Will my severely depressed wife come home?

[dunbar30]

My wife was always a very happy go lucky person who was very soft natured, kind and loving. We were very happily married for 6 years.

In March 2013 she went through a bereavement and withdrew a little into herself. She was never one for talking about difficult things (she thinks talking about bad things makes it worse) but there was a marked change in her where she started to be a bit slower, a bit snappy, a bit of a poor sleeper.

In August 2013 she went through a very stressful period and over a period of a few days she started to show signs of some sort of breakdown. She couldn't sleep at all, she was unable to eat, she started getting panic attacks, she was sweating, shaking, irritable and unable to go to work, drive or leave the house. This went on for a couple of months and I looked after her but she refused to see the doctor.

The panic phase calmed down and she entered a very deep depression. Once that started, the began to have difficulty getting out of bed at all, she did not want to get dressed, she stopped doing anything around the house, withdrew from friends and I found evidence she was considering suicide. She was always so energetic and positive but she changed completely.

I finally managed to force her to the GP and she was started on SSRI anti-depressants. They worked very quickly to get her symptoms under control and she was able to return to work and a relatively normal life.

While she had remained loving towards me (with the occasional irrational outburst), once she started the SSRIs she became very cold towards me and started saying she was not sure she loved me anymore.

I convinced her to go to counselling and she eventually agreed. I asked to go with her but she said it was private. After her first meeting with the counsellor she came home and said she had worked out in counselling that she didn't love me anymore and the next day she packed her bags and moved 20 miles away to her parents house. She also decided to change job.

She can't explain how or why she came to that decision and she can't identify any problems with me or our marriage but he does say her loss of love for me happened after her illness and not before.

We don't have kids together, but both have kids from previous marriages (she had a very unhappy first marriage) and she took her two little girls with her.

I was hoping she would come home, but she has been gone since February now and I feel like I am living through hell on earth. The kids miss her, I miss her and we miss her kids too.

She does visit to see the children very occasionally, and she is very good with them but towards me she acts like a stranger. She says she is still very depressed but that she has to only focus on herself. She can't / won't explain any of it to me and she becomes exhausted and more depressed by any emotional conversation.

I have a job transfer upcoming after Christmas 200 miles away, and we'd agreed of course together to take this posting a a family and all the preparations are in place, but now I am faced with going alone.

She says there is no way, no hope, no point discussing it. She knows I am leaving and thinks it is best for me to go.

I am trying to work out what to do or how to feel but it's hard to accept she doesn't love me anymore because she loved me very much before she was ill. We were about a happily married as two people can be. It's hard to grieve her because she's still alive and yet for all intents and purposes my wife does not currently exist.

It's been more than a year now, and I love my wife deeply and can't imagine life without her but I also wonder if what I am supposed to do is give up?

A great friend of ours had a serious depressive episode triggered by the death of his sister 6 years ago After 2 years of getting worse and worse, he left his wife who was heartbroken. He used to say things like "Do I have to take billboards out telling you it's over. I DON'T LOVE YOU."

She was devastated, left the country but as she was leaving they spent the day together and she could feel the old him beginning to resurface but she had to go, as that was nowhere near enough to forgive all the hurt. He also then moved in with someone else from his yoga studio (which he had become obsessive about).

Over the next 2 years they chatted on Skype (initiated by him) held off on signing the divotce papers. She dated and had some fun but then he said it wanted to visit. Lots of negotiating and boundaries etc but now... they are very much back together and have had a most beautiful baby.

However, the amount of forgiveness required was incredible.

Foxinthebox...it was similar for me.

My DW was incredibly loving, affectionate and close to me. I was certain we were as happy as two people could be and she told me constantly how much she loved me and it was written all over her face.

It's why I have found this so hard. When this came, it took her over, and she was, much as you say incredibly cruel in telling me she didn't love me. Lashing out like a toddler, or cold and cruel. I have never seen that woman once be cruel to anyone but after this illness she was very cruel to me. Heartless.

As I said, I have glimpses of her and deep down I cannot believe she is lost forever ad I will really keep a deep hope in me that something like you describe above could happen.

I can't imagine living a life without her, so maybe as you say, I can make the move and maybe when she is better she will speak to me.

I have a long list of things that have been painful but seeing her suffer and being unable to help her has been one of the worst.

So hard for you dunbar. You don't know what the future holds with her. As she doesn't like who she is on medication maybe at some point she will go for therapy to help her get back to who she once was. People do manage to deal with depression without medication and then find they feel much stronger and have the tools for life to help them get through bad times. Maybe your wife will at some point decide herself that she doesn't like who she is anymore and will wean herself off them and/or get therapy. If I were you though I would go ahead and make the move. A new job, new people and new house might be just what you need to help you move on with your life. She may very well turn round one day and want her old life back but for now all you can do is live your own life with your kids.

The [roblem Dunbar is that you won't know if she will ever come back to you. All you can do is live your life properly. Move on, get on with your life to the fullest that you can. If she comes back you will be on a more equal footing.

An awful, awful experience for you but you need to pick up yours and your children's lives. IMO you moving away will help.

I know this is really good advice and can see that the best / only way is to make a life for myself that is good with or without her, but I won't give up hope!

I do agree with the moving, and see I have no option.

I wouldn't give up hope either as you never know what will happen. You have seen that the woman you loved came back when off the medication so maybe she will come off it again in the near future and then you will have to see. Moving away is good as it might also give her the jolt needed to make her see what she could possibly lose. You just don't know.

But if you make the decision to go, it is you taking control of your life. You need to do that to feel better. You will feel better, i promise.

If you do move could you write her a letter to say you are not running away from her or 'giving up' on her, but that you want to give her space and let her get better without pressure from you. However, say you love her and always will and the door is open to her to come back to you if her feelings change? Hopefully this will show that you do care and aren't just ditching her for a 'better' life.

I will do that AlsoAvailable. I have a few months yet, so plan to give her the space she wants. Before I go I will tell her I love her and the door is open. I am worried about becoming a doormat here a bit - the dynamics of the relationship are skewed completely from the equal footing they were on before. I hope she doesn't lose respect for me.

I would definitely give her lots of space. She has said she is not in love with you so go with that for now(though of course this could change) and maybe don't contact her. Let her contact you if and when she wants to. Don't let her feel you are a doormat. You are right about the dynamics. They have changed and you have done all you can to let her know how you feel. She knows. But there is nothing at all wrong with a little bit of healthy uncertainty on her part. Why should she feel that you are just sitting waiting for her. I know you love her but pull back a bit on this and go live your life.

Sometimes when people experience a serious mental health episode they turn against people they love. They find it hard to cope with the stress that their condition brings, and the responsibility to another person feels like an added burden, so they think offloading that person will make their life easier.

Two years ago I went through something very similar. My DH couldn't acknowledge being severely depressed - he's a mental health professional.... He moved out, in with someone else and cut me off completely in an emotional context. But we have DC so carried on limited communication in a business like way from a distance.

I was heartbroken but did my best to get on with my life. My head insisted it was all over but if I'm honest my heart never really bought it.

To cut a long painful story short, the mist cleared after about 6 months - he's back home, we're doing well.

Things can change for some people but I think it's really important you don't sit in limbo - it's a message to both you and your DW that your life is of more value than that.

As a friend said to me (lifted from a film) - it will be alright in the en; if it's not alright, it's not the end yet... Good luck.

Thank you Foolish. If anyone with similar experiences wants to share their stories in details I would always love to hear. Feeling like I am not alone in this experience really gives me solace.

Did you see my post Dunbar? Do you think your wife could be having an affair?

Hi Jeni, I can't see a post from you on an affair, but no, she is not having one. I was living with her for several months while she was having a breakdown. Over those months she could not drive / go out / work / see friends. She is a bit better now but her parents say she does not go anywhere or see anyone and it's a cause of concern for them.

I think, sadly, she just felt it was easier for her to "cope" with life if she was with her parents looking after her girls and she was not responsible for me or my children. that was why she initially moved out. She said she needed space to recover without responsibilities for others.

The "I don't love you" came afterwards.

Hi dunbar. I haven't personally been in this situation but I have witnessed the breakup of a relationship of a friend of mine due to her DP being very seriously mentally ill. Having seen that play out, I am now firmly of the opinion that nobody should hang around indefinitely in a situation where one partner is seriously mentally ill and there is little to no prospect in sight of them getting better. It must be placing an intolerable strain on you.

My friend found her DP's illness very emotionally debilitating because it eventually became very hard to tell what was him and what was the illness. Although he was certainly very ill, he put her through a lot of stuff that you would consider actively cruel if it came from a well person. But although it wasn't really his fault, in the sense that he was behaving that way as a result of the illness, she couldn't be expected to endure the constant up-and-downness and sense of limbo that being in the relationship brought her. She deserved better than to use up all her emotional energy on a totally one-sided relationship with someone who wasn't in a position to give her anything emotionally and probably never would be. It got to a point where it wasn't giving up on him so much as her realising that she had to step away in order to preserve herself. Love alone is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship which is destroying you.

It is very hard because nobody is at fault here and nobody has died, but yet the relationship has effectively ended. This is not the model in most people's heads of how relationships end and is hard to accept. I think the only thing that will help you come to terms with a situation like this is accepting that you have value too, that your feelings and happiness are important and that you deserve a future where you are not existing in an emotional limbo. And that it's OK for you to really, properly mourn the end of the marriage.

I can imagine how completely unfair this all feels and how difficult it must be to have had no sense of control over what is happening. I think making a decision to take this new posting could give you an important sense of control about your own future.

I think it may also be important for your children to learn that there are limits to the amount of emotional distress you can be expected to endure for the sake of someone else. I think as a society we teach some fairly damaging lessons about romantic love being so overwhelmingly important that individuals are expected to sacrifice all their own needs for its sake. I wonder what your children are learning about relationships from this situation. If they were in your position in their future relationships, what would you want them to do?

The other thing to consider is that (even if your wife could get to a point where she was "normal" again and she wanted to resume a relationship - these are not givens) once you have had a major depressive episode you are at fairly high risk of it happening again. Could you live with getting back together, everything being great again, and then having a repeat of what you are going through?

How awful, my own experience of ssri's were that they 'zombified' me, no emotion, barely functioning, how i managed to care for my son and work during that period ill never know.
OP is there any chance at all you could get her back to the GP to explain how they are affecting her and how she was when she stopped taking them? Surely there must be another AD she can try.