new friends, get a social life and spend lots of times helping your DC settle into their new life. Keep busy as that can be a distraction from your pain.
Your suffering will lessen over time, try and remember that.
Sadly you can do no more for her so start concentrating on your new life ahead. MH is an absolute bastard and destroys so, so many lives. Sadly you are just one of it's many victims. I wish you every luck and happiness for the future.

Your post rings true for me in a lot of ways. I've been in ADs for years and they do cut a lot of emotions out but without them I couldn't function at all, it's the lesser of two evils. I know that I'm distant from my husband but the thought of going back to how I was when I wasn't on them is truly terrifying. Maybe this is why your wife is unwilling to consider changing meds?

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but I think you have to accept her decision and move on.

She says this is exactly why, going back to how she was before terrifies her. Lesser of two evils. I see the consensus is for me to move on and forget her :( I don't think I ever can forget my wife.

I don't think anyone's saying forget her. That would be callous. You love her and, whatever happens, you will always care. I think you're being encouraged to make the best of the bad hand you've been dealt, go with the reality rather than clinging to false hopes & try to lead as normal a life as possible in the circumstances.

Wise words cog.....
What a sad story from OP.

That was very well said, I'll do my best to try and look at it like that. I hope she knows how much I love her and how hard I tried to avoid all this. I am sure she will come back to herself. I've always believed it.