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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How To Leave My Fiance

29 replies

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 11:33

I've found out today that my fiance has been arranging encounters on Craiglist. We have a 2 year old and I need to get as much as possible in place before I leave him so that her life isn't disrupted too heavily.

Can anyone give me a step by step list of things to arrange? I'm a full time student and don't have a job as he made it very awkward for me to get one.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/09/2014 11:35

You poor thing. What is your financial set up? What family support do you/he have available?

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 11:38

We currently get child tax credits, child benefit and housing benefit/LHA. He works part time to cover the shortfall in LHA. The child tax credits and benefit go into my account thankfully so don't have to do anything urgent with them. I also have some savings for a deposit.

I will have support from my mum, who said that I could always move in with her during another rocky patch.

OP posts:

Fudgeface123 · 04/09/2014 11:42

What do you want to know then? Leave and either go to your mums or get your own place.

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 11:55

Feel guilty leaving him today as his birthday is next week. Is that stupid?

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/09/2014 11:58

yes . He isn't as committed to you as you are him . Next week b'day , following week ... there will always be a reason not to act . Do you want to stay in the house ?

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 12:01

Can't really as he wouldnt take his name off the rental agreement . Have started arranging to view other rentals.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2014 12:04

Is housing benefit in both of your names?
Or just one of you?
You need to get as much paperwork together as you can.
Passports, bank account details, birth certificates, Bank account details if you have a join account, DD details if they come out of your account.
Go to CAB and get an understanding of what will happen if you have to leave the house.
Then get onto CSA and see what you would be entitled to from him in maintenance payments.

The sooner you do this the better.
Like ripping off a plaster!

Sod him and his birthday.
He's been doing horrible things behind your back.
He doesn't seem to give a shit about you so why do you care about his birthday?

Time to get angry.
So sorry this has happened to you.
for you.

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 12:08

Its in both names but goes into his bank account.

OP posts:

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 12:14

Looks like child maintenence will be 6.72 a week once fees come off.

OP posts:

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 12:22

Sorry for the short posts and thank you for your help. am doing this on my mobile as our laptop is shared and I don't want him to find out what I'm planning until it's done.

OP posts:

kaykayblue · 04/09/2014 12:22

Hell OP - I would dump him ON his birthday. He's been cheating on you - do you think he gave much thought to you feelings when he was shagging other people?

Tell the rental people that you want to take your name off the rental agreement. Tell them you are going through a not good split and wish to divide the security deposit 50/50 between the two name holders (provided you contributed in that way towards it).

Then ring up the council tax people, and whoever else need to know your change of address and tell them you are moving to your mother's. Obviously double check with mum first.

Then see a solicitor about child support, and start moving your things to your mothers. Take a few weeks to pull yourself together and apply for work. Then start looking for new places to live.

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 12:31

It's pretty tempting but I want to keep things normal for DD as long as possible. Have arranged to see another rental on Saturday when he's at work. Worried about going to the letting agency in case they let him know as I don't want him to know until I've got the majority of things sorted. He's got form for things like refusing to leave when he's upset/during breakups so I want to avoid that until the last minute.

OP posts:

kaykayblue · 04/09/2014 13:23

You could ask the rental agency whether they would normally inform the other tenant in situations like this. If they say yes, you could ask whether they could delay this until you have resolved a few other issues, as you are worried it would be used against you. Just chat to them and see what they say. You might be able to give them a confidential informal heads up, with an agreement that you will formalise this by a certain date, at which point they would be obliged to tell your partner.

badgerknowsbest · 04/09/2014 13:27

What a horrible situation he has put you in but if he has history of refusing to leave you are definitely doing the right thing, let him find out when it's too late. Wishing you and your dd all the best.

SavoyCabbage · 04/09/2014 13:36

When is the tenancy up on the house you are renting?

As a landlord, I wouldn't take your name off the tenancy as then I would only have one person to chase if the rent was unpaid rather than two. Try to find out how long the notice period is.

Don't worry about his birthday!

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 14:31

We are on a rolling tenancy at the moment so think.its a months notice but will have to check.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 04/09/2014 15:04

Could you ask the agency if yous could put your notice in jointly, then sign a new lease in your name?

BeCool · 04/09/2014 15:06

is the tenancy in his name or your or both? What would you have to do to get off the tenancy if you are on it?

Fuck his birthday! 2yo won't have any expectations re his birthday either.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to simply go to your Mum's and sort stuff like a new flat etc from there?

You sound like you are pretty sorted - good luck.

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 15:56

The tenancy is in both names.

OP posts:

BeCool · 04/09/2014 16:08

In the UK you often have to give 2 months notice to end a tenancy so do check your contract.

I don't know what would be the best way to negotiate giving notice as presumably you will have to give notice together and then he will know what's up.

Hopefully someone else on MN will know or you can get some advice at CAB.

You may have to be prepared to give notice on the day you move out and then go to your Mums for a while - though I don't know how that would affect HB?

If you are using the same letting agency for your new flat they might be able to help you out with this?

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 17:05

Managed to get the tenancy agreement and it says it requires notice of no less than one month. Does that mean a months notice?

OP posts:

Pinkfrocks · 04/09/2014 22:35

it's a month- so give notice say on 7 Sept and leave by 7 October. A landlord might try to make you wait for a month after the date the rent is due next ( eg 4 weeks from next rent payment.)

Original poster

BittersweetSymphony · 04/09/2014 22:48

Thanks Pinkfrocks thought that was what it meant but got confused by the slightly odd wording.

OP posts:

Adarajames · 05/09/2014 03:20

You can in some instances get HB on 2 properties, don't knowing if leaving abusive relationship comes under that heading, but worth checking out if you can't get your name off the tenancy for current place before end of long notice. As your Mum seems willin to help out though, you'd probably be best off moving in with her whilst the month notice is paid off them getting HB in your own name for new place; also worth seeing if you can get on local authority housing list for social housing for more stability for housing in future. Stay strong and best of luck x

BeCool · 05/09/2014 09:57

that is good news re only one month notice

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