How many chances does a person deserve?

[lifewillgetbetter]

How many chances would you give someone if they hurt you and has been physical a handful of times... but if you love them so much it hurts to be without them how many chances is too many

I have just started reading the book 'When a Woman Loves too Much'. I am startled at how accurately it describes me and my motivations in relationships and the partner I chose (who left me btw). It might be worth a read, but you will have to be absolutely honest about you and yourself and see the men you choose to have in your life as a symptom of your inner self's state of being. Good luck and 'try' to believe that you deserve better than you think.

A whipped dog will return to its master. What it feels isn't love, loyalty or anything positive but fear and total, abject dependence.

If you have the number of friends you can count on on one hand you are rich beyond measure.

Some people deserve a second-chance. Men who are violent towards their partners do not.

It is incredibly hard to leave someone you love. If he abuses you physically and you stay, it will only get worse because your inaction gives him the permission to continue. When you leave, (and I am only in my first month away) your feelings will be in turmoil, regret, guilt, fear, sadness loneliness..... but the mist will clear and you will find yourself again. You deserve better OP. If I can do it, then so can you. The support you need is out there.

What does he say about these instances of abuse? Did you ever call the police after them?

How often are the attacks?

Contact Womens Aid.
They can help you see through all of this.
They can also get you onto the Freedom Programme.
This is something you should definitely do.

I gave my ex a chance after he headbutted me, pinned me down and spat in my face.

He had another chance after he tried to strangle me and then beat me black and blue.

I left after a night-long row (one sided, I didn't utter a word) where I was just waiting for the first blow to fall.

He begged and begged for another chance. He wanted to prove how much he loved me, but by this point the scales had fallen from my eyes and I knew that I would always be waiting for the next time.

Look after yourself

Wonderful words aylesbury. Abusers rarely change and in fact often get worse as time goes by. I have just had to cut all contact with someone I love so dearly as they brought violence into my life. All I want to do is pick up the phone and tell them to come home because I am hurting so badly and feel so alone. That's my heart talking. My head stops me though as I know that the second this person returns to my life my torment and fear will start all over again. I work during the day so I keep distracted but during the evenings I feel very lost and lonely.
It's been 5 weeks now without them and I am starting to get my life back again slowly. It does take time, it really does. It's a slow, extremely painful process but believe me it will all be worth it in the long run. To live in fear has to be one of the worst emotions that we can endure. Look closely at yourself now, get counselling if it helps, so that you do not end up in another relationship with an abuser. You can get through this pain. Just keep telling yourself that you deserve a happy and safe life and, by leaving this person, you are on the road to a brighter future. Be strong, be happy x

Love means very different things to different people. What you describe as 'love' other people may describe as co-dependency, addiction, infatuation, attachment, trauma bonds etc...

This is so, so true.

What you are describing here really isn't 'love'.

In the daytime it isnt too bad as its filled up with housework etc and weekend my dc is not at school but yes it is the evenings are very sad atm and lonely. I know in my head he wont change ever he always has had a short temper i was just stupid enough not to think anything of this then it got worse over time. I actually seen a real life friend yesturday and we spoke about it all (this friend has been in my life the last 5 years and actually stuck by me through this relationship) and they said they remember how unhappy i was last year when bad things happened and if i give him another chance i will go back to feeling that low. Over the last year or more he just started losing it more and more pushing me agaisnt the wall , stopping me leaving the room when arguements would happen, a real low point was when he did it when our dc was around and i was trying to take her upstairs cos she was upset about it and i had to lock myself and her in the bedroom, i knew back then i was in a dangerous situtation, all the other incidents was when dc was in bed asleep thank god but that memory always haunts me. He also has smashed my perfume then i had to pick up all the glass bottle, other things do include slapping me and hitting me.

what you are describing is serious, sustained and escalating domestic violence.

your child is in an abusive home, asleep or not they are directly harmed by every and any incident of domestic abuse in your relationship.

get yourself and your child out as soon as you safely can.

call WA, get help. report this to the Doctor, health visitor and anyone else that's official that you have easy cntact with.

this will serve you well in the future with assistance from authorities and potentially legal services.

you can't change this, you can't stop him abusing you, he will get worse and worse and worse.

then he'll hurt the kids to hurt you.

now is the time to save your family by getting HIM away from it.

Your social isolation and lack of other support in real life may have led you to think this awful man is the centre of your world.
Feeling sad and lonely in the evenings is not a reason to go back to an abuser.
making positive steps to increase your social circle, to look outside this dis functional relationship will help your self confidence and his power over you will diminish
Look outside.

And in answer to your original question...none :(

simon that is horribly cruel, unnecessary and unhelpful

i am separated from him now i posted this thread to see if any one thinks about giving more chances. It hurts alot i miss him which i know sounds crazy its still so raw i only ended it last week so im just feeling lonely but seeing my friend yest did help.

i do think my dc is happier now and im trying to focus all on that but the evenings are a sad situation i have started to ignore his msgs as he does msg me alot each day and also he has been buying me gifts flowers etc. i know my mind is made up now, i came on here because i was having doubts but i need to stick to it i know it

Explain why norks

simon i no longer live with this man

Well good for you OP. Your initial post implied you did and, to be honest, i stand by what i said.

simon I feel I should employ famous Mumsnet responses to you:

Did you mean to be so rude?

If so:

FOTTFSOFTFOSM

ayles so i take it you are happy to watch a woman put her love life above the welfare of her child? Because I'm not. If that makes me rude, i can happily live with that (incidentally i take it your acronym which begins with the words 'fuck off' isn't rude at all then, yeh?)

Simon so by saying that OP is as bad as her violent partner and that you would report her to Social Services you don't feel that was rude?

I fail to see how that can be construed in any other way than unpleasant, unhelpful and damn rudewhen the OP is asking for advice and support from others and I stand by FOTTFSOFTFOSM.

What she is going through is awful. I still have the battle scars, both physical and mental, OP needs support not judgement. Please do not judge those in violent relationships because leaving is not easy and is far from simple. It is dangerous and frightening and while I would agree that it is not an environment any child should be living in, the sad reality is that DV is far too prevalent. Threating social services adds to that fear.

OP I apologise for the derailment, and hope that you continue to gain support and guidance from your thread.

Op I did go back, it was fine for a while but when it all went bad again it was worse then it had been. You will never get to the point were you are strong enough to 'deal' with it, or you've changed enough not to 'annoy' him any more.
You have to move on or it will only end in tears, both yours and your DC. What your DD has witnessed now will be nothing compared to what she will witness if you go back. The problem is his and he will not change. He won't go onto have a perfect relationship with someone else but he will find a new victim when you stop fulfilling his needs.
The longer you spend away from him the less isolated you will become.
Don't become complacent, don't forget what actually happened. You miss company and a relationship, not your abusive ex. Stay away and you'll get real company, real relationships, and free yourself and your DC from the abuse.
And don't forget you're not alone, alot of us are walking this same path with you