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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How many chances does a person deserve?

46 replies

lifewillgetbetter · 04/09/2014 19:07

How many chances would you give someone if they hurt you and has been physical a handful of times... but if you love them so much it hurts to be without them how many chances is too many

OP posts:
BeachyKeen · 04/09/2014 19:10

If it is physical, none.

You don't deserve to be hurt, and you don't need to accept it, and give out chances.
Love is not about losing your temper, lashing out, and begging to try again. That is a cycle of abuse, not love.

onceinagoldenmoon · 04/09/2014 19:15

i could have written your post myself a few years ago. i must have given a thousand chances by the time i decided enough was enough. self esteem in tatters

i know every situation is different but the fall out from being emotionally and physically abused lasted longer than any feeling of loving them so much.

in truth only u can decide when enough is enough but in my opinion when the hurt (emotional and physical) sets in, its time to take a good hard look at your life and stand up and go. no looking back.

it starts out with minor things that you don't want to see or over look or as some wise MNetter once said 'minimalise'. that way madness lies. go while u still have some self-esteem and dignity. abuse is no way to live and certainly no way to have a relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2014 19:16

Do you know what love actually is?. What you describe is horribly dysfunctional, it is not love at all but an unhealthy co-dependency.

Do you have children; if so what do you want to teach them about relationships?.

This person does not deserve any more chances from you. If you go back you will be hurt yet again. Such people who are inherently violent do not change. You cannot rescue and or save someone like that from themselves; being a rescuer or saviour never works.

The only level of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE. That is correct - NONE.

Look at your own self and work on rebuilding your self esteem and self worth through counselling because this will have taken a real knock. Unlearn all the rubbish you have also learnt about relationships to date and read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I would also suggest that as well as speaking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247, you enrol on their Freedom Programme too.

queenoftheknight · 04/09/2014 19:23

I was never co-dependent. I thought I was, but my counsellor informed me otherwise, as I had lived without him more than successfully for a year.

What was nearer the mark was traumatic bonding. My template from the very beginning. Strangely enough, as was his.

runningonwillpower · 04/09/2014 19:23

Physical abuse - no second chance. Because a second chance is permission to abuse again.

queenoftheknight · 04/09/2014 19:30

Don't be too quick to label yourself, if you are trying to get to the bottom of this, get a therapist....a good one, that you feel comfy with.

I have done the freedom programme, it's good. But it doesn't address why people are drawn to each other in such a dysfunctional way. Some people may not need to know that stuff, but I did.

I could ask my husband back in a heart beat...but I won't. It's heart breaking, but at least I have some idea as to why that is.

I get you. It does hurt, it's like living without a part of your own body. I don't know that I will ever get over it. BUT, I don't want my children to be condemned to the same shit.

Original poster
lifewillgetbetter · 04/09/2014 19:55

i love this person so much i recently realised this , i thought it would be easy to walk away from the relationship i didnt think i was in love with him but i was kidding myself. It hurts so much every evening

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 04/09/2014 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaykayblue · 04/09/2014 20:30

As others have said, the moment abuse is physical, there are no more chances. Ever.

rainbowinmyroom · 04/09/2014 20:32
  1. NO second chances for abusers. This isn't love, it's co-dependency.
Lweji · 04/09/2014 20:33

Physical I did two in total. I wish none.

And my advice is to go if it gets physical even once.

Lweji · 04/09/2014 20:34

When did you realise you loved him that much?
After he hurt you?

Original poster
lifewillgetbetter · 04/09/2014 20:45

no i did know i loved him before then after he hurt me i thought i fell out of love with him but now i know that really isnt possible because it wouldnt hurt so much if i didnt, just feel really shit about it all now

OP posts:
DepressedFiance · 04/09/2014 20:48

I believe that everyone deserves a second chance.

Obviously this would depend on the nature of whatever is causing you to consider giving a second chance & the severity of it.

Twinklestein · 04/09/2014 20:57

Love means very different things to different people. What you describe as 'love' other people may describe as co-dependency, addiction, infatuation, attachment, trauma bonds etc...

It always hurts to walk away from people you've invested in, it hurts to walk away from people you're dependent on, and you think can't survive alone, but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

Hmmm2014 · 04/09/2014 21:00

I could have written your post a year ago. I gave loads of chances. He was emotionally abusive rather than physically and I think I will live with the internal scars forever. I finally did manage to end it properly after at least 10 attempts when he said he was devastated and begged me to help him change. Suffice to say he didn't change. I tried so hard I began to get ill. Once he did leave, I was totally exhausted.

The first 3 months after I asked him to leave (& thank God he did!) were awful. I found myself devastated by the loss. But I see now it was the loss of a terrible dependency. It's like being addicted to heroin. You have to go through the cold turkey before you can be clean.. I was terribly lonely at first but am now getting my life back on track.

The aftermath of abuse - the constant questioning of yourself, wondering how you let it happen to you, the lack of self esteem - it is debilitating. But never as debilitating as living with abuse.

TheSilveryPussycat · 04/09/2014 21:02

emotional pain does not equal love. For decades I thought it did.

Lweji · 04/09/2014 21:04

I think you are grieving, which is natural, but do you really love someone who hurts you?

Original poster
lifewillgetbetter · 04/09/2014 21:24

i know its riducilous but yes i love him but i know the right thing is to stay away and try and rebuild my life which atm is very isolated as i can count my friends on one hand.

OP posts:
Hmmm2014 · 04/09/2014 21:49

Life, you are going through a grieving process. It is shit, but you will come out the other side.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book, Inside the minds if angry and controlling men? Please get hold of a copy and read it. It changed my outlook entirely.

Did your partner isolate you from friends & family?

Can you get out to join a club/a gym/a class? Meet some new people & start building a new life.

Twinklestein · 04/09/2014 21:53

my life which atm is very isolated as i can count my friends on one hand

That's why it hurts to walk away, but you need to build a healthy happy life without him, and fill it up with real love, not control and violence.

Lweji · 04/09/2014 21:55

It sounds more like an addiction.
And it is likely that he worked on isolating you and making you dependent on him.

I think it may help if you write down all the nasty stuff he did to you so that you go back to it when you think you miss him.

You are probably missing having a special person in your life, but the most special person is yourself. And that person deserves all respect and love. The love you have for someone else should never be at your expense.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2014 07:23

I think loving someone so much it hurts is problematic in itself and, when that person is abusive, possibly indicates an unhealthy obsession borne out of insecurity and fear. Being in an abusive relationship smashes self-esteem, obliterates safety and 'love' under those conditions can be nothing more than currying favour in order to survive. 'If I show enough affection, they'll stop hurting me'

The legal system might decide that someone who commits assault deserves a second chance after they've received suitable punishment. In a relationship - no - far too big a risk to take.

Sorry you're so crushed. Please get help

Meerka · 05/09/2014 08:29

what you're feeling isn't love, it's a heightened adrenaline kick combined with all your buttons being pressed. You might label it love, but it's not.

You can probably find love. But it won't be with this man. This'll just rip you apart and ruin you.

Only1scoop · 05/09/2014 08:33

You will feel more isolated eventually if you stay with this partner. Staying with an abuser makes your relationships with friends very difficult.

I'd stay away. For good.