People keep proposing to me then changing their mind....!!!!

[MinnieMousers]

Little baffled here after two engagements to me have been broken and I wanted to know if anyone can help me understand.

I've been engaged twice.

The first one I was 19, he was 23 and we were together 4 years. Madly in love. He proposed, then a year after the engagement ended it saying he didn't love me any more.

The second one I was 32, he was 36 and we were together 4 years too. Again madly in love. He proposed, then a year after the engagement ended it saying he didn't love me any more.

I'm not a Runaway Bride or anything. Aside from these two men I have never loved anyone else and have only had a handful of semi long term relationships.

I've been through all the grieving and devastation but find myself feeling a bit paranoid that there's something wrong with me and that if I love someone again the same will happen to me.

I kind of understand the first guy as we were very young, but the second one is just really confusing.

In both cases / both relationships:

1. They were very good relationships -no fighting, no problems, getting on as well as when we first met, seen as extremely solid by friends and family, fantastic sex life still............ right until they ended. As in - there was no warning bells the relationships were in trouble.

1. The men chased / pursued me and seemed to have very intense sort of love for me (think Twilight Edward) so I found it very surprising that they both "stopped".

1. Physical attraction hadn't waned - in fact I know that both men still find me attractive and hit on me when I see them.

1. Both men were good guys. Not commitment-phobes or arseholes and were general slow, steady, thoughtful men who would not propose unless they were really serious

1. There was no other women involved.

I'm not stupid and I understand "things change" and the more someone gets to know you, or through life changes etc. that feelings can come and go but I thought overall that it worked like this:

a) If someone has proposed to you it has gone past the infatuation phase and they are fairly certain they want to spend the rest of their life with you after having gotten to know you intimately.

b) Something drastic should happen to pull them off that course that I would / should have been somehow aware of. Like for example a reduction in kisses or texts to say "I love you".

c) People aren't meant to just randomly stop loving people....are they?

I am really struggling with this to the point where I find myself genuinely sitting there wondering whether to try and turn gay to avoid being hurt like this again. I'm completely serious. It's that bad!

I just want to know what the mechanism is. Surely if you love someone very deeply / you are madly in love / you are getting on great / you are best friends / you fancy the pants off them / you think they are a fantastic person....then WHY would you propose to them and then change your mind?

I really do want to get married, but am scared of being engaged again. I am worried there's some sort of 4 year maximum a person can go out with me before they miraculously realise their mistake.

I know I never stopped loving either man, so don't really understand how / why they did.

Please help.

Thanks zig. Maybe just fuckwittery

Can anyone tell me if this is odd. I have a new guy (not even been on a date yet but met him and now he is texting) and he took his dog for a walk today and arranged rocks to spell out my name and texted it to me.

Is that the sort of thing that is supposed to be creepy?

I'd be raising an eyebrow, but also because I don't do or go that sort of thing. It could just be a lighthearted thing.
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for a while, but keep my eyes open for too much too soon or anything that you're not comfortable with.
I think your instincts were probably right with your first one, but he managed to overcome those barriers.
If it's right it should feel right and no need to "win" you over.

I think that's on the weird side of sweet, yes! You're not even involved with this man and he is trying to make romantic gestures that are really only appropriate with someone you know well (good friends/relationship).

Something about these kind of gestures - makes me feel that a) they're trying to assert "ownership" of you in some way b) they're trying to fast forward the getting to know you stage. If some bloke I met walking my dog felt that I'd welcome a picture of stones he'd painstakingly arranged to spell out my name, I'd wonder a bit what kind of conversations I was having with casual acquaintances TBH.

I'd also think it was a bit odd, to be honest. It's a bit too much effort and altogether too flashy for someone you haven't even been out with yet. It seems a lightly different to, say, sending you a photo of something he saw (rather than made) that was related to a hobby you'd told him you loved. That kind of photo seems to be more about making a connection with you and your interests. Whereas making your name in rocks isn't really about you at all; it feels more like a show of how great he is than anything else.

I wouldn't necessarily run straight for the hills (he may just be keen to actually get to the date bit to see if you both get on), but it would make me a bit more wary.

You can waste your life trying to understand why people behave badly to you, and you never will.

This is because you are not an arse like them - and ultimately it is their choice, their fault, and their loss.

But the rocks guy - red flag. My ex was full of the Grand Gesture (flowers, presents, 'soulmate' stuff) to all the girls he was cheating on me with. Sign of a manipulative faker. Avoid.